The not-so-ordinary Life of Sparksnsmoke

A Dis on CIS

2011-09-19T09:38:00.001-05:00

I think I finally figured this one out this weekend. I dislike 'cis' because I think it is a fundamental right of all persons to name themselves. The term 'cis' was something placed on me and I have no emotional, historical or positive association with it. It would be like a non-trans person putting a random prefix on someone trans and saying "Here- I'm going to call you...(bizarre example) 'RE' from now on. The trans person thinks, 'Huh? What's that? I have no experience with that prefix and it sounds kinda yucky to me.' At this point it doesn't matter whether it comes from science, religion or outer space- it is unwanted and feels random. This is how 'cis' makes me feel. I'm happy with 'bio', 'non-trans' or 'fab' if you must.

Thanks for your consideration.

I must be famous

2010-11-17T09:39:00.002-06:00

The post below is from a blog from an ex. I actually posted a supportive comment on the blog but she deleted it, as she deletes most comments about anything she writes. I found it sort of weird that she decided to re-tell the story of my past single life on her blog and resolve to use some of my techniques in her dating experiment. I suppose I should be flattered.

Once upon a time, in a land called Texas, there lived a woman who had lost her mojo. Every day she fretted about her lost mojo. She could be heard crying "where has my mojo gone!!!????" day in and day out. She looked everywhere for that lost mojo. She looked under her bed and in her closet! She looked under the couch in the living room and in the very back of the car port. She even cleaned out her sex-toy drawer, but NO MOJO!

One day, that woman decided to go to Denver to look for her lost mojo, because Denver was the last place she remembered having it. She flew over and over to Denver. She even brought her sex toys in her carry-on bag-- much to the amusement of the TSA employees-- just to tempt the mojo to come back.

After months and months, that woman located her mojo! "Hooray!" Exclaimed the woman!

Once upon a time, in a land called Brooklyn, there lived another woman who had also lost her mojo. She looked in the clubs, at the Whole Foods, and even at the Gym, but NO MOJO! She meditated on her lost mojo, but still it did not come back. She went to Mich Fest, where she had last remembered having her mojo, but all she found was closure and flirtation.... still no mojo!

One day the woman from Brooklyn, remembered the woman from Texas, so the woman from Brooklyn decided to try her own version of the trips to denver... and she placed a Craigslist ad....

How will the story end???!!! stay tuned to find out!!

Dreams

2010-04-15T10:01:00.003-05:00

Last night I had a dream that I was traveling with my brother on a plane and someone stole my laptop computer. I caught the guy a little while later when he came back for the power supply. The disturbing part was that I chased him down, held him on the floor and tortured him to get him to tell me where it was. I actually broke two of his fingers because he wouldn't tell me. The sound of the bone snapping was very disturbing. Another odd part was that my brother seemed sleepy or sick or something and wouldn't help me go after the guy. This is an odd juxtaposition since I'm usually the anti-violent one in the family and my brother would pounce on someone at the drop of a hat. He almost got arrested a few weeks ago for not leaving the principal's office when he found out his son had been unfairly punished.

Anyway, it is strange how we do things in dreams we would not ever do in real life. I think it is our subconscious' way of screwing with our heads for entertainment value. In my dreams I have: smoked, been pregnant, slept with men, committed murder, tortured and had sex in public. I've also committed lesser sins like cheating, dishonesty and being generally slutty. I guess these things happen to everyone in their dreams and the only time to really be concerned is if when you wake up, it actually sounds appealing to strip down to your boxers and drive to school for that test in the class you kept skipping.

I kinda think last night had something to do with Rachel Maddow saying she would kill Osama Bin Laden with a spoon if she had the chance. Yeah- liberal media is making me bloodthirsty in my dreams. That must be it.

Sweet dreams all.

My weekend? Great! How was yours?

2009-12-07T10:10:00.001-06:00

I can’t say I have had any one experience over the weekend to warrant a blog entry but I thought I would bring my small band of readers up to speed.

Friday night was the holiday drag king show. Butt-cold that night (we even had a snow flurry earlier in the afternoon). The show was dandy—I love standing up front. It is the best place to get weird goods thrown from the stage. That night I came home with a Christmas-themed paddle ball, candy and (I kid you not) a whole fresh cucumber. Yeah, king shows are the bomb.

Saturday I had to work from 8-1 and then afterward went over to K’s house to help her continue to pack and move things out to her storage shed. The good news of that activity is she was able to show her place to 3 people that day and she got new tenants! Yay! They will move in at the end of December. That takes a huge worry off both our shoulders knowing she will have rental income that will pretty much cover her monthly mortgage. Oh, and having K officially living with me? Delightful.

Saturday night we had a few folks over to watch the UT vs Nebraska football game. The game itself nearly sent us all into cardiac arrest- especially when it looked like the UT quarterback let the time run out on the last play. Fortunately they put 1 second back on the clock and the kicker made a 42 yard field goal to win the game by 1 point. Wow. My guests were an odd lot. My girl K who cares nothing about football, roomie K, my friend Anna and two friends she invited, who were combinations of entertaining and a bit odd. Oh, and 3 dogs and 2 cats. Yeah, chaos.

Sunday was our hike at McKinney falls. Since the weather was damp and cold, almost everyone punked out on us. No one came except us and Anna. Strangely enough though, it was an almost perfect hike. It was cool and gloomy, yes, but the humidity made the temp feel warmer than it was and it felt really good out. The waterfall was too rapid to cross to take the first trail we attempted so we criss-crossed over some sort of nature trail and then made our way to the 2nd trail. This one is paved, which is kind of odd for a hiking trail, but really beneficial after a rain. The views were wonderful, lots of rushing water, waterfalls, fall color and a few bird sightings. The rock outcroppings there are amazing and I think it might be my favorite hike spot in the area. I would like to go back in a few weeks and take the trail that was blocked by water. Maybe we can start off the new year with a hike on the 2nd.

One more thing—I’m going on a cruise next week. Key West, Nassau and Freeport. I’m takin Mama to the Bahamas- yay! See you all when I return on the 20th!

A Most Fortunate Malady

2009-11-24T16:34:00.003-06:00

I was suddenly struck by an unexplained malady yesterday. I was bopping through my workday feeling fairly well and right around lunchtime I began to feel as though I were coming down with the flu. I felt achy, feverish and queasy. I was majorly freaked. After all, I have Kirsten's family coming for Thanksgiving dinner. My manager walked past my desk and asked if I was ok. When I told him I wasn't feeling well he recoiled and ordered me to go home. This was of course not for my welfare but because he has a running race coming up and didn't want to catch something from me.

I drove home, dreading the tale of the thermometer and wondering if I could contact Dr. G. B. for a script for Tamiflu. Then I took my temp and found I was not running a fever at all. Damn thing wouldn't even come up to normal. (Typical for me; low-acting thyroid causes me to run a bit low on temp).

So, after chilling on the couch for a few minutes I thought I should see if I could accomplish a few chores while I was home during both daylight and nice weather. Against the advice of friends and girlfriend I dragged out the lawn mower and made the front yard look like humans lived there again. This activity kicked off a fortunate series of events. My elderly neighbor saw me in the yard and came over to tell me he had cut up some wood I could use in my stove. I got my wheelbarrow and came over to retrieve it. While there, his wife asked if I would like to see their son's garden. It was indeed impressive and I really wanted to replicate it in my own backyard. One conversation led to another and before I knew it she was offering me fresh lettace out of the garden. Filled a bag and gave it to me. I then commented on a planter with fresh basil in it and she said- "Do you want some? Ronnie says he is going to till it under this week". She helped me gather huge stems and I came home with wood, lettace and enough basil to look like an embarrassing bouquet.

I decided to make pesto. I ran out to the store to get parmesan and walnuts and a bit more olive oil. The next 2 hours was spent feeding fragrant leaves into my roomie's food processor. I ended up with probably about a half gallon of fresh pesto.

Besides this lucky streak, the thing I enjoyed the most was sitting down and chatting with my neighbors. They are such sweet people and they always give me something. I appreciate the thought more than the gifts and I wonder if the current generation of neighbors will ever connect with people in this way. They are like the grandparents I always wanted. Mr. Schaeffer (the neighbor) even taught me how to sharpen a chainsaw blade.

Tonight I am taking the neighbors some fresh pesto.

Oh, and I found a quarter in the parking lot of HEB. Best sick day ever!

Sister's Edge Letter to the Editor

2009-11-17T16:22:00.002-06:00

I can't seem to get the Chronicle's online machine to accept my post so I will be satisfied with posting it here.

I've been standing quietly to the side (feeling a bit like Cassandra) and watching the buildup of the new women's bar space, hoping and wishing things might turn out differently this time.

Everyone can agree that lesbian bars in Austin are notoriously short-lived. There are probably as many opinions as to why as there are people involved. I’ll roll off the most likely:

1) Austin is a pretty open and accepting place and lesbians can go pretty much anywhere in town without being openly harassed for being gay. This makes a women’s bar more of a want than a need.

2) Women tend to drink less than men (and generally spend less money on alcohol) and while initially interested in the idea of a bar, most women do not think of a bar as an essential part of their culture and/or a place to hang out the majority of nights in a week.

3) This is probably the most controversial of theories: Women turn their backs on a business if everything is not to their liking. I’ve witnessed this time and again and it has really been the death knell of several attempts to create a women’s bar space in Austin. The old Sidekicks died as a result of Craigslist rants regarding the bar having unfriendly staff, dirty facilities and drug use, all spouted behind the protective shield of anonymity the online world can provide. I have already seen it begin for Sister’s Edge the day after its opening. Comments complaining about slow service, poor music choices, smoky environment and long lines are already being poured into the vat of cynical rants- Craigslist Women Seek Women.

If women in Austin really want a bar that will last they need to address the issues above. Obviously the men in Austin’s gay community can keep a bar thriving for years, as evidenced by Charlie’s and Oil Can Harry’s. If the stories that the bar owners of Sister’s Edge changed it into a men’s country bar because it was a lot less trouble than trying to cater to picketing and spotty crowds, lesbians need to find a different way to express their displeasure or accept that the occasional women’s night or special event may be all our vibrant and wonderful community of women can expect.

I hope I am wrong. This community should prove me wrong. I'd like nothing better.

What I do when the phone is not ringing...

2009-11-16T10:33:00.002-06:00

My job at the state can be a little slow at times. During these times I usually amuse myself with visiting some web sites. I thought I would share the ones I enjoy most and hope that my cracked sense of what is hilarious does not alter your opinion of me.

Enjoy. Or avoid. Whichever is appropriate.

http://dorothysurrenders.blogspot.com/
This one is a very witty woman that writes mainly about lesbians in the entertainment industry, but don't let the description fool you. She is also a pretty effective activist and has made me nod in admiration on more than one occasion.

http://itemnotasdescribed.com/
This one is just delightful in that wry ironic kind of way. Consisting of free items or offers to sell things on Craigslist, it reveals a lot about humanity and allows a glimpse into lives that make us feel so much better about our own.

http://news.yahoo.com/comics/janes-world
A comic strip I probably should have started reading years ago because I still don't understand all the characters and how they interact but I still find myself reading it each week to keep up.

http://tinyartdirector.blogspot.com/
It doesn't look like this site is updated much anymore but it is hilarious and wonderfully done. I suggest starting at the last entry and working backwards to the latest. The artist is very talented and his child is a bit scary.

http://ugliesttattoos.com/
One of my very favorites for the sheer spectacle of it all. The tattoos displayed are not always safe for the workplace but well worth a look in all their disturbed glory.

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/
The name says it all. Disturbing and hilarious.

http://www.fmylife.com/
Twitter-like entries of everyday disasters. Often repulsive, frequently heart-wrenching.

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/
Imagine your past family photos even more embarrassing than you remember. Being judged and mocked by others. Better than therapy.

http://failblog.org/
An addiction spawned by my BFF C.

http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Best funny cat photo site ever.

http://www.msnbc.com
I used to go to CNN more but they changed their formatting and it's kinda blah now.

http://crooksandliars.com/
A nice lefty political site.

http://www.snopes.com/
The most awesome of urban legend de-bunking sites. I visit anytime someone sends me a mass email claiming something I doubt.

A Step at a Time

2009-10-21T09:20:00.002-05:00

My girlfriend is moving in with me!

I can't say this is a drastic change since she practically lived here already but it does tend to put me in a different head space. My relationship is progressing and I feel good about that.

I was looking at my sweet one yesterday and thinking yet again, "how did I ever get this lucky?" I may never know but I hope always to be aware of it.

I'm starting to look differently at the clutter I've accumulated in my space and really try to decide what I need and what I can lose without missing or mourning the loss. It is also a good opportunity to find better ways of organizing what I do want to keep.

Step-stools. I think I need more step-stools. I have a good bit of space on top shelves but they are not very accessible for everyday use. I also really wish more of my shelving pulled out or rotated. Looks like a trip to Ikea may be in order...

It is strange to think of myself as holding on to things simply out of a sense of duty or habit or loyalty to the givers. I look at various objects around my house and remember, 'My mother gave me that, or my ex wife bought that.' Somehow I feel if I throw it away or sell it or donate it they will know and be hurt. Silly I know. Kind of like holding on to anger because we feel it actually punishes the object of our ire. It doesn't of course. It punishes us. Maybe guilt is punishing me also.

This week I vow to look at what I have accumulated and decide if it really provides me with utility, comfort or joy. If not, it needs to live with someone else, or decompose somewhere.

Wish me luck. I can't look into the future living with all these ghosts. How appropriate that I choose to exorcise them on Halloween.

And the winner is...

2009-10-09T09:42:00.001-05:00

Well I did say I was prepared for more weird news this week but I wasn't expecting it to be Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Wow. Not sure what to think of that, but congrats!

Strange Days Indeed...

2009-10-08T14:23:00.002-05:00

Have you ever had the experience of starting out a week thinking, hmm- that's a bit unusual, then having strange, uncharacteristic things happen for several days, making your week go from mildly unusual to downright freaky? It seems this is my week.

Oddball #1: It started by going to a very nice house concert last weekend and running into the Wicked Witch of the East, (who was mentioned in my last entry). To make things as miserable as possible, WWotE ended up at one point sitting next to me during the music so close that I could have reached out and whacked her in the head if I had stretched out my arms. Luckily I'm not violent so her head is just fine. Still though- big bleah to keep running into her. Now that she's single and out on the prowl I never know where she will turn up. Hopefully not at the 'Raise the Walls for Equality' Habitat for Humanity build on Saturday or the Kings N Things Hootenanny that night. I'm skeeved enough for the week.

Oddball #2: I am in the process of arranging for my friend A to accompany my old nemesis Mr. Darcy to a fancy dance on Sunday. I think I have safely gotten past the nemesis stage with Mr. Darcy and it is a nice thing to get texts with updates from her bout with the flu or social plans instead of the deafening silence I felt was the best option for 6 months or so. It seems we are both in better places to contemplate a friendship these days.

Oddball #3: Yesterday I got a phone call from my old roomie R. She burst out crying and apologized for, in her words, 'being an asshole to me'. I was unsure what to say so I just said it was ok and that we should get together soon and hang out. I'm having her over for dinner on Sunday. She told me that she broke up with her g/f and had been going through a lot emotionally and wanted to say she was sorry for all the things she did that were disrespectful to me. I hung up the phone and thought- wow that was really weird.

Oddball #4: I got a phone call a couple hours later from my dad. He has been diagnosed with Macular Degeneration and in his words- 'is going blind'. Wow. That's certainly sad-- especially for a man who gets so much pleasure from reading and watching movies. He said some vitamins called I-caps can slow the progression and I'm on tap to get him some for Christmas. Anyway, it was a nice conversation and this adds to the litany of secrets I'm not supposed to share with the rest of the family for fear of 'worrying them too much'.

Oddball #5: I got a Facebook Friend request from my ex fiance K today. Another person I hadn't talked to in ages contacting me out of the blue. I accepted her request and found that she got married in Iowa in September to a woman I've never seen or heard of before and is now living in Canada. Wha? Wow- go without chatting with someone for a few months and things can really change!

So- what's next? My British ex calls? I win a sweepstakes? Whatever it is I feel on edge and will be on the lookout. It's that kind of week...

What she said!

2009-10-03T09:37:00.002-05:00

http://dorothysurrenders.blogspot.com/2009/10/my-weekend-contemplation.html

I don't usually add other bloggers to my blog posts but Dorothy Snarker is one of my faves. She speaks in this entry what I have been feeling since this whole thing popped up again and there is no reason for me to echo her eloquence when she does such a wonderful job of conveying it herself. Do follow the link. Do read this- and other entries. Most of her blog is about entertainment figures but she does it in an empowering and delightful way. I'm a big fan.

Happy weekend all.

The Island of Dr. Nightmare

2009-09-28T18:19:00.003-05:00

Well, at least it was for a few people that night.

My sweet one and I went to an HRC fund-raiser called Dinah Lakeshore this weekend. It's a swanky little mixer where they shuttle you over to a little island on Lake Austin for drinks, dancing, tasty treats and apparently for some, unwanted run-ins with nightmare exes. I tend lately to be remarkably unscathed in such matters-- most of my exes still enjoy my company socially or at worst are safely several states away. Not such good luck for some this weekend.

There would have to be a very complicated flowchart involved to explain how all the involved parties were interconnected but imagine something along the scale of a very crowded game of Twister. My friend P very pithily described the crowd as containing '2/3 of the Axis of Evil'. I had the unique, sometimes amusing, sometimes heartrending position of being friends with many on the receiving end of the AoE and it saddened me to see how unsavory and unhealthy people can suck the oxygen out of the great outdoors.

I had an email exchange with my ex-wife today and I couldn't resist posting her quote:
'I think she [SHE being 1/3 of the AoE] has borderline personality disorder. A psychologist told me you can tell if you've got one in your group of friends and acquaintances: there will always be people who are mad at each other. After about the fifth grade, this doesn't happen naturally. It takes an instigator.'

A wise woman my ex.

Anyway, all came through unscathed- except maybe psychically, and hopefully the healing can continue. I'm not sure why but I feel lighter, more optimistic and generally cheerful than I have in a while. I'll have to ponder a bit on why. Maybe seeing that amount of unhappiness just further cements what I have to be thankful about.

The night ended as it should. I got to dance with my sweetheart to the song I requested and ride quietly back to the shore with my love leaning against my shoulder. I am truly blessed. I wish everyone- especially those who have been entangled with their own Wicked Witch of the East, much health, healing and the peace that comes from making your way home with the one who holds your heart as precious as their own.
"I Will Follow You Into The Dark"

Health and Happiness

2009-09-21T08:28:00.004-05:00

I had a very lovely weekend. Friday night we went to the Drag King musical and it was delightful. The kings really put a lot more effort than usual into these events and we had a great time. We especially loved the Michael Jackson tribute Thriller Dance and also the Newsies number. The fact that my BFF C was in these pieces might have had a touch to do with it but honestly they really were the most delightful and well done bits of the night. The choreography was impressive and I like the creativity that performing songs from musicals allows. I did, however, reconfirm that I hate microphones as I demonstrated by completely going dumbstruck when the host put one in my face. Horrors!

Saturday was a day full of activity and was quite enjoyable. In the morning we went on a hike with the group and it was great. There were lots of streams criss-crossing our path and the dogs that came along had a blast splashing around in the water and then running back to join us. We had a couple of new hikers this week and everyone seemed to enjoy the outing. I managed to save a little kid from going over a waterfall when he got too close and slipped. He looked pretty terrified but he would have only fallen about 4 feet. I probably only saved him from getting wet and muddy but sometimes its the small things that count.

In the evening I caught up with my good friend R over dinner at the Woodland. Their food is very unusual and tasty and it was great to see my bud. I don't get to see her as much as I used to and in a lot of ways I feel our lives are going in different directions but I'm glad we can still make time to catch up when we have a chance.

Sunday morning K and I drove out to Pace Bend park to watch her mom compete in a triathlon. It's pretty amazing that both mom and daughter love to do athletic things like this. It seemed to endear K's mom to me a bit that I suggested we come out and cheer her on. She and her friend ended up winning their age group! I was very impressed!

While there, K and I were going to put in the kayaks for a while but it seemed hotter and more humid than usual and I felt a greater than average sensitivity to the heat and begged off for a more mild day. We then instead went to lunch with K's folks which was actually beneficial in a lot of ways. I was able to bond with them a bit and feel a little more comfortable around them. Also since K's mom had just run a triathlon we were not at a loss for topics of discussion.

Later that afternoon I made a pie and some other goodies and we went to a pot luck at my friend D's house. We had a great time socializing and finally managed to get a couple of doctor friends of ours in the same room to meet. Can't swear anything will happen between them but at least they had common things to discuss.

I also found out that D and M have chosen a wedding date! March 13th. And... D asked me to be her best woman! I'm very excited! This will be the 3rd time I've been a best woman at a wedding. The other 2 were pretty low-maintenance but I think I'll have my hands full with D. She has a tendency to get a bit frazzled under pressure so I think at some point in the day I will schedule her for a massage to relax a bit so she doesn't just freak out and start running wildly about like a trapped deer. I have to admit it is a little surreal to be asked to stand up at the wedding of my good friend to my ex, but I couldn't have chosen a better match if I did it myself. Oh wait! I DID! :)

Oh, one more bit of news for the day. An ex of mine that I like to call the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come, or GOCYTC, has had another breakup of a short-lived relationship. I noticed this from her request for support from her friends via Facebook page. I felt as the supportive ex I try to be, I posted some words of encouragement for her. She deleted my comment and in turn responded in typical GOCYTC fashion, which included finding a way to be a jerk to me for the umpteenth time. I finally had enough and decided to let her know it. I wrote and told her that I had tolerated her snippy remarks and anger in the past, thinking I just needed a thicker skin around her. I also pointed out that although I consistently made an effort to write encouraging things to her or show support, she was not reciprocal in this regard. I told her I had had enough, that I wished her well and hoped this letter would not be taken as an opportunity to unleash on me once again. I then deleted her from my friend list. Bleah. I have had a long and frustrating history with this woman and it is only a slight comfort to see she implodes on just about everyone in her world eventually-- especially anyone who has dated her. I have to remind myself that is about as classic BPD as anyone can get and that kind of person is just a toxic time bomb. I do feel sorry for her though-- and I feel sorry for any mental illness that separates people from real connections in life. I just need to remind myself that in order to keep myself safe and sane, I need to leave that kind of disfunction alone. So long C- back to the universe for help and healing. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts an prayers and hope someday you get the insight you need to move forward.

Peace

*Note to my tiny band of readers: This blog is not visible to the person I spoke about above and my message to her was more of message to the universe and a reminder to myself to make healthy choices in my life.

Pennies from Heaven

2009-09-17T08:09:00.002-05:00

Last night I found a $100 bill. Yeah- how often does that happen? K and I were out for an evening stroll to stop by the night drop at the library and we usually circle around and walk through a little funky shopping center by my house. We were walking along and chatting about how much we like the weird little indie businesses in the center when I noticed a scrap of paper lying on the ground a few feet away. I thought at first it looked like a coupon of some sort but as I got closer it seemed to look like a dollar bill. I told K to wait just a sec and stepped over to pick it up. As I reached down I realized it was not a 1-dollar bill but 100! I was floored. I scampered back over to K and whispered 'Oh my G-d'. It's a hundred dollars!' It was pretty obvious there was no way to return it to the person who lost it. The lot was abandoned and the bill was loose in the lot. My first impulse was to present it to K. She quickly refused, saying it was mine and I should keep it. I argued that G-d dropped it for me but it was a gift and didn't belong to me. I wanted to give it to someone who had less resources and since K had just been reduced to 1/2 time at work I thought she could use it. She still refused so I started thinking about other options. I then thought of my friend D who just 2 days ago smashed up her car and incurred $1000 in repair bills. I called and left a message for her to call me and that I had good news for her. When she called back I told her I wanted to give her the money. She laughed for a moment and told me I was the sweetest person she knew but that her parents were paying for the repairs and she could not take the money from me.

Damn! I never expected it would be this much trouble giving away $100!

We ultimately thought of an idea. She said there was a child at her school that was going through some surgeries and maybe we could find a way to buy a gift card for the family and a gift for the child while in the hospital. I thought this was a great idea since the school is in my neighborhood and the money would be put to use close to where it was found.

So, that's the plan. I'm glad I can be a good steward for money that Heaven rains down.

Adventures in Domesticity

2009-09-10T11:51:00.002-05:00

It seems there is an epidemic of normality breaking out in my community. I was watching my TV Girlfriend (Rachel Maddow) the other night and she said there has been a study that found the divorce rate in Massachusetts has actually gone DOWN since gay marriage began in that state. So instead of being the downfall of marriage, there may be a sign that gay marriage has increased the stability of marriage. Interesting...

A lot of my friends are married or engaged now. My friends R & S got married in Canada a year or so ago. My friends D & M are now engaged, my friends H and K are getting married next month and my friends A & S are now expecting a baby. I would be lying if I said that K and I had not discussed these things ourselves. I stubbornly refuse to be the stereotypical u-haul relationship but we are certainly committed and planning a future together. I do however remember with a bit of embarrassment that I was engaged a couple of years ago and that turned out to be a mistake. I'm taking things slowly but the idea of marriage and children has an appeal. The appeal so soon after an engagement disaster has everything to do with finding the right person- and that part is feeling very right.

Anyway, I like the evolution of the modern lesbian. A few years ago when I first went to Michfest I don't remember many children at all on the land. Now the place is teaming with strollers, little children and the big swath of camping where I originally pitched my tent is now designated for 'moms with children'. Nice.

This is not the future I thought I would have to settle for when I came out. I'm glad some things change for the better.

Oh-ho, hey-hey, it's a National Holiday...

2009-09-08T15:33:00.002-05:00

I hope everyone had a delightful and relaxing long weekend. Unfortunately I had to work a few hours on Saturday. No rest for the weary state worker providing new food for hungry babies. SuperWIC to the rescue!

Besides that little snag in my otherwise bucolic respite, it was quite enjoyable. Early Saturday morning I met with a few friends to hike the Turkey Creek Trail at Emma Long park. My poor sweetie was not feeling well and to add more injury to insult, got a nasty bite from her cat as she tried to corral him to come back inside after her roomie let him run out. So, imagine not feeling well and then getting a call to drive across town and crawl around through hedges, under cars and through neighbor's yards only to be rewarded by your beloved pet sinking his fangs into your thumb as you attempt rescue. A perfect morning to return to my warm and peaceful house and return to bed, hoping the second awakening will be an improvement.

Even sans lovely hike- leader we had a very nice hike. The wooded trail was shady and the prior night's rain made the trail a bit gloppy but cooler than usual and quite invigorating. The folks that did brave the humid, muddy weather were a good combination of folks and made for enjoyable conversation and good times.

After a few dreary hours at the office that afternoon I went out with my sweetie for a nice dinner then for a stroll down S. Congress. The next morning we had breakfast with BFF C, then went to church. Afterward I bought a few movies and K and I had a nice leisurely afternoon. On Labor Day we went to see Julie and Julia at Alamo Draft House. I highly recommend this movie and found myself smiling throughout. Meryl Streep is amazing and quite convincing at Julia Child and I loved the concept. Made me really crave some Bœuf Bourguignon!

In the afternoon we took the Kayaks out and met up with Dr. S to paddle around Town Lake. We paddled up to Redbud Island and then decided to paddle around it and look at the dam. Paddling against the current while the dam is releasing water is a little like paddling up a whitewater rapid. Twice I was pushed back against a concrete embankment as I made my way through an opening around the island and I owe great thanks to K and Dr. S for cheering me on as I fought the current and won on the 3rd try. I definitely admit my skinny girlfriend is better at kayaking than me. Not sure why I can bench so much more and still be swept away in a current she was able to push past. My ego was bruised but I survived, even while ending up whacking into the picnicking spot of some kids on the island. I did appreciate that they gave me a round of applause when I got through!

When we finished the adventure in the water we went to a salon put on by a friend of K's. This was a salon in the original sense of the word as described in Wikipedia: Salon (gathering), private and public, of intellectuals to meet, discuss ideas and watch artistic performances.
We had some excellent food- especially the peanut soup, and some wine and settled in to discuss our ideas of Labor Day. We watched some clips on the history of the holiday on the Internet and then discussed opinions of labor forces, class-ism, unions and then managed to meander to the topic of concealed carry handgun laws. It was an enjoyable gathering and I hope to do it again soon.

I have yammered on for quite some time now so I will stop. I hope your holiday weekend was as wonderful as mine. To my small but loyal band of readers, I wish you well.

Long time gone, I know...

2009-09-04T15:32:00.003-05:00

Yes, it's been a while since I've written. I sometimes forget that people do actually read this on occasion. I'll give you the 50-cent update on my activities for the month of August.

First, K and I went to Michfest! Yay! It was wonderful. We actually drove, which was a bit insane but we had a nice time and it allowed us to visit my folks and also my ex R, who let us crash at her aunti-house in Chicago southside. Michfest itself was wonderful and I got out of my cranky travel mood very soon after we arrived. We did workshops, saw wonderful music, camped in the cool weather, saw movies, ate VERY healthy food and generally had a blast.

Shockingly enough, K and I had such a lovely time traveling across the country we decided to take another road trip last week. A very last minute trip to New Orleans. Again, I was a cranky traveler but cheered up once we arrived in the Big Easy. We stayed at a funky little hotel in the Garden District I highly recommend (Prytania Park Hotel) and spent our days wandering about the quarter being tourists. I also got to reconnect with my sweet Katrina guest Vincent. He seems to be doing well and his girlfriend is very sweet and generous, albeit a bit jealous and moody. Hard to understand all those things in one person but that is indeed an accurate description. We met Vincent for Pizza at a place called Slice and then bar-hopped the quarter until time for Tribella's show. Oh, yeah- forgot to mention Rae's band played a music fest that weekend which is what prompted our last-minute road trip. Overall, great food, good company, and sweet times were had by all.

Life in general? Quite good. My brother is leveling out with his health issues and seems to be slowly improving. He may come to the Heart Hospital here in Austin next month for a workup.
K is her usual fab self. We are coming up on 6 months together and I wake up every day ridiculously happy and thankful she is in my life.
My mama just turned 70 on Wednesday. She seems youthful and well which is quite gratifying. All is well with the world if mama is well.

OK that is pretty much my summer so far. I'll try to fill in a few more details soon. Leave me a comment lovely readers- I'd like to hear from YOU too!

Paddlin' in the Summer of Love

2009-07-13T11:44:00.007-05:00

Another great adventure on the water yesterday. Our friend E (who is just one of my favorite people ever) suggested we take the kayaks out to this little park on the lake. It is called Selma Hughes park and it was a sweet little hidden treasure. We paddled around and found shallow coves in which to swim that were relatively hydrilla-free. We also passed another sweet little park I'd like to go back and check out again. It had a little inlet cove where we could paddle a good long way before it became kind of weedy and claustrophobic. There were lots of young hippie types jumping off the roof of what looked to be an abandoned shed of some sort. Other than that there were grills, pecan trees and a nice bit of shade. After that little jaunt we paddled back across the river to an a boat dock that was just sitting in the middle of nowhere. No house or trail anywhere close- just a tiny boat dock half a mile from anything that made sense. We pulled our boats up there and sat on the dock, eating E's M&M's and peanut mixture and I found a big batch of wild grapes on which to feast. My sweetie was her usual wonderful self and reminds me every day why I adore her.

I wish we had photos of our day on the lake but here is one of us on J's backyard swing. Swooningly cute, right?

July 4th

2009-07-10T09:11:00.003-05:00

One of many delightful activities on this day.

Later, the sweetie and I hit another party and then did my new 4th tradition: paddling down to watch the fireworks.

It was surprisingly low stress. Parking was reasonable, people were in a generally good mood and we even ended up kind of tethering ourselves in a group of epicureans that had brought a battery-operated toaster and were passing out extra sandwiches to those around them.

"Fresh mozzarella with basil and tomato?"
"I don't mind if I do!"

Best 4th I can remember.

My sweetie has opened the doors to so many adventures I would not have enjoyed without her. Kayaking down the lake is one of many-- with many more to come I'm sure.

The Downside of Superpowers

2009-07-02T09:20:00.004-05:00

The closest thing I have to an actual superpower is my shockingly acute sense of smell. I can pick up (and be overwhelmed by) scents others around me cannot detect at all. This is a dandy thing when the smells are things like the subtle musk perfume of a pine tree or the earthy fragrance of mulch, but on the downside, I can be rendered practically infirm by a nasty funk.

I was out last night hanging posters for an upcoming event (the Gender Blender Splendor event on July 11th) and was regularly assailed by the widest possible cacophony of smells. Some were certainly enjoyable, such as assorted perfumes, the delightful combination of fresh coffee and pastry in Quackenbush's, or the sweet smells of trees and grass, fresh from a rain. I unfortunately also picked up whiffs of stale grease, rotting garbage, urine, feces and dead animal. Part of life I suppose but in these moments I momentarily regret my gift.

I thought I might put together a list of the top 10 worst smells. This is of course MY list. Others may certainly disagree and I'm certain if I get comments on this post, at least one will point out a marauding odor I had not until that moment considered. Until that time, here is my list, in sort-of order.

1. Dead Animals (I would assume humans too but I have not had the misfortune)
2. Halitosis (This is probably the worst for me since I sometimes feel I have to stay in the environment for politeness sake).
3. Feces. Enough said.
4. Rotten Vegetables (I think potatoes might be the worst offenders)
5. Fish, especially shrimp and crawfish. (I know this one is subjective but for me this is horrid)
6. Urine (human seems to be the worst, and male smells worse than female- trust this nose).
7. Garbage (this would encompass the rotten veggies with any other thing that ends up in a dumpster behind a restaurant).
8. Flatulence.
9. Any food left in a cooler and forgotten.
10. Tie: Rotten chicken/ Rotten eggs.

Some might say ammonia, which would also encompass bird feces, cat pee and many other things. I think in some ways ammonia can be our friend- masking even more revolting scents.

Some might notice things that didn't make the list, such as gasoline, skunk smell, body odor... Yeah, those can certainly be horrid but can also fall into a much more subjective list. I actually don't mind the smell of skunk so much and even b.o. can be tollerable in small doses- on the right person.

Have a happy 4th-- and I wish you the delightful fragrances of charcoal, your favorite drink and your favorite person.

Dyke-cotomy

2009-06-10T10:18:00.003-05:00

Things are still going well for me on the sweet girlfriend front. We get along amazingly well. She likes to do so many of the goofy things I do. This weekend we bought kayaks! Found a great deal at Academy on these cute little yellow kayaks for $150 apiece! We took them out at Emma Long park on Sunday and had a fantastic time.

She also likes one of my biggest goofball things: Big Lots. I still can't believe my good fortune but I will stop questioning whether I deserve it.

In decidedly less-happy news my brother is in the hospital and has been diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. It was quite a shock since I didn't know he had been having any issues. Apparently he had been feeling his heart was not working well for quite some time but had been keeping it from anyone beyond his wife and oldest son. My mom and dad had no idea until he started feeling so ill he saw a doctor and was immediately admitted into the hospital. Luckily he is improving (after several scary days of not) and may get out soon. Surprisingly, his doctors think a large amount of his heart damage is coming from sleep apnea. I knew this was a dangerous disorder but I really didn't know it could contribute to CHF. He can't go to a sleep clinic for a formal diagnosis until after he is released from the hospital but hopefully that will happen rather quickly when he is.

I wrote to a doctor friend of mine for more info on the correlation between CHF and sleep apnea and she sent me some very surprising info and an article from the Mayo Clinic about how it happens. Apparently the pauses in breathing cause extra stress on the heart and it all goes to hell in a handbasket from there. I'm hoping for a quick diagnosis and a spaceman mask for him right away and maybe that will be an effective therapy. The one thing about which I'm still unclear is how much of the condition can be reversed after the proper therapy, (c-pap, meds, losing weight, etc.) Scary this could still indicate a shortened life span but I don't know the answer to that yet.

Think good thoughts, be well yourselves and I'll keep you posted.

Yeah, those are from me...

2009-05-20T08:45:00.003-05:00

I guess she liked them. It is now her Facebook photo.

I have discovered I actually seem to sleep better next to her.

I told her this morning I had been asking for her for years. I'm very glad she finally arrived.

Adventures in Normality

2009-05-19T13:57:00.002-05:00

Mmm- I do love some smooth sailing.

Life is floating along sweetly for me. It reminds me of when Obama was elected and I could finally let go of all the nervousness and angst that seemed to fill my days.

It is a strange adjustment to not worry when the person I am dating is going to unexpectedly turn nasty, ignore me, tell me they are poly or do something else shocking and disrespectful... Wow- I am pretty floored I tolerated that kind of behavior in the past and somehow thought that was the best I could do. Geez- what the heck was wrong with me? What the heck is wrong with anyone who tolerates bad behavior?

Now my every day reality makes me shake my head and grin as if waking from a bad dream and thinking- "Wow, what was THAT all about?

Makes me wonder what my blog will be about in the future.

I guess I will have to get used to adventures in good times and sweetness and hope the drama and chaos will just be about hijinx of missing flights to Paris or camping in a downpour.

I could get used to that.

Random Thoughts

2009-05-14T09:10:00.002-05:00

Now that I find myself in a sweet, drama-free relationship and things are going well I find myself wondering how I could have gone through all the insanity and chaos of the past few years. I know there was a time when I was not quite 'seasoned' enough in the cosmic stew-pot and some time in therapy definitely helped with that. My old pattern of attracting 'Damsels in Distress' and making their lives way too comfortable has been vanquished and I certainly don't miss that dynamic.

There is still a bit of a fear that comes from a deep and historically disappointed place inside. Because of a spate of short-lived flings where I lost my heart and the person vanished soon thereafter I sometimes worry that emotions for me are top-loaded. I have a fleeting worry that I represent the romantic equivalent of 'Achy-Breaky Heart'. Catchy at first and immediately enjoyable but a couple of months later you pretend you never heard of it and certainly never enjoyed it. I've definitely been the object of the inexplicable breakup on a few occasions.

See, I am good at inspiring initial crushes. Women do not seem to have a problem falling for me quickly. I just sometimes wonder what causes the disconnect down the line. I worry a bit that maybe I am missing an inner depth that holds the attention long-term.

Or, maybe I just dated a lot of screwed-up women.

Since K is probably the most emotionally healthy and stable person I've met in ages I'll go with the latter theory. I know the strange assortment of bi-polar, borderline and narcissistic objects of my affection were in no shape for a mature and sincere emotional connection. And of course not everyone is going to emotionally connect with you just because you connect with them. That doesn't make them a nut, just law of averages.

It took a while but I finally feel that I've gotten it right. I may be a little jumpy for a while but slowly I may be able to really trust and connect for the long haul. I have a wonderful inspiration for that now.

Let's do another one...

2009-05-14T09:03:00.003-05:00

K was supposed to chaperon the OutYouth prom this weekend and she asked if I would like to come along and help. I couldn't resist the opportunity to dress up in my tux and look handsome for my sweet one. We had a very nice time patrolling the parking lot in formal wear and sneaking in a little nuzzling when we could. Lisa R once walked by us and did the traditional prom chaperon line: "OK kids, leave room for the Holy Spirit!"

The prom was pretty tame as mischief goes. We didn't spot any bad behavior so maybe going to a queer prom is radical enough for these kids.

Life is really good. Abundance aplenty.

The Fabled K

2009-05-07T13:20:00.002-05:00

It's Official

2009-05-04T12:07:00.003-05:00

I have a girlfriend.

I certainly wasn't expecting things to progress this quickly but I do know from experience that hesitation in connection usually indicates a lack of passion so here I am- with a girlfriend for the first time in a year and a half.

And what a girlfriend she is! OK, I expect eye-rolling at this point since I keep gushing over her but man-- she is super-cool and groovy.

Yesterday I surprised her by showing up at her church when she was going through her membership ceremony. I ran late arriving and couldn't find her until after I sat in the back of the church. When I finally spotted her in the crowd I had the pleasure of just looking at her for a while before she knew I was there. Have I mentioned she is beautiful? She peered around the crowd and her eyes almost passed me by and then she did a double-take, and looked delightfully surprised. I gave her a smile and a little wave. She looked precious. It was too crowded to sit with her but she did invite me up to take communion with her. Standing there with her getting a blessing from the minister felt wonderful.

Later in the afternoon we met back up and took a bike ride over to the little food trailer park area on S. 1st. After a nosh we sat in a porch swing under a tree and talked for hours. At one point an almost microscopic baby praying mantis fell into her lap and we both marveled at the fascinating sight. We also grew in each other's esteem as we found a safe place for it in the crook of a tree.

The G word was almost an accident. As we talked we discussed my concerns about our age difference. She asked if it was a problem for me. Without thinking I said, "No, but I'm the one with the hot 28 year old girlfriend."

I paused, realizing what I had said.

I then said- "Well, I have spoken the G-word. I guess I should make an honest woman of you. Would you like to be my girlfriend?"

She said yes without hesitation and I wondered how life could have been so hard before now.

She is kind, gentle, thoughtful and intelligent. She likes my quirky sense of humor, cuddling on the couch and talking for hours. She may be the motivation I need to keep fit. I damn well better to keep up with a 28 year old triathlete! At least she took it easy on me on the bike ride and showed me a sneaky back path over railroad tracks behind a housing complex where we had to carry our bikes in the moonlight.

It is hard to believe this is my reality but I'm grabbing on with everything I have.

9 O'clock and All's Well

2009-05-01T09:54:00.003-05:00

I'm making efforts to shut down the parts of my life that attract attention from single women. I've deleted my profiles on several singles sites and have written or talked to several women who were in my 'orbit' of late and explained I want to focus on what may be a major new connection.

Everyone has been very supportive and understanding. A couple have expressed good-natured disappointment but overall it feels very freeing and true.

As for things with K... mmmm. She slept in my bed Wednesday night.

I usually have difficulty sharing a bed with someone new. I have to adjust to the space they occupy and I feel constrained by the change. This was different. She slept mostly curled against my back and I slept deeply and securely. When I rolled and shifted she turned in tandem and she sleepily pulled my arm around her body as I turned to sleep against her spine. She was warm and affectionate without being smothering.

Last night I asked her favorite holiday. If you know me well you know it is a big question for me. Although I accept those who answer Beltane, Solstice, Halloween or whatever, her answer warmed me to my core. Christmas. She loves Christmas. The giving, the warmth, the smell, the family...

She asked me my favorite season. I told her I liked things about all of them but I think I liked seasons best when they signaled change. I like Spring when the earth comes back to life after a long slumber and I like Fall, when coolness and color herald the end of a time without a chilly breeze and thoughts of evenings by the fire. She agreed, stating she thinks she likes Spring a bit more but loved the change of seasons for the same reasons.

I asked her if she wanted to come to my church service this weekend. She could not because that morning she was running a 5k and then going through the ceremony to join her church at MCC. G-d finally sent me a Christian.

This feels very, very good.

If you see me around and I have a stupid smile and look like I'm about to veer into a wall as I walk just gently steer me. I'm not used to this abundance.

The Girl is Out There

2009-04-27T12:57:00.002-05:00

I'm being cautious and taking things slowly but I am in the process of connecting and deepening a friendship/dating relationship with a woman who fits all my 'perfect world' criteria for a girlfriend. We have been dating a month and have known each other a little longer and it feels marvelous. It seems my many possibilities are sifting down to what may be my treasured destiny.

She's amazing, kind and thoughtful. Affectionate, intelligent, sweet, adorable, dorky, loving, spiritual, generous, and healthy in body and mind. She loves gardening, the outdoors, travel, pets, reading, cuddling and talking about ideas.

Like me, she also loves to stop and stare at unusual things in nature, touch and smell flowers, peer at unusual creatures and gaze in wonder at big twisted trees or how a pattern in bark can look like a face.

I am kinda blown away she also seems to be smitten with me. *Swoon*! I feel calm, joyful and delighted. When we met I thought she was way too cute, cool and awesome to be interested. There is also a bit of an age gap- enough to make me worry if I made a move she would think of me as a creepy 'cougar' or something. This fear kept me from even attempting a hug for several dates. Turns out she doesn't seem to care at all. Instead she curls against my neck and whispers sweet things to me in French.

Oh, and a bit of trivia. A few posts back I wrote about "Hike as a Metaphor for Love". I mentioned losing my hiking group and the fact that they we only found each other when I stopped looking for them. The hiking group leader that rushed up and said they had been looking for me? She is the woman who daily grows in my affection. I wish everyone who seeks it a warm cozy feeling that all is right with the world. At this moment I have it in abundance.

Beware the naked man who offers you a shirt

2009-04-25T22:46:00.003-05:00

I went to see Maya Angelou tonight. The quote above is from her. Well, she said it is an African saying so it did not originate from her. She used the quote to illustrate the idea that it is inappropriate for someone who does not love themselves to shower someone else with praise.

So, more about tonight. I took my friend C with me and I realized as we stared with rapt attention at a woman we both revered that she was the best person in the world to be there with me. The world just works out that way sometimes.

C is brilliant and knows me sometimes better than I know myself-- although sometimes I have proven her wrong. Tonight I found myself bemoaning my worries about the women I am seeing. She rolls her eyes as if to say, "You are the only person I know that would complain about abundance".

Well, I'm not complaining, per se- just concerned. See last night I broke my rule. I kissed one of the woman with whom I'm 'hanging out'. It felt like I just couldn't resist. At some point in the evening I found myself focusing on her lips and wondering what it would be like to kiss them. I also noticed that although she and I had never done more than casually brush against one another in conversation, I found excuses to lean against her extended arm and she found excuses to move a bit closer. As for the kiss itself? Definitely one of the best I've had in a very long time. Soft, gentle, a bit teasing. Yes, very high kissing marks-- to the point that I had to force myself to say goodnight and kind of totter away in a slightly stupid fog.

Now for me since a boundary has been crossed, I feel an obligation to talk with the recipient of my kiss and ask about her expectations and I need to decide whether I can fulfil them. I guess I'll get that opportunity tomorrow. We are going on another dyke-hike and then going to a green energy fest at the 'Hey Cupcake' on Burnet. She's certainly awesome- and one of the most genuinely kind people I've met in a long time.

I was talking to my friend S last night and telling her I had discerned the difference between 'nice' and 'kind'. See, 'nice' is situational. You can be 'nice' when you want to influence someone, when you think people are looking, when you are courting, and when you want something, but that doesn't mean you are kind. Kind happens when no one is looking. It is what you are and not what you do. I can see that in K. Kindness radiates off her even when she thinks I'm not looking.

I'm feeling very optimistic about my future. Good things are here and more are coming. I am so very grateful for this abundance. I'll take C's advice and try not to use it as an excuse to worry.

An Embarrassment of Riches

2009-04-22T08:49:00.003-05:00

I don't quite understand my reversal of fortunes of late. After going through several months of 'meh', things are turning around.

Maybe it's springtime. Maybe it's karma. Maybe it's a long-overdue pendulum swing. Payoff from Lenten sacrifice? Maybe my favorite fairy Leslie blessed me for giving him a ride. Now I'm giggling. It is quite possible that it is the result of banishing the negativity in my life and allowing positive things to flow into that space. I feel positively giddy and reborn.

Anyway, everything from a great refinance rate, a generous tax rebate, loving and supportive friends and some fantastic romantic possibilities- things are definitely looking sunny on my side of the street.

Now my biggest problem? Trying to decide between 3 or 4 different people- all of which are centered, mature, attractive, positive and appealing. I'd like to continue to get to know all of them in a friendly and organic way. I'm intentionally avoiding kissing any of them because that is the line which, when crossed, creates a decision-making process involving further intimacy, exclusivity, future intentions...

I'm going about the dating thing differently this time. Before now I have always been very specific, such as "I am asking you on a date." Now it is more like- let's hang out. Let's go for a hike. Let's catch a show with some friends. It smacks of that annoying "Are we dating or are we friends?" place I don't enjoy. However, it does allow a more relaxed environment for getting to really admire someone before heavy flirtation and hormones cloud judgement and change personalities. With at least two women I'm 'hanging out' with, we have established there is an attraction, but they are both shy and have not made a romantic move, and I seem to be avoiding it also. I'm not sure how long I can continue this since I've seen both of them several times but I like the kind of shy dance we seem to do. For this day I am a happy bachelor, swimming in the delights of possibilities, staring with wonder at the abundance of gifts that remain unopened.

I'm an Idiot

2009-04-20T08:11:00.004-05:00

I did something really dumb last night. I was bone-tired from my travels and winding down by playing on the computer before bed. I was sending funny messages back and forth with my friend S and she pointed out in a message I got this morning that I had written my BFF's name C instead of the suggestion I intended which was that she drink a cup of CHAMOMILE tea. I was daft. S did think it was hilarious and told me to send her over- she had the cup ready!

But-- 10 times worse than that was when out of curiosity for which of my friends were on Facebook, I went through an automated process to let it pull in my address book. It pulled in lots of people I don't even remember (some I have never met because they are women from the Speed Dating groups). Anyway, in my exhaustion I thought I was cancelling the option and instead managed to hit the OK button-- sending out friend invites to EVERYONE in my address book!!!!! I was horrified. The worst was the idea that at least 2 or 3 of those people I never want to speak to again. And now they think I want them to be my Facebook friend!

This has taught me a valuable lesson. I really need to clean out my address book. Don't let this happen to you. Don't touch social networking sites unless you are awake, alert and un-impared.

Barely awake

2009-04-19T21:59:00.004-05:00

What a weekend! I damn near over committed myself but I made it through and had an amazing time everywhere!

Friday night I met for coffee with a very cool woman- A. She is bright, stable, very attractive, and shockingly easy to talk to. I met up with her at Flipnotics and thought we had been there for about 15 minutes and I was floored to find out and hour and a half had gone by! I had a rather abrupt goodbye with her since she was running late to see a show downtown but I hope I see more of her soon.

I got up before the butt-crack of dawn on Saturday to catch a plane to Denver. In case you didn't know Denver had a huge batch of snow dumped on it on Friday. Made for an exciting time making it into the airport in Denver but luckily by then the snow was turning to rain and it wasn't icy anymore.

Denver was fun, stress-free and extremely relaxing. Just what I needed. My 2nd person A was attentive, delightful and a hell of a good time. It had been too long since I was there last. A keeps fretting I won't come back since I seem to be drawing interesting people into my life but I tell her I'm all feast or famine and she can never count me out.

I got back into Austin this afternoon and caught a fantastic show by a group called the Hilde Girls and the Djembabes. It was great fun and I convinced my friends D and M to go with me. I was especially interested in having M see them perform. I thought the music would resonate with her. She seemed to really enjoy it.

If you don't know, the Hilde Girls are an a'capella chorale group that sings the songs and chants of the 12th century saint Hildagarde of Bingham. Check out the website link above to learn more. Going to one of their shows is a very spiritual experience and the voices and message of the music is very nurturing. That, plus all the other delightful things in my weekend have put me in a very relaxed and centered place.

I think I'm ready to fall into bed early and have a sound and dreamless sleep. I wish the same for you.

Into the Great Wide Open

2009-04-14T16:24:00.003-05:00

My room-mate left on Sunday for a 6-month journey to hike the Appalachian Trail. I've found a great way to tell gay women from straight using this news. If I say this to a gay woman she says something like: "Wow! That sounds so exciting!" If I tell a straight woman she looks at me in horror and says "Oh my! That sounds so dangerous!"

I'm really proud of her, although looking at what passes for her tent makes me really concerned for her comfort. It's basically just a tarp with a couple of strings holding it up, which are connected to her hiking sticks. There is no bottom to this, although she says she has a ground cover. Now I like camping and I'm no wuss but I want something separating me from ants, snakes and rushing water in a rainstorm. My tent has a floor and I wouldn't find it acceptable if it did not.

I'm amazed at how organized she is. She had spreadsheets and estimates of average travel per day and has packed her food and supplies to cover the time until she reaches the next town and mail drop where her next package will be waiting. She has an amazing group of friends and they came for a party last weekend that she adorably named "The Trail Mixer". Everyone took a box she will need mailed at a certain time on her trip. Mine will go out on July 5th. The postage would be killer if she didn't have supportive people sending the packages to her. Spread out among 25 or so people it is an affordable gift for someone we care about.

My best wishes and prayers go out to her as she begins her journey of over 2000 miles. It boggles the mind that this quiet studious woman is walking from Georgia to Maine. She has an iron will. I know she will make it.

K's blog that will cover her hiking adventure is available here: http://kelarama.blogspot.com/.

Wonderful

2009-04-08T23:28:00.003-05:00

I saw this on a friend's Facebook page and had to post it here. It is utter and impossible joy and made me cry with glee. Just what I needed.

RE: Stereotypical Angry Dyke- A Resolution

2009-04-03T14:33:00.002-05:00

I got a letter from the woman that I wrote about a couple of weeks ago. She apologized for 'getting busy' and having her relationship status change after just meeting me. She also said she would like to make an effort to connect with me in the future in friendship. Her flirty way of suggesting we had similar 'interests' was a cause for concern and I thought about it all day at work before penning this reply:

Thank you for your letter. I have considered your suggestion and have come to what I believe is the best solution for everyone.
While I am of course quite happy to chat with you at our singles events and consider myself a friendly acquaintance, I don't think a stronger connection is wise. If you find yourself attracted to me it is probably not the best thing for your newly-forming connection with the woman you are dating. Dance with the devil once too often and the devil looks pretty damn good.
Also, I do have a very large social circle and a busy social life and I find it quite a challenge to keep meaningful connections with all my current friends.
Lastly, I am not one to hold a grudge but I do want to point out some less-than-stellar decisions that did not exactly endear you.
I realize you haven't been in many dating situations in quite some time but maybe you can file these lessons away for future reference.
1) Don't agree to an activity with me and then cancel and tell me you are going with the other person you are dating.
2) Don't try to fix me up with someone else because you feel guilty.
3) Don't stop communicating and get weird and then explain it by saying your life got busy.
Pointing out these things may not seem caring and friendly but it actually is. I think it is important to know how our actions are interpreted by the people around us and it encourages different decisions in the future. I thrive on honesty and this is mine for you. I hope things continue to go well in your current connection.
Best wishes-Me

Now I have to compliment the woman for responding in a gracious and open way. She acknowledged she did not handle things well and took responsibility for it. This greatly raised her in my eyes. I'm big on taking responsibility and not getting defensive when someone raises issues they have with you. Kudos to her and I do hope to run into her socially in the future.

A little bit 'a this and a little bit 'a that

2009-04-03T13:20:00.003-05:00

I was driving back home after having dinner with a friend at Magnolia cafe the other night and I saw Leslie standing at an intersection by a bus stop. We locked eyes and he did an exaggerated lean with his thumb out, then laughed. Must have been my strangely good mood but I rolled down my window and said- "Hey Leslie- where ya headed?"

"Downtown." He replied. "6th street."

I shrugged and thought- what the hell.

"Get in. I'll take you there"

He jumped in, never asking if he could smoke but never putting out his cig. He said he had overslept and missed the bus and was getting a later start to the night than usual. He then opened his purse, pulled out a silver flask and took a couple swigs. He offered a drink to me and I politely declined.

I dropped him off at 6th and Congress and made my way home, chuckling to myself.

******
I ordered a new tiller the other day! My current one is gas powered and I couldn't start it this year and I got tired of having to have it serviced so I'm replacing it with a little electric model I ordered from Sears.

I'm giving my old model to Marti so the freecycling line will live on. She gets a tiller for only the price of having it serviced and I get a nice environmentally friendly version that is light and requires very little maintenance. Look how cute it is:

So- I can think of no thread to connect Leslie and my new electric tiller but it was fun to create a blog entry that mentioned them both. Have a great weekend everyone.

Hike as Metaphor for Love

2009-03-29T22:20:00.002-05:00

My first hike with the new lesbian hiking group- I affectionately call them the 'dyke-hikers' was last weekend. We went on something called the Hill of Life, which in the context of this story, was very appropriate. I started out walking fairly slowly because I wanted to keep an acquaintance company but she seemed to be having problems with the steep downhill rocky terrain and kept twisting her ankle. I realized quickly I had made a bad move by matching her pace because the major part of the group was pulling ahead of us. Finally, in a move kind of like the heartfelt and cheesy ending to a war movie, she bravely said- "Go on without me- I may not make it." I momentarily hesitated, then pushed on ahead, with only a twinge of guilt.

By the time I made it to the bottom of the hill I couldn't see my fellow hikers. I asked a biker if he had seen them and since he hadn't I knew they had gone the opposite way. I then cranked up my pace to high gear in an attempt to catch up. I hiked furiously, thinking any minute I'd see the group around the next rise, but nothing.

There were only a few spots where it was possible to see more than 10-15 yards ahead because of all the twists and turns in the path. I couldn't figure out how I had not caught up with them after about 20 minutes. Finally I slowed my pace and decided they were all hiking at breakneck speed and I should just concentrate on enjoying the hike on my own.

For the first time that day I really felt calm and enjoyed my environment. I saw the path around me- the soft dirt and spongy fallen leaves, twisted trees melded together in an achingly beautiful embrace, nandina, lantana, mountain laurel, oak and ash combined for a swirling cacophony of sight, sensation and smell. I was happy.

I kept moving along, taking in the sights and about 10 minutes later I heard someone call my name. From behind me.

The hiking group leader rushed up and said: "There you are! You must have been hiking at a blazing speed! We kept asking about you and several people saw you but we could never catch up!"

They had gone off a side-trail for a moment to the water to let the dog jump in and had been trying to catch me for over half an hour. So- lots of lessons learned that can be easily parallelled with love:

1) When I seek it, it cannot be found.
2) When I focus on finding it, I don't have a good time.
3) When I stop looking and see the beauty around me I truly connect with the universe.
4) When I both stop looking and connect with the universe, what I seek finds me.

Always remember to stop and smell the Mountain Laurel. It's what makes life worth living- and I think love always seeks out the one spinning with delight in the middle of the woods.

1, 2, and the dreaded 3

2009-03-20T16:43:00.005-05:00

I am much better from the angry place I was in a few days ago. I think I hadn't quite gotten over my stomach queasiness and it made me a total cranky-pants. Now my pants- and the rest of me are much happier!

So I was hanging out with C doing my typical Thursday Scrabble game last night and we got into a delightful discussion. She told me she and P had been talking about how people are in 3 categories. There are 1's, who are generally good-natured, not overly suspicious, have no major mental health issues and are easygoing and good partner material.

Then there are 2's, who have some issues, can be unpredictable, engage in drama, but are honest and self-aware enough to know THEY are the problem and admit that.

Then there are the dreaded 3's. These are people who are big giant balls of drama, have major issues and worst of all, they refuse to take responsibility for their fucked-upedness and instead blame those around them when chaos ensues.

I enjoyed hearing about these categories and was curious how my circle fit into them. C then said, "There are about 4 or 5 "1's" that I know. Herself, me, P, S and then I mentioned our mutual friend Sean and she agreed with that.'

She said 3's should be put onto a boat, carted off to an island and dropped off there like Lost so they couldn't hurt others. I agreed and then said it seemed that I had dated a lot of 2's. She laughed heartily and said, "Darlin, you ALWAYS date 3's!" I started to argue with her.

"But ___ wasn't like that..." my voice trailed off. C cocks an eyebrow and snorts.
"But what about __?" I asked.
She stares.
"OK, you are right. And ___?"
She nods
"But ___ was good to me..."
C frowns and shakes her head.

Oh my G-d. I date 3's. I fall for 3's. They are awful to me. How do I stop?

C said I can't really expect I will find that many 1's, but dating some 2's would at least keep me from being sucked in and/or having my self-esteem and well-being battered by these walking disasters.

I quietly agreed. Then sat for a moment.

"Could I at least vacation on the island after we drop them all off?"
"No!"
"Damn. I'll miss them."
Why do 3's have to be so damn good-looking?

The Stereotypical Angry Dyke

2009-03-18T11:52:00.002-05:00

Not sure why but I've been uncharacteristically cranky this week. I haven't had bad things happen in the past few days but I feel like I just want to bite someone's head off. Must be hormonal but I'm not PMS'ing. Maybe I deserve to be a jerk once in a while.

I did get taken for a ride a few days ago but I wasn't invested in it enough to have it really ruin my week.

See, I met a woman who seemed to have good energy. She was stable, intelligent and seemed really into me. Turns out she was already dating someone else 'casually'. I don't mind that but I ended up getting used as starter fluid to ramp up the intensity and interest of the other person she was seeing. After that mission was accomplished she added further insult but pointing out someone on a singles site she thought 'would have a lot in common with me'. I think that may have been the most inconsiderate and offensive series of events I have lived through in quite some time. Thing is, I had to really consider asking this woman out. She wasn't the type I typically date. She wasn't outstandingly good looking, and she didn't have a great body but she did have a pleasant personality and she seemed considerate on first meeting. She caught my attention because she brought a gift for the child of a woman at the group dinner we were attending. I figure anyone who goes that extra mile must be more than they appear. She was also in her last relationship for 15 years. Staying power is important to me so another mark in her favor. Anyway, ultimately it ended up going south and not in the way SHE wanted. Seems she wanted to jump into the sack with me right away and I would not even consider it. I may be a slut but I'm an ethical slut and I did not want that kind of dynamic with this person.

Hmm- maybe I am more angry about this than I thought. You know what else she did? She agreed to go to dance lessons with me earlier in the week and then a couple days before, IM'd me and said she had decided to go with the other person she was dating instead, and "hoped I would say hi when we ran into each other." WTF?!? Obviously in a 15 year relationship this woman has lost her social skills.

Well, I have a busy week and weekend coming up so maybe I can work out my frustration in hiking, parties and picnics. Hopefully I will be better company than the cheesed off little ass I feel kicking inside my chest right now.

When the Belly is Empty, the Soul Takes Over

2009-03-08T13:01:00.003-05:00

I've been suffering with some sort of stomach bug since Wednesday night. It has put a kink into my workout routine since, void of the energy producing yummy stuff that usually runs through my system, my muscles are not feeling much like pumping iron and seem to jeer at me when I do anything more strenuous than browsing the internet.

I think the illness is affecting my sleep, which usually kicks off strange dreams. Last night I dreamt of an old lover. She wasn't in my space in a romantic way, but at one point I unconsciously reached for her hand under a table where we were sitting and she warmly grasped it. It was a comforting feeling and I realised when I awoke that is a level of intimacy I miss. The feeling of human connection that you don't have to explain. It doesn't have to mean you want to possess them. It doesn't mean you want them as a lover. It just is what it is. I do that with my friends sometimes. I love how when I walk with my friend C she puts her arm through mine and leans against my shoulder as we walk. I love how I can absentmindedly squeeze her hand while we are driving somewhere and she never thinks I am making a pass. I also love how my friend D can come and lounge all over me like a sleepy greyhound and it just feels comfortable and good. In a lot of ways I think I have the best of all possible worlds. I have intimate friendships, and when I really desire it- a lover. I told my NSA partner 'A' yesterday- "I think you are the most stable partner I've had in years".

I guess certain levels of intimacy just cause all those waters to get muddied. I've kept it clean with A- and we are great together. Naughty text messages, dirty Scrabble games on Facebook- and I tell her when drama crops up in my life- and when I have successfully squelched it out again. She says all the right things of course, but never requires anything of me other than my attention when I visit her every couple of months. And the occasional really creative dirty Scrabble word.

Anyway, I did some kundalini yoga chanting in church this morning. Yeah- LOVE my church. It helped me to center and focus on what I need for myself right now. I sent a prayer out to myself. Then sent one to persons in my life I care about- especially those who need healing and protection right now- and then sent one to the universe.

I think what I re-learned for myself is what my ex-wife used to tell me about people in my dreams. She said the people in your dreams are not really who they are in real life, but are instead aspects of the dreamer. So all the good and desirable qualities of the old loves or admired friends or treasured gurus are actually all within ourselves. We just need to celebrate them in ourselves as much as we do when we recognize them in others.

It is nice to feel a place of emotional and spiritual clarity. It would have been nice to get here without the complications of the stomach flu.

Apropos of Nothing

2009-03-04T16:43:00.001-06:00

Award-Winning* Big Veg Hunter Veggie Chili

1 package (regular sized bag) pinto beans (or a package of bean soup mix works well for variety)
½ package (or box) of barley
½ cup lentils (may not be needed if you use bean soup mix)
1 can Ro-Tel tomatoes and green chilies
1 large can crushed tomatoes
4 to 6 dried chili peppers
1 onion
1 tablespoon olive oil
Garlic or garlic powder to taste
1 tablespoon powdered cumin
1-2 teaspoons Tony’s Cajun Seasoning
Salt to taste

Soak beans 2 hours before cooking, then drain and add to large crock-pot.
Break open dried chilies and remove stems and seeds, then put them into a small pot of boiling water to soften. Boil about 3-5 minutes. Drain, put peppers into a food processor and puree to a paste. Add this and all other ingredients, fill with water at least 2 inches above bean mixture and cook 6-8 hours, adding water if needed.

Suggestions:
If you like a lot of spice, drain the water from boiling the chilies into the crock pot. This will make a darker, slightly hotter chili.

If you don’t have dried chilies, the recipe works well with chili seasoning mix- just omit most of the spices.

Low fat Frito pie can be made by adding low-fat tortilla chips and reduced fat chedder cheese.

*Seriously, I won a chili cook-off with this at Dell.

Mmm- meat

2009-03-01T22:39:00.002-06:00

I have to keep reminding myself of my Lenten promise. A couple days ago I took out what I thought to be chicken and rice from the freezer and when I opened it I realized it was Jambalaya. Sausage and Pork Chop Jambalaya. Damn. Well, Moonshine had a nice snack and the rest went back in the freezer. I settled for Wild Mushroom Ravioli with Vodka creme sauce.

I had a lovely weekend with various social connections. Friday night I went with Camille to the Long Center to see Oscar Wilde's An Ideal Husband. I adore Wilde's work and his wit is unsurpassed.

Saturday I went to a show downtown with my friend Dorothy. We had a great time.

Tonight I went to a showing of the L Word at the home of the barest of acquaintances. A friend through Facebook who added me to a mailing list for her L Word gatherings and I showed up with wine and two people they had never met. They were very good sports and I read their palms at the end of the evening. It seemed like a fair trade off.

Beyond that I've located a big stash of wood down the street and snagged that, then chainsawed up a good bit on Saturday. I got a very fun package delivery. (If you ask nicely I'll tell you more- but know that 'package' is the operative word).

I also went to church this morning and I finally signed up to do the membership classes, which start on Wednesday evening. It is funny how in the Baptist church I was hounded to join but this church I practically have to hunt them down and beg to join the roles. Oh well- I guess that is why I want to join. I was always suspicious of any org that wanted me for a member too much.

Giving up Shyness for Lent

2009-02-26T13:40:00.001-06:00

I went to Ash Wednesday services last night. There is something kind of spooky and Pagan-like about having ashes smudged onto your forehead as a sign of commitment and sacrifice. I’ve only been celebrating Ash Wednesday for a few years but I really connect with it.

Afterward I went to the comedy night at Rusty Spurs. I considered how I would be received showing up at a bar with a big charcoal cross on my forehead but it was actually not bad. I got a couple of quizzical looks but no one tried to wipe it away (thinking it was there accidentally) and no one seemed to be less friendly or put off by it. Actually I think just the opposite happened. I flirted with a couple of women and they flirted right back. I also had a woman come up and ask me what church I attended. When I told her she was very excited; knew the pastor and used to attend with an old girlfriend. She asked me which service time I attended and said she would make an effort to come. Looking back I don’t know if I was doing God’s work or working the room but it was a sweet interaction nonetheless.

I notice I carry myself with more confidence lately. As much as the outside has changed from dropping 16 pounds, the inside changes along with it. I told my friend S that I would probably get more serious dates when my body changed and she disagreed. She said anyone who was worthy would not care about my size. I replied that it had nothing to do with my physical appearance, but how the greater confidence in how I look changes how I approach people. She definitely agreed with that take on it.

The last three times I have gone into a social environment with a group of strangers I have had a much better time than in the past. I notice I flirt, look people in the eyes more and really carry myself in a way that attracts more attention. I read the palms of strangers, go up to women I have never met and buy them drinks and randomly chat with ones I find interesting. Funny thing is- when I do this, I have no real interest in getting their number or following up. I don’t attempt to ask them out or push any further than a social chat, then I go home in a chipper mood, considering the night a success. I like this place, and the energy it creates. So far Lent is starting out well. I’ll keep you posted about the next 39 days.

Lent is Coming...

2009-02-24T12:43:00.002-06:00

As I consider this Shrove Tuesday I am pondering what to give up for Lent this year. I know that Lent is not really a part of my culture but I started observing it when I converted to the Episcopal church in college. I'm now a happy Methodist but my church still does the Ash Wednesday service and does seem to peripherally observe Lent. I like the concept of a time of sacrifice to keep us mindful of our spirituality.

I thought about giving up excess in general but that is already covered in my New Year's resolution.

I considered giving up alcohol but that doesn't seem like much of a sacrifice since I don't drink enough to matter. Dropping two glasses of wine in a typical week is pretty paltry as sacrifice goes.

I don't have a lot of vices. I don't gamble, drug, smoke, etc.

I toyed with the idea of giving up Television. Not a huge sacrifice but it might be significant enough to keep me mindful.

I've given up red meat before. As a good native Texan that is a sacrifice that could indeed keep spirituality in my thoughts.

Hmm, TV? Meat? TV? Meat?

Meat it is. I figure it is best for my overall health. I think Fat Tuesday will be celebrated with a steak tonight.

I'll try not to be grumpy between tomorrow and Easter.

One More Reason to Love Austin

2009-01-29T23:05:00.002-06:00

Someone hacked into the City of Austin computer program that controls the messages on roadsigns and added what you see above. Actually the entire message scrolled through with 'Caution Zombies Ahead- Run for colder climates! Another incarnation read "Nazi Zombies Ahead!!! Run!! The end is near!

Mmm... Austin.

25 Random Things About Me

2009-01-26T23:26:00.002-06:00

This was a Facebook assignment and I thought I'd post it here too.

1. I hate carrots, but My favorite dessert is carrot cake.
2. I sometimes still have an imaginary friend. Usually someone I have a crush on.
3. I cry watching Extreme Home Makeover.
4. Rachel Maddow is my imaginary girlfriend.
5. I work hard every day to overcome a fear of being considered lazy.
6. I'm a hypochondriac. It totally sucks.
7. I make the best brisket ever. Seriously- one friend wants it on her death bed.
8. I was a band nerd in high school. Even worse, I was a band nerd in college.
9. I'm currently toying with the idea of writing a book of erotica.
10.My mama is better than your mama.
11.I think Mama Cass Elliot was actually kinda hot.
12.I've never been on a date with a man.
13.My ADD keeps me disconnected from people.
14.I think tattoos are cool but can't think of anything I would want on my body forever.
15.I think about love and romance 80% of any given day.
16.I'm a tiny bit OCD.
17.I like to poke fun of mean people on Craigslist under the pen name of Sparks.
18.I own all the seasons of The L Word but I've never watched them.
19.I really, really like splitting wood for the fire.
20.I don't like to argue but I love good debate.
21.Women have won me over buy buying me caffeine-free Earl Grey tea.
22.I think the Alamo Draft House is the best idea in ages.
23.I would like to be described as 'adorkable'.
24.I don't mind if some people don't like me. In some cases I think it reflects well on me.
25.Writing my blog is one of the most satisfying things I do.

I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter!

2009-01-23T19:46:00.003-06:00

I borrowed that line from Phoebe on the sitcom Friends because it is the most appropriate thing I could imagine in this moment.

I had a long talk with one of my exes tonight. She's the one I call "The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come". Long history with her and I'm still not quite sure what to make of it.

So, back to the subject of this post. I've had a 'texting friendship' with gocytc for a year or so now. Only once have we actually talked on the phone and we have exchanged only a handful of emails. Since both of us were single I found a few opportunities to flirt a bit with her through text and then she made a phone call appointment with me for tonight. Said she wanted to clear up a few things.

On the phone she admitted something really big to me. She said she doesn't feel that she has ever gotten over me.

Wow.

That was so out of left field all I could do was stare at the telephone while she was talking. From how she has behaved the past few months I had no idea she had any leftover feelings for me at all. I blithely discussed my love life dramas and various women I had dated and had no idea that each time I did she was hurt by it.

Wow.

She also admitted that she has only been with one person sexually since me.

Eeep!

*Forgive me while I go find some tape to wrap around my head to keep it from cracking open.*

Now please note, dear reader, that our short-lived relationship ended in November 2006. Yeah, that's like Jewish miracle kind of torch life.

Thing is, she has certainly stuck in my head for a long time too. Not to the nearly celibate level I seem to have for her but still. Obviously unfinished business. We have made a couple of half-hearted attempts to reconcile and/or date again but it never materialized. The last time I saw her in person was at Michfest a year after we broke up and she wasn't really speaking to me. Well, I don't really blame her. She mistook Camille for my girlfriend and was still floored I managed to be engaged within a few months of us breaking up.

Yeah, that DOES make me sound like a heel- I do know that. But-- me and the gocytc were never a monogamous couple except for a brief couple of weeks where in the end she broke up with me for the 3rd time. I was dating my future fiancee at the same time and everyone knew the score.

Well, everyone but me. I didn't know how much the gocytc was in love with me. I didn't know how I would rebound from her and fall into playing house with the gal with the adorable little kid and I didn't know that several years later I would be still in the same weird pool of no options like I was when all those women dissolved from my life.

OK, back to the whole 'taste of my own medicine' part.

I guess I really truly understood how the gocytc felt when she said things like: "I tried to be your friend and I had never gotten over you". Or "When you mentioned dating or other women I felt hurt, even though you had obviously moved on."

Yeah, I did that to someone for a while. And demonized them for not being in the same place as me. A little distance and clarity- and seeing things from the other side- made me realize how unfair that is. To judge someone based upon feelings you project upon them and to be angry with them for it.

Sorry about that dear reader. You didn't deserve that. I have yet to decide whether I deserve it from the gocytc, but I'll try to be more considerate of her feelings from now on either way.

A Love Letter to Ana Sisnet

2009-01-19T22:37:00.005-06:00

I wasn't sure if I would write about this but I have decided I should. A friend of mine died last week. She wasn't the close kind of friend where we hung out at each other's houses- just the warm acquaintance that I was always delighted to see at parties and events.

Ana Sisnet was a renaissance woman. She seemed to have her hand in everything. A painter, a writer, a poet, a technology guru- she could do it all.

As is always true when someone passes, I think about the personal interactions I had with her. I bought her heart at Toma Mi Corazon a few years ago. Her beautiful African Mary and Child hangs in the window of my office.

My favorite memory of her was our running joke. On at least two occasions I managed to walk up on conversations just as she said something rather shocking and naughty. After that, each time I saw her I would tease her- "Are you behaving yourself Ana?" She would giggle like a girl and promise she was-- all the while looking like I had caught her once again in some act of debauchery.

I will miss her as a matriarch of the community. A leader of strong, capable women of grace and ability. I will remain hopeful that her influence created more that will follow her path.

Sleep sweet Ms. Ana. I hope you are making Heaven a bit more naughty...

http://www.austinchronicle.com/gyrobase/Issue/story?oid=oid%3A729023

This made me laugh...

2009-01-17T11:14:00.000-06:00

more animals

Last Week

2009-01-12T12:34:00.002-06:00

I can't say I had enough unusual things happen last week to warrant a whole blog entry so I thought I'd just give the headlines.

Planted my winter veggies. Couldn't start my tiller. Broke a water main pulling the hose to water said new veggies. Found a plumber that actually shows up within an hour and worked until 8:30 at night. Love those happy endings.

Started a workout class. 'Buns of steel' crippled me for 4 days. They should call it 'Thighs that will make you cry.' Afterward I seriously walked like I was 90 and screamed each time I bent my knees.

Saw 7 Pounds at Alamo Draft House. Definitely a hankie movie. On the way out I found a guy's wallet. I saw him in the lobby and identified him by his UT ID photo. Imagine his surprise as a strange dyke walks up to him holding a card next to his head, calls his name and hands back a wallet he didn't know he lost. My good deed for the day.

All else is well in the world. No earth-shattering changes, drama or tragedy. Epic win. Wishing you a week steeped in normality.

Whoa. What was that?

2009-01-05T22:56:00.002-06:00

I'm experiencing something that doesn't happen often for me.

I fell out of love this weekend.

It happened once before that I can remember. Once when I was arguing with my soon-to-be ex wife and she tried to make me sell our house and force me to move out. I hung up the phone from a particularly tense and unhappy conversation and thought to myself, "I don't love you anymore."

This time was odd also. A phone conversation that started innocently enough but kind of unraveled about half way through.

Afterward I felt like I was coming down with the flu. I was shaking all over and my face was burning up. I felt cold and was almost sure I had a fever. I took a hot bath, slept a few hours and then woke up obsessing at 5am and couldn't go back to sleep.

I felt a bit better later in the morning but was still not myself. I then met a friend and the subject of this story for lunch and again felt flu-ish when lunch was over.

I went for a walk with my friend and the longer I walked and the more I talked the more I could feel the sickness draining out of me. Two hours later I was myself again.

I didn't think much more about it for the rest of the day and I slept well that night. The next day I felt good. Also different. No more warm fuzzies. No more heart pangs and soulful ache. It both did and didn't make sense. Maybe I finally said what I needed to say. Maybe I finally heard what I needed to hear.

Whatever the cause, I just sweated out a heartache and now I'm grinning to myself and thinking, "gee- what was all that bellyaching about?"

I'm not saying the subject of this story is a bad person, or unlikable; she certainly has her charms and I wish her every happiness.

I'm just glad the clouds have lifted and I can see my way forward again.

As for that morose Resolution post a few days back- I am still focused on becoming more healthy in body, mind and spirit. As for tending my heart- I think I just did.

It's good to be back.

Mommy Dearest

2009-01-02T15:28:00.000-06:00

A woman I know is having a “Mommy Dearest” party this weekend and I am invited. I’m still not sure if I will go but one of the activities mentioned on the invite is to write a story about our mother that can somehow be tied in to the movie. Now one thing is for certain. My mother is practically a saint. I can’t think of a single time she has ever shown herself to be selfish, hateful or cruel. I aspire to be like her in that respect. My mother is also the only person I know that is exactly what she appears to be. No artifice, skeletons in the closet, sinister vices—nada. I know I could never be that person but I adore her for it. In thinking of a ‘mom’ story I could not think of anything that would put her in an unflattering light. Not so with dad- I could write a story about him practically every day, but that is another story—or many, or a novel.

I did, however think of a cute story about my mother and I thought I would share. It certainly does not portray her as cruel—just lacking in decorum, or as I like to describe- a gear for reverse.

My partner and I were hanging out at the dinner table with mom one afternoon. I don’t know how the original subject was broached but it created a horrifying and hilarious “mom story”. Here is pretty much a verbatim exchange.

Mom: “That k.d. lang is so ugly. She is the ugliest woman I believe I ever saw.”
Mom then peers at my partner, cocks her head and says: “You know, you kinda look like her.”
N is dumbstruck, blushes and doesn’t know whether to laugh or just stay silent.
Me: “Mom!”
Mom, now giggling nervously says: “Well, k.d. lang IS ugly, and you DO look like her!”
At this point we all disintegrate into giggling fits and I manage to gasp out: “Mom- just stop talking!”

I figure if that is the worst story anyone could come up with about their mother I am truly blessed. I indeed have a very good mama.

The Happy Year In Review

2009-01-02T12:43:00.012-06:00

I thought I would create a pictorial representation of the things and people that made my year transcendent and special. No need to include the less-than-happy things. I'm sure they will be remembered well enough. Thank you to my friends, family and loves. I'm sure you are all in here somewhere...

My Resolution

2008-12-31T16:46:00.003-06:00

I've decided to give myself some time. Things are challenging for me right now and it seems when I have attempted to pull myself up by my bootstraps it doesn't work- and worse, it may ultimately hurt others.

My plan is to give myself until April to straighten out my head. Well, more specifically, my heart. I'm a walking disaster and have been for a while and no one needs to be subjected to that.

I'm not saying I am cutting myself off from possiblities, but I don't plan to 'put myself out there' for a while. If someone organically steps into my path and my heart melts a bit I will pursue that. Otherwise, I'm focusing on becoming more healthy- physically, mentally and spiritually- this winter.

So, call me up, unknown reader. I'll be available for movies, chilly winter walks, a cider at my local pub, time with nature and good friends. Otherwise, I'm hunkering down for a long winter, tending the fire beneath my ribs.

Better Than Therapy

2008-12-30T08:30:00.003-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUO0gd7cr9o

This vid is amazing and exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. Sara Bareilles, you write my heart. Thank you.

BTW, the song is from a CD of winter-oriented songs and sales benefit breast cancer research. I think it would be a very good investment.

The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of... Strippers?

2008-12-28T22:04:00.005-06:00

Today is my birthday. Overall it was better than many I've had in the past. Usually most people are out of town for my birthday and planning a party is a pretty big disappointment. I know it shouldn't bother me- my whole life I've had to deal with everyone being out of school and out of town for my birthday but it really was a treat to gather a dozen or so of my friends for a swell party today.

I also have a thing about not wanting to plan parties for myself (at least not my birthday). Luckily my friend Janet offered to throw me a party and it really was the best I can remember. There was prime rib, potatoes with rosemary and this killer Gorgonzola cream sauce, asparagus, broccoli and made-from-scratch yeast rolls. There was also tons of Champagne for mimosas. Even the mimosa juices were more uptown than I typically see. They were these three yummy nectars of mango, passion fruit and apricot. Needless to say most attending got delightfully buzzed and my disparate group of friends got on swimmingly. Everyone got together to toast me and sing Happy Birthday, which embarrassed me to no end. Strangely enough, for as social as I am I absolutely hate when the attention of more than a couple of people is trained on me at once. With 12 or so people made me want to crawl into a corner and disappear. I think in those moments I go inside my head and wait for it to be over, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. Anyway, beyond a few tense moments being the center of attention I had a fantastic time.

When the party ended my lovely hostess and a couple other party goers tried to convince me to go to a strip club with them. Now I have in the past been tempted by such things but today it held little appeal. I instead knew how I wanted to spend my evening. Tonight The Sound of Music was playing on TV. I completely love that movie. There are at least four places where it makes me cry and the whole thing is just enchanting. My roomie discovered I had it on and was thrilled. She told me stories of how she loved it as a kid and teen and how she had a huge crush on Julie Andrews in the movie. I can see her appeal: short hair, cute as a button, sings great, total romantic, confused nun... mmm, dreamy. Conversely I have on occasion pictured myself as Captain Von Trapp. How WOULD I solve a problem like Maria?

So, if turning a certain age today inspires me to choose The Sound of Music over the lure of the Lap Dance so be it. I think I'm OK right where I am.

Relationships in the Modern World

2008-12-22T11:45:00.002-06:00

A pen pal on OKCupid asked me an interesting question today. She wanted to know my opinion on why it is that many relationships do not last very long.

Interesting question, and I have a few theories:

1) I think modern society is modeling for everyone that everything on earth is impermanent and disposable. There are very few things in this world that someone commits to keep for a lifetime. If you think of it, every possession, career, living space and household object will be changed and replaced- and most will agree- at a an alarmingly faster rate than in the past. I'm sure most of you remember the permanence of our parent's generation. People got a single home, started work for a stable company and bought well-thought out belongings that were meant to last a lifetime. I think the same mentality factors in when thinking of relationships. Most of us have the best of intentions but just have no model for what a lifetime commitment would look like. We job-hop, city-hop, throw away everything from our razors to our cameras, so what exactly is permanence?

2) Another factor that somewhat ties in to the theory above is the feeling that if you settle for one person, all those other gillions of options are done- and what if one of those was better? We are in a place of actually shopping for PEOPLE online! OKCupid, Yahoo Personals, Craigslist-- we look for people like buying a product and with the constant draw of 'next month's selection' how can anyone find a real connection and be content? Just living in a city with lots of things to do and attractive, interesting people everywhere can give anyone the 'grass is greener' syndrome. In past generations, especially in more rural societies most everyone found a partner at an early age, started having kids and Mr. Johnson's wife was no better than your own- and think of the scandal at your church if something out-of-line happened! So- more anonymity, less accountability, more temptation, less permanence.

3) Years ago the life-span of people was decidedly shorter, therefore 'forever' with a wife/husband may be 20 or 30 years less than it is now. It is pretty easy to commit when you will be dead at 45 anyway.

4) There is also the factor that since our generation has less parents that have been married all of OUR lives, we do not have as many people who actually have lifetime commitment MODELED for them. It is easier to think of ditching a partner if the people who raised you couldn't make it work either.

Who knows what will happen to the future of 'lifetime' commitment but I don't like the direction this is heading. I am one of the lucky 'old school' types that has parents that just celebrated 50 years of marriage. My father has worked for the same company since 1969 and I lived in the same house from 2nd grade until I left for college. I'm a dying breed, which is why I look at potential lovers and connections with such a jaundiced eye, but I was built for the long haul. Maybe someday I will find someone who was also.

I'm Dreaming of a (Surprisingly) White Christmas

2008-12-22T08:21:00.002-06:00

I had friends over again last night to enjoy a bit of holiday cheer. My first gathering was so much fun I thought I'd do another.

This time my roomie and I made a really yummy dinner and after dessert we settled in to watch Holiday Inn. I knew almost nothing about the film except that it was the first time the song White Christmas was sung in a movie. I love old movies and was looking forward to watching it and sharing with my friends.

Well Holy racism batman! Movies like this really make me realize how much times have changed! First there is an stereotypical Aunt Jemima type character named Maimey, complete with two silent children and no visible father. As if that were not bad enough, one of the big scenes in the movie was a tribute number to Abe Lincoln done in blackface! Blackface! Bing Crosby and a ton of other white people with black makeup drawling in 'yes massa' type diction! Horrors! And- I kid you not- the Maimey character sang this line in the song:

When black folks lived in slavery
Who was it set the darkie free?
Abraham, Abraham

Wow. We were sitting there transfixed and horrified, periodically yelling out our shock and dismay. I now see why this is not a movie that is replayed on TV- and why I have never seen it before. I think in the future I will stick with White Christmas, which was made a bit later and does not include a blackface number. Oh, and there was pretty rampant sexism in the movie too, but it was definitely overshadowed by the racist stereotypes. I guess I am glad I saw the movie, if for nothing else than to understand how far we have come. Now I excitedly wait for Jan. 20th to see the inauguration of our first black president. I wouldn't mind seeing a big musical number based on that, but hold the blackface.

Collected Wisdom and Why I Love Austin

2008-12-20T22:48:00.005-06:00

Saw this on the bathroom wall of Hole In the Wall last night:

"My Mother made me a lesbian"

Someone else wrote below:

"If I give her yarn will she make me one too?"

Saw this on an old Ford pickup parked next to me at Midas this morning:

I'm starting to really like my co-workers...

2008-12-09T12:52:00.002-06:00

Random quote from my co-worker Mark (which is so much better when taken out of context)

"You just never expect a song about prostitutes leaving the farm to turn into a classic Christmas song, but there ya go."

As for the context, another co-worker was listening to hold music at a site and they were playing "Hard Candy Christmas" from "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas".

Let's add a few more quotes about the same subject:

Chris: 'What is the movie about anyway?'

Jimmy: 'It's about the UT vs. A&M football game.'

Steve: 'You know, I wasted 3 hours driving out there one time. I heard the song and thought- Hey, I wanna check this place out!'

Mark: 'Steve, the song was written in 1974- did you really think it was still around?'

A Legacy of Passion

2008-12-07T19:34:00.004-06:00

I was thinking of my nephew today. He is 16. Nothing is more intense and huge and important as when you are 16. He fell for a girl about a year ago. It was a long-distance thing. I have no idea how far it went but he was certainly smitten. Just as randomly as it began, she dropped him. He really has not been the same since. He told me he has no interest in dating now because he doesn't want to get hurt like that again.

Yeah, welcome to the Edwards legacy of lovers who experience great loss.

My brother nearly committed suicide over love. His great love dropped him and he came unhinged. My mom and I had to fight him down as he tried to take the gun out of my dresser and go looking for the guy this girl dropped him for. A year or so later he admitted he sneaked the gun again and locked himself in his room with it, determined he did not want to live. The only thing that stopped him was knowing the horror that would await his family once that door was opened.

My father of course also loves in a big way, but he seems to aim a bit lower than his progeny. He just chooses desperate cafe waitresses and women with low self-esteem that seem to never go away (even though I would really like it if they did).

And then there is me. I join the ranks of the Edwards 'men who love too much' by being a butch lesbian. BTW-- The women in my family-- much more pragmatic.

For me, I love fully, fearlessly. Some would say recklessly.

Yeah, maybe, but I know what moves me.

I fall for intelligence, intensity, and unfortunately, brooding types. Are you distant? Driven? Slightly surly? Mmm, yummy.

Unfortunately, this type does not readily express kindness. In turn I am not treasured, adored or seen as fully the absolute gift that I am to this person. Does that sound narcissitic? Calling myself a gift? Well, honestly I am. For the woman lucky enough to recognize it I am a wish fulfilled. For the right one I am steadfast, kind, challenging, supportive and true. I am also capable of a passion and devotion to which others cannot fathom. That lucky person will have my heart and will deserve it. Obviously though, I'm not currently doing enough to draw the right person to me. I believe in sending out energy of intention into the universe so this post is a step. I do firmly believe when I open the path to myself wide enough, the right person will walk through. Until then, I still have some lessons to learn.

Cet obscur objet du désir

2008-12-03T09:05:00.002-06:00

I had a holiday tree-decorating party on Sunday and invited a few close friends to create a new holiday tradition of friendship, goodwill and warmth. It was a great success. The gathering allowed some important people in my life to meet and it sparked an interesting conversation the next day.

I chatted the next day with Mr. Darcy and she mentioned that my ex, M, had a strange energy that makes her quite fascinating. I realized that others have felt that when they meet her but it was very gratifying to actually speak of it. I admitted that M was probably the closest I have ever felt to experiencing love at first sight. I met her at a dinner gathering for a couple of friends who were getting married. I remember arriving at the party and being hot, sweaty, and very hungry- to the point of feeling a hypoglycemic loopyness. My main objective was some sort of meat product on the grill and into my path steps M. She looked at me more directly and intensely than anyone I could remember. Looking back, I couldn't tell you anyone else in my environment past the point when she and I locked eyes. A couple days later I danced with her at the wedding and when I put my arm around her waist she leaned her head on my shoulder and I heard her breathe "Mmmm" into my ear.

I was hooked. She lived half a country away, she had a girlfriend and nothing about her life coincided with mine.

I didn't care.

Mr. Darcy said that although she felt something resembling this energy, she also felt her spirit guides touch her shoulder and guide her away.

It must be nice to have the universe look after you in that way.

Overall though, I think the experiences I have with my loves far outweigh the hard jolts when I hit the ground. I may not say that in the moments right after something blows up in my face but after a time and the opportunity for some perspective I know the truth. Loves that come into my life enhance me immeasurably. What would my life have been like without all those women who have broken my heart?

Decidedly empty.

When in my advanced age I look back at my life I believe I will feel very lucky to have experienced as much love as I have. I bless them all, and look forward to the opportunity to reach those heights again, even for just a little while.

The Screenplay Would Never Sell

2008-11-17T12:19:00.002-06:00

So imagine a new play or movie-or even a Greek myth- based upon this comedy of errors:

The story is of two heroes, Fortuno and Marino. Although not a perfect pairing, our heroes enjoy a challenging and unusual bond. Eventually internal conflict and the desire to travel to new lands prompts Marino to decide to change the connection. Marino writes to Fortuno and requests a meeting, suggesting details forthcoming in a letter. Fortuno is anxious but agrees to await the letter. Fortuno waits. And waits. And waits some more. Fortuno becomes angry that the mystery is never explained and that no letter arrives. Having no way to reach Marino other than by also sending a letter, Fortuno decides to write Marino, expressing frustration and sadness and ultimately ending their connection. After Fortuno sends this heartfelt missive, Marino never responds. Fortuno misses Marino very much but can only assume a callus and unfeeling former friend. Many misunderstandings, hard feelings, assumptions of insanity and hijinx ensue. The twist, revealed much later is that Marino had actually sent a very long and detailed letter to Fortuno that was never received. Marino of course assumed Fortuno had gotten the letter and was completely confused by what appeared to be an angry and nonsensical response.

Nah, that would never sell. Too implausible and silly for the modern world.

Just in case things like that do happen, I will in the future refrain from describing the character of Marino as 'jerkface'.

See...

2008-11-12T23:49:00.002-06:00

Even lolcats love Rachel...

Post Election Musings

2008-11-10T11:06:00.002-06:00

Wow. It's been a long time coming, that's for sure.

Rachel Maddow (yeah, haven't mentioned her in a few posts so of course I will now) said before the election: If, when seeing all the postive news, polls and signs showing Obama will most likely win the election, you are still terrified something will happen to snatch this away, you are a Democrat.

Guilty as charged. I was fearful until the very moment California and the rest of the states that put him over the top were called for Obama. My friends chide me for my lack of faith but I tell them I've had 8 years of rotten luck so forgive my lack of positive outlook.

Now that what I see as the nearly-impossible has happened, I think I'm still a bit dumbstruck. I believe it without totally letting my head wrap around the concept. The main feeling I have is peace. A sense of quiet and lightness and calm. I'm not quite sure what to do with all the energy I have spent the last few years shaking my fist and fuming at the way things were going. I obviously need a new hobby. I would feel disloyal to what this new era means if I were only to return to my role of playful gadabout so I do hope to find meaningful volunteer opportunities soon. Suggestions are welcome.

In the meantime, let's dance.

Holy Hateful, Batman!

2008-11-04T13:03:00.001-06:00

"Packing" for Denver

2008-11-03T22:37:00.003-06:00

OK so this will be one of those rather revealing posts but since I can very easily see the hilarity in it I'm going to share it with you. (Whoever 'you' may be.)

I went on a mojo-restoring trip to Denver this weekend to see an old hookup. As I was preparing to pack I polled a few friends on what I should do about the sensitive subject of the uh... 'personal items' I was taking with me on the flight.

My friend C said, "Hell, take them in a carry-on bag and if you get searched, look them straight in the eye without a hint of embarrassment as if to say, 'yeah- those are my dicks. What of it?"

My frisky Denver recipient of the visit said, "Dude- just check your bag."

My roomie said, "Hmm, I wouldn't want to take the chance. Best to check it."

I ended up thinking that would indeed be the best option. Not that checked bags don't get searched, but at least I wouldn't be standing there when it happened.

I checked the bag on the way to Denver with no incidents but it cost an extra 15 bucks. Phooey.

So, on the way back I decided to try for carry-on with my bag.*

*Oh, for those who wonder- yes, awesome time in Denver. Mojo restored big time. :)

Anyway, so the airport in Denver is really crowded and I hate going through security anyway. I feel like there must be a big visible thought-bubble floating over my head saying 'this woman has something to hide'. I'm fumbling with the backpack with my laptop computer, my coat (which has become way too warm to wear inside but I'm stuck with it on) and the dreaded bag with the 'stuff'. Then, about 10 yards from the security conveyor I see this sign saying all your liquids have to be in a clear plastic bag carried separately from your luggage. (Why Austin didn't insist on this I'll never know) I take one of the ziplocks and then kneel on the floor trying to pull out all the travel toiletries from my bag. Dammit! Why did I take the cute little shampoo and conditioner from the hotel? So here I am, rifling through my bags on the airport floor, people stepping over me and of course at this point, I'm sweating like a whore in church. I finally seem to locate all my travel stuff, throw it into the bag and then negotiate the strip-down, taking off my shoes and belt and coat (thank goodness) in addition to pulling out my laptop and lastly, putting the 'dangerous' carry-on onto the conveyor. I walk through the metal detector without setting off any bells or whistles, start grabbing for my things and then I hear the horrible declaration from Homeland Security:

"Bag check. Bag check."

My bag.

Of course MY bag.

I stand rooted to the spot, barefoot, pants sliding down my butt, heart thudding, looking for all the world like a dykey, disheveled very-nervous terrorist.

I watch the security guy grab my bag. Then toss it aside. Then pluck from the conveyor my plastic baggie of 'liquids'. He unzips it, pulls out my full-sized, incredibly threatening...

tube of Colgate.

"I'm sorry Ma'am. This is over 3.5 ounces. We can't let you go through with this."

In stunned disbelief I mumble, "O.K, you can keep it."

They shove everything else toward me and I hurriedly reassemble my belongings and sprint for my airline gate, silently thanking my sex-positive guardian angels and being very glad I still have a few xanex in my pocket for the flight.

My Dream World is Much Happier Than Real Life

2008-10-29T09:48:00.003-05:00

I had a really great dream last night. It was very vivid and I remember many more details than I do typically for dreams. In the dream I was with the lover I forced myself to stop seeing a while ago. We were tumbling around in bed and giggling, which was something we did often and it holds fine memories for me. She was wearing her adorable striped jammie pants and white tee. She wrestled me over and leaned above my face and said,

"You know I really love you."

I was surprised because she had never said it this way before in real life.

"Really?" I said, surprised.

"Of course I do. You know that."

We continued to wrestle and laugh and I held her close. It felt amazing.

Then, as dreams often do, something totally weird happened but was treated as if it was not unusual in the least.

My ex wife walked by the bed and asked if we would be ready soon for the group breakfast she was planning. We agreed that we would be ready and then someone else from her family walked by and started bickering about their choice for breakfast locale.

I woke up and really regretted reality.

Straight?

2008-10-29T09:45:00.001-05:00

I just got the weirdest IM message from someone on OKCupid the other night. She said when she attempted to IM me my stats listed me as straight! Yikes! I went back and double-checked my profile and no- I'm listed as gay. Weird.

I've always thought of myself as among the gayest of the gay. I do occasionally find transmen sexy and it always makes me feel slightly embarrassed and confused. I went out with a transman a while back to kind of explore what it was I felt. This one happened to be someone I had a huge crush on when he was a woman. He was still pretty feminine-looking when we hung out again. He had girly affected mannerisms and his voice, although deepened by the T, was still very feminine in character, which made him sound like a very swishy gay man. I found him attractive and realized this was about as much boy as I could handle on the intimacy scale so I kissed him.

I'm not sure what I was expecting but my reaction was somewhat comforting. He had rough wiskery skin and smelled unfamilar and, well... pretty unappealing. While he in female form was a huge crush and I had wanted to kiss 'her' for years, kissing 'him' made me feel nothing.It was an interesting experiment. I'll continue to admire transmen from afar but it is my destiny to be with women and I'm quite happy with that.

Random Synapse Firings

2008-10-28T08:21:00.003-05:00

Or not.

Every time I hear the song "Buffalo Soldier" by Bob Marley I think it sounds like the theme for the weirdo TV show The Banana Splits. I see now that I am not the only one who follows this theory:

http://www.beachbumparadise.com/bob-marley-buffalo-soldiers-banana-splits/

Now I can sleep better at night...

Dating Adventure

2008-10-18T08:53:00.001-05:00

I went on my first date in a while last night. I enjoyed how it didn't progress the typical way so it did make for kind of a good story.

She called me as I was about to leave to meet her at Enoteca and told me her car would not start and she was at work downtown. I suggested I pick her up and we go to dinner and try to start her car afterward. That was acceptable and I picked her up at Dog and Duck Pub by her office. We then had a very nice dinner, did a little browsing in the local shops while we waited for a table, had a nice wine, both enjoyed some very yummy food and good conversation.

Afterward I stopped at the cupcake trailor and we got a couple of cupcakes for later.
Then the fun began.

No, not that kind of fun.

I went back to her office to try to start her car. It was pretty obvious it was a battery issue. My date was a true high femme and was not only clueless about cars but also somewhat freaked out about the idea of jumper cables and the danger that might be involved. I had a tough time convincing her to hold one end of the cables while I attached the other end to the affected car. The other weird thing? My car battery is in the back of my car, under the floorboard by the spare tire. I attempted to jump from there- after taking all the flooring out of the back of my car- and no luck. I then consulted my car manual. Yes, being somewhat like a guy, I typically don't read directions before I attempt to do something I've done before. I then found out that the post for jumping the car are still under the hood of my car, even though the battery is in the back. I then took everything apart and tried again. Still her car would not take a jump. Now also remember I'm in a nice dress shirt and my date is in a skirt and heels and we are poking around under the hood of cars. I unhook everything and then suggest we clean the battery terminals on her car and also fill the battery with water. I try both these things, assisted by my date who gets me water and paper towels out of her office. So, battery has water, terminals are clean and dry, try again... nada. The car inside lights and radio, etc. definitely get better when the cables are connected but it is still not enough to start the car. I finally give up and offer to drive her home and let her deal with the next steps on her own, which probably involve buying a new battery. I then drive her home and drop her off at her door.

The verdict? Amusing adventure on a first official date. As for my date herself? A sweet person and very attractive. As for my feelings? Meh. She doesn't turn my crank.

I guess I shouln't expect to find anything amazing anytime soon and dating in itself is a fun activity but when I date and don't feel anything I start to worry that I will be that way for a while. I don't fall easily so I guess I will kick back and see how long this dry spell will last...

My Shallow Dating Pool

2008-10-10T12:18:00.003-05:00

So I went to a speed dating event last night. I was pretty ambivalent about it but figured I could use a change in routine and I liked the idea of meeting new people, even just for the sake of entertainment.

Entertaining it was. No love connections but I wasn't really expecting any. I was in a bar after all and that doesn't bring out the type to which I am drawn. I'm glad I went though. I met some interesting people, and some people who were interesting in that train wreck kind of way. I met a few women that made 3 minutes seem like an eternity- especially the dried up old barfly that treated me like a therapist. My diagnosis: depression aided by rampant alcoholism. The environment did force me to chat with some women I would not have normally and some were surprising. I liked meeting the former military tomboi that delighted me with her love for the old-fashioned hand-written letter. She also had a strong wit and a nice advocacy for proper English grammar. She would make a nice friend. I also met a fascinating scientist. She studies marine life, specifically sharks. She had a delightful German accent I mistakenly guessed was Austrian and seemed very stable and together. She was a foreign exchange student that never went home after high school. I felt a compulsion to invite her for Thanksgiving dinner. There was also an assortment of oddities I will only identify with nicknames like Alpaca girl, chipmunk girl and fast food girl.

Oh, and to add to the strangeness of the night- my ex K was in the bar with what looked like a... -what would you call a butch girl version of a harem? A stud stable? Yeah, so she was perched on a bar stool behind me as I did my silly "Hi, nice to meet you..." stuff, surrounded by bois in waiting. That was weird. It is strange and amusing that one of her 'thangs (J) is strikingly like me. That makes the 2nd woman J and I have both dated in common. In some strange way I consider it a compliment. I managed to leave without saying hi to K- not as a slight, but I was just overstimulated I was over my human interaction limit for the night.

I did meet one woman I would like to meet again for an actual date. I didn't learn enough about her to know if she really has potential but she is pretty rockin from what I could tell in 3 minutes. She looks like an old-school high gloss femme. Perfectly applied makeup, corkscrew-curly dark hair and a killer smile. She says she likes bookstores, coffeehouses and considers herself a foodie. Yeah, I hope she picked me. I love to cook and I'd like a nice old-fashioned date.

OK, back to work for the State of Texas. Have a great weekend everyone.

Home. There and Here.

2008-10-02T15:56:00.002-05:00

I've been traveling for my contract job for the past month. Home a bit but also in lots of medium-sized Texas towns. I had an ex that said she used to love that feeling of waking up and not being sure where she was for just a moment. I find that feeling disturbing and couldn't imagine enjoying it. In the past few weeks I have awoken in Waco, College Station, my parents house, a few cars- pretty much everywhere but my own bed.

Being around my parents was rejuvinating. My mom treated me like royalty- making all my favorite foods, clearing my dishes, making my favorite pie- even making my bed if I didn't beat her to it! We didn't talk about my love life but I defintely benefitted from the special treatment and TLC. It was great for my self-esteem to bathe in unconditional love and a strange sort of popularity I seem to have when I visit. My name is called so much when I am there I wonder what they do when I am not around to fuss over.

The travel has been a bit of a balm for my loneliness. Yes, I still miss her very much but have to keep telling myself it is for the best. Sometimes it feels like convincing myself it was better to leave a mangled body part and walk away not intact- but alive. I am alive but I miss the part I severed when I stumbled away with what I had left. I tell myself I should date again but I don't think I'm ready. I know I'm going to be hellishly picky and that in itself is depressing...

Now on to good news. I start a new permanent job on Monday the 6th. I was offered a job with the state Health Department as support for software issues related to the WIC program. The salary is good and of course the benefits are amazing so I'm thrilled my 6 month sojourn is coming to a close.

In other good news I'm set to watch the VP debate tonight. I'm actually allowing myself the tiniest of hopes that the Dems might get back into the White House this year. After 8 wretched years I still can barely whisper the idea out loud but things are looking promising. Of course I won't truly be able to breathe freely until November 5th.

Speaking of the election I got into an actual screaming match with my brother over politics while I was visiting my family last week. He actually believes a bizarre scenario in which Obama will be elected, then killed, sparking race riots that will threaten all white people. He also spouted off about my black friends turning on me if anything like this comes to pass. I find it almost impossible I grew up in the same environment as this man. I think I know why I am gay. Because if something in my own life had not forced me to look at the world differently I might have turned out like him. If I have never said it before I'll say it now: Thank you G-d for making me gay!

Again I return to a path I know well. The unlighted, unknown trail of infinite possibility to which no outcome is known. Like those first confusing moments of conciousness wondering where I am- I am disoriented, somewhat fearful, but starting the new day.

Get Out- and Take Your Stupid Arrows With You!

2008-09-20T22:12:00.002-05:00

Why do you bedevil me so? Do you delight in my pain, regret and sorrow? Do you intentionally aim your weaponry at me or are you just that careless? I've had enough of your exquisite curse and I ask you respectfully to leave me be. You could not possibly consider it a kindness to leave me in such a state. Lonely, confused, angry, full of remorse and mourning. In your eternal childlike state you know not what you foist upon us hapless mortals. I sincerely hope a parent-god confiscates that errant bow and thrashes with it your naked thighs for causing all this trouble.

Now stay away from my threshold or I will pepper your seraphic pinons wish some non-ethereal buckshot.

Sincerely,

Eddie

First Times for Everything

2008-09-14T23:49:00.003-05:00

I heard a musician interviewed recently and the reporter asked him why there are so many more sad songs than happy ones. The answer was simple and rang true. "When you are happy and in love you are all about feeling that and spending time with that person. When it ends you have a whole lot more time on your hands."

So yeah, I haven't been writing much lately but for the above reason, that will probably change.

My latest connection to go throttle up and belly down was definitely different. I have never been courted before. I have never grown to love someone after initially thinking there was no attraction.

I've also (until this person) never loved someone BEFORE I had sex with them.

There's also another important first. I've never broken up with someone of my own choice when I still actively loved them. Usually they break up with me or I wait until I pretty much detest them to end things.

In this case, I still care for her very much. Not that it has a future, or is good for me, or provided what I needed. In the past I ignored those things and held to my love like grim death. This time I did what I needed to keep myself fully respected. At least by my most important person. Me.

Goodbye M Darcy. Thanks for the dance.

News of the Strange and Tragic

2008-08-25T11:22:00.002-05:00

I heard a few weeks ago from Cora that her transplant recipient was not doing well. To catch you all up, Cora (formerly known as Corey, my ex) had a friend that suffered a stroke a while back and his kidneys failed. Cora went in for a test to see if her kidney happened to be compatible and against a good many odds, it was. She decided to donate her kidney to her friend because in her words, "I've seen too many of my friends die and if I can do something to save one of them I will".

So, a couple of months ago Cora donated her kidney to her friend who lived in L.A.

Today she told me her friend died.

He had been battling various infections and things since pretty soon after the transplant.

My heart goes out to her. I can't imagine giving up an organ to save someone and having them die anyway. She is in my thoughts, and I hope the creator can find some way to make her feel her sacrifice was not in vain.

I prayed a lot for this fellow to make it. When I heard he died I thought "Now what possible good could come from that?" Today I wonder if I should ever pray for what I want. I have pretty much decided that prayer as intersession does not work. It might be better overall to just pray for the strength to accept whatever happens since we have no freaking power over it anyway.

Maybe I need someone to pray for me today.

In other news, I got a call for a job interview today. If I get it I will be working really weird hours. What my mom calls 'Graveyard'. It is for a job at UT doing computer support and staffing a computer center that houses a 3 million dollar computer system from the National Science Foundation. The hours would be midnight to 8am, M-F. If times were better I wouldn't consider it, but since this is the first interview I have gotten since finding my current job will end this Friday, I'm pretty motivated to take what I can get. I figure I would sleep from 8:30am or so until around 4 in the afternoon, still have my social schedule between 5-11 and then go to work. I think I could tolerate it- at least until I found something else.

Well, I guess that's it for today. I tragic, one strange. I guess that's life.

A Confession

2008-08-18T15:56:00.002-05:00

I can no longer deny it.

I'm bored. Bored to the point of wandering the halls. Bored to the point of calling people just to talk and going to websites in which I have absolutely no interest. This "job" is sucking my soul.

You'd think I could be happy just sitting in a chair all day and getting $25 an hour for the privilege of taking up space.

No.

I hate it.

I've tried not to hate it, but honestly this 'job' is like the employment equivilent of a sensory deprivation chamber. I have no co-workers. I have no team. I barely have a manager. I'm sitting in an office with my back against my boss- who is constantly in meetings and although he gives me a cheerful greeting every day- really has almost no interaction with me. As bad as it sounds I really hope this job ends in two weeks. I can't handle the lack of structure, the lack of real accomplishment, the knowledge that I contributed exactly zero to the success of this organization.

I look at the people I pass in the hall and think, "I bet you do something for your pay." It is also pretty intolerable to know most people around me actually think I'm working. For a while this was novel. Now its just misery.

I'm applying for jobs, but I have to admit- there are even fewer jobs in my field available now than when I lost my job in April. I also haven't gotten more than an automated response or two and some outright rejections from the applications I have sent out so far. I may be out of work longer this time than the last.

You would think ANY work would be better than unemployment. Working for the 'job-that-is- not-work' doesn't really qualify.

If you read this, send some good energy out for me. I need a perm job that really does expect me to accomplish something. This has really turned into the No Purpose Driven Job.

Seasonal Lover Reviews

2008-08-12T15:57:00.003-05:00

I find there are so many parallels between work/career and romantic relationships I have kind of synthesized a new belief about reviews.

Both employer and employee value their relationships enough to agree that performance reviews are important. Why- when most people see love relationships as (at least to a lot of people) more important than a job, why do we not have periodic relationship reviews?

I think quarterly reviews would be best. Once or twice a year is way too long to go without a serious check-in on how both parties feel in the relationship. The main thing about this idea is- you really are allowed to decide at this point the relationship is not going to work out-- so going into a 'relationship review', much like a performance review at a job, can sometimes have life-changing results. Reviews are serious and both parties would have to agree to the results- meaning you have to be prepared for both an excellent or a poor review. Someone may be put on a 'performance review' plan, in which if specific issues are not worked upon and actual major results are achieved... well... we might just have to 'let you go'. Thing is- without being held accountable, an employee's performance can go downhill. Same with a relationship. You have to be reminded that you have a responsibility. Many responsibilities. Responsibilities such as these:

Pay attention to your surroundings and make an effort in the relationship.
Take care of your health- both physical and mental.
Improve yourself in some appreciable way (classes, social events, hobbies, spirituality)
Think of sex as not just an enjoyable activity, but a serious bonding experience that is essential to the health of your relationship.
Be present and realize your attitude affects your partner. Be the best person you can be and expect the same from them.

So, if a person really followed these guidelines they would not fear the 'relationship review'. There should be no surprises-- just a confirmation of your perception of the past 'quarter'. I think it would be appropriate to have these 'reviews' at the change of seasons. Set up appointments on the Solstice and Equinox dates and confirm that you and your partner are on equal and healthy footing Spring, Summer, Winter and Fall.

Think about it-- if you took your relationship as seriously as your job wouldn't there be a lot fewer surprises? You probably wouldn't have nearly as many incidents where you bopped onto the job site to discover your 'employer' had hired someone else to 'fill your position'.

Here's wishing everyone long and happy 'careers' together.

My Recurring Dream

2008-08-12T13:31:00.006-05:00

I have a dream that recurs about every couple of weeks. It is never exactly the same every time but the theme and activities are so similar I know it is 'that' dream again taking a slightly different form.

The dream is of travel. Sometimes I am driving on a road trip, sometimes I am on a train, sometimes a plane (those usually involve more stress and tension and are much more disturbing) and overwhelmingly of late they have been on boats. The pattern of the dream is that I obviously have a destination but something sidetracks me in the dream and I either stop for a rest (if driving) or I stop for something like a train change or I'm waiting with the plane on the ground because of a delay. Anyway, whatever way it presents itself I always end up on some sort of side adventure that makes my trip longer- or sometimes causes me to miss the next part of my trip. It is never overly upsetting (in the cases of flight it is actually a relief) and I seem to enjoy the interruption as much as I would have enjoyed the destination. One other common thing about this dream is that I am always traveling alone.

I long ago decided this dream represented my life. I never reach my destination- which I have determined to be the end of my life. The side adventures are always enjoyable and although I have a vague feeling that I should continue on my journey, I never mind the interruptions that much and ultimately decide the break in my plans was worthwhile and significant.

I had the dream again last night. I was sailing out of Galveston to the Caribbean. As usual, something caused a change in plans and as usual I didn't mind.

There was one thing that was different this time though. This time I had a partner with me. It was incredibly comforting and I realized how much I enjoyed seeing old things again and pointing them out and also seeing new things knowing she was thrilled to be on the adventure with me. I'm not sure exactly what my dream was trying to tell me this time. Maybe just that it is not always best to plan your life journey alone. I do know it felt very profound when I awoke. I certainly liked the feeling of someone I loved at my side on the ocean. Whatever the message, it has certainly been on my mind today. And so has she.

Trust

2008-08-11T09:27:00.003-05:00

As animals, we humans learn from both positive and negative experiences. We learn more from negative, like 'don't pick up that hot thing' or 'don't touch that hissing kitty'. Pain ingrains experience in us the way nothing else can.

Knowing this, how can we expect that negative romantic experiences will not teach us that trusting- loving- depending on someone outside ourselves is not dangerous and foolish?

I certainly feel I have learned that lesson. I have had 2 major relationships that were long-lasting and geared toward a lifetime together. [I of course have had many others that were at least entered into with the best of intentions but for the purpose of this story I'm focusing on the most important ones here] Two major relationships in my life have spoken of a life together and created a vision of crotchety old ladies in rocking chairs on porches somewhere. The first never involved a marriage, but we were very compatible and it felt like we were in it for the long haul. Certainly it felt like a real possibility that this could be the last romantic connection of my life. We worked well together, got along well, pushed each other in positive ways, matched each other in intelligence... then it ended. Ended with her trotting off to live in another country with a traveler she met. I don't think I have felt a pain that intense since. I went beyond losing a partner. I lost any idea of structure in my life and it felt like gravity itself had been yanked out from under me. I'd never lived on my own, and had long since forgotten how to date and be single. I was totally disoriented. After losing 20 pounds on the tragedy diet plan and wandering in a stupor barely knowing how to function I found myself. I found a sexuality I had repressed, a circle of friends with which I could truly connect and most of all, I found that I was much more capable than I ever knew myself to be. Without knowing it, my partnership had hobbled me. I wasn't living to my full potential and within 6 months I was toasting my ex saying "Here's to N. Thank God you left me!"

After some time of delightful dating and amazing romances I met my future wife. We connected instantly and within weeks we were in love. Still stinging from my negative experiences with long-term commitment, my wife made special efforts to convince me she was sincere and dedicated and wanted a lifetime commitment. I was skeptical and not very trusting but she kept saying words like 'forever' and 'lifetime' and 'promise' and 'faith'. Eventually I believed her. We made plans to get married. I knew I could commit for life and set up a picture in my head of the rest of my life. For a few years it went well. Then my wife met my old college friend. Then bad things happened. Many bad things. Ultimately I was alone again.

I have continued to date and have had varying degrees of success- even fell in love a couple more times, but I know I can't count on anyone to complete the crotchety old ladies on the porch picture for me. My faith is broken and I can only depend on myself. Luckily, the porch with just me on it doesn't frighten me like it once may have. And I'll leave an extra chair out for anyone who might want to stop by and sit a spell.

What I Have Been Missing...

2008-08-08T16:15:00.003-05:00

Obviously my life is missing a bunny letter opener. I must have one.

Besides this obvious void, my life is pretty darn good. My energy is still inconsistent but I'm feeling better physically than I did a few days ago and overall, things are dandy. I have the usual worries such as how much longer will my job last? Are my roomies planning to move out? And of course I have a litany of things I have been procrastinating, such as getting my dog to the vet for a checkup, getting myself to the dentist for a checkup, getting the oil changed in my car, and getting better health insurance.

I updated my resume this week. I really can't imagine them keeping me past the end of the month at this job. Although my skills as a political researcher are second-to-none, (reading CNN.com, MSNBC.com, crooksandliars.com, airamerica.com, electionprojection.com) that is really not in a part of my job description and I wouldn't mind doing actual work to ease my guilt a bit. Anyway, it was hard describing my current job considering how little I have done but luckily, creative writing IS one of my many skills! Someone called me about my old Dell job-- well a contract position doing my old Dell job anyway- yet again. I've been called about 6 times for contract jobs in my old department and I've never gotten an interview. Makes me wonder-- are there others out there that are actually more qualified than me to do the job I used to do? I shall ponder this...

Here Comes The Rain Again...

2008-08-01T11:13:00.002-05:00

I'm worried I may be getting sick again. It hasn't happened in so long I think I was half convinced it had gone away. Amazing how feeling good can make you forget how utterly crappy you feel when you don't anymore.

Anyway, I've noticed I haven't been sleeping as well and I caught some kind of respiratory infection that I'm clearing up with antibiotics. Although that part feels better, I'm starting to get the little signs and symptoms that say trouble is coming. This is usually a time when flares come on. Right after an illness that leaves you vulnerable. One of the first things that happens when a Fibro-flare (as I affectionately call them) is coming is that my muscles start to randomly jump and twitch. Some people experience it on their eyelid on occasion but people with FMS have it everywhere. Especially our arms and legs. A couple days ago my thigh muscles started twitching and I think "Oh crap- not now". Like there is ever a good time to get sick with this stuff.

Anyway, I have noticed I don't have as much energy lately and a lot of activities seem like too much effort. Today I started feeling the 'drunk' feeling I hate. It is a mild dizziness that feels like I've had about 2 drinks. It can sometimes cause me to 'list' a bit when I walk and it throws off my perception slightly, like wearing someone else's eyeglasses. Things look... just not quite right- especially when I'm in the open walking. It can be rather frightening but lately it just feels familiarly annoying. A few years ago before I was diagnosed I went to an Ear Nose and Throat specialist and they did the most unpleasant battery of tests... The worst involved forcing first warm and then cold water into my eardrum until the room started spinning like the worst drunk you can imagine. Then while that torture is going on, the assistant-demon asks you math questions. WTF? At one point mid-torture I just whined and said "I don't know- leave me alone." It took forever for my equilibrium to come back post torture-test. You are told not to eat before the test because most people do throw up if they have anything in their stomachs. Charming.

So, I don't know if I am heading for a full-blown flare, or how long it would last if so, but I need to be aware of this and start doing better self-care for a while. Clean up my diet, get better sleep, up the supplements, mild exercise, probably some meditation would help.

Expect I may withdraw from all but essential social functions until I get a handle on this. I don't make good company when it is going on anyway. Wish me luck in vanquishing this quickly so I can rejoin the humans soon.

The Gay Bomb

2008-07-30T09:25:00.001-05:00

Yeah, had to throw another vid of my fave TV hottie in here. I think it is funny how MSNBC tarts up Rachel to look more girly when she goes on their show. This is one of my fave clips. Rachel Maddow is indeed the ultimate 'gay bomb'.

My TV Crush

2008-07-25T14:33:00.002-05:00

So I've developed a crush on a TV/Radio personality named Rachel Maddow. I always thought she was moderately appealing but the more I learn about her the more hot she becomes in my eyes. Hmm- sounds like a certain person I'm dating. OK, pay no attention to the fact that she looks just a little bit like someone I'm dating also. Yeah, ignore that. She's hella-funny, freakishly smart and is a Rhodes Scholar. Mmmm, yummy.

Why Am I Single?

2008-07-25T11:24:00.002-05:00

Someone close to me asked me this yesterday so I decided to really think about it. Below is what I concluded:

Yeah, why is that?

Many of my friends tell me I'm the catch of the century. That's debatable but I guess when it comes to actual reasons I'll cover what I mentioned today.

1) I'm picky. Surprisingingly enough, I have very high standards for someone I would consider for a long-term relationship. I do have a bit of a list of my ideals. Wanna see?
Intelligent
Spiritual
Kind
Funny
Considerate (which also includes smelling good and having good etiquette and manners)
Good to the earth
Self-sufficient
Good to their friends, and to animals
Self-confident
Not a doormat, but not a control freak either
Non-smoker, non drug user, non-heavy drinker
Sex positive
Reader
Optimistic
Employed with stability (also includes their own place to live and a car)
No major unresolved trauma or diagnosable mental illness or psychotropics

Doesn't sound like that difficult a list but it is damn near impossible to find all those things.

2) I'm weird. Most people just don't 'get' me. I have a weird communication style and most people I meet think I'm not very interesting. I've never been great at small talk. I live in my head a lot. I'm bookish, political, spiritual, geeky and easily distracted by shiny objects. After all, I'm an angel that lost a bet. I don't really fit in with many people. I don't think of these qualities as undesirable, just sometimes lost on the general population- at least of this era.

So, long story short I may be picky, but a lot of picky people don't pick me.

3) I'm pretty cynical. I've been hurt- more than once- and I don't trust people. I trust myself but really no one else. It is much easier to connect for a while with a random woman here or there and if I don't have expectations, I don't worry about being disappointed. I still have needs for connection and sex, but I have trained myself to not have an expectation that anything will last. I just try to completely connect in the moment and I'm sure the future will take care of itself. I know I'll always have friends in my life anyway.

Dancing With M Darcy

2008-07-21T10:16:00.005-05:00

Elizabeth Bennet: Did I just agree to dance with Mr. Darcy?
Charlotte Lucas: I dare say you will find him amiable.
Elizabeth Bennet: It would be most inconvenient since I have sworn to loathe him for all eternity.

****

Indeed.
A truly unexpected evolution.
I did- not that many months ago- consider this person an unmitigated ass.
What happened to that deplorable personage, and what immortal hand or eye created the one I now gaze upon with sweetness?
Surely it is not the same person. Surely I am not the same myself.
Well, throw me down in that briar patch. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Arugula's Return

2008-07-13T11:04:00.002-05:00

I never got it all out of my garden. I just couldn't. Sure, with enough effort I COULD have, but I never really wanted that. It was indeed powerful, precious and undeniable. It may only be here for a season but I've decided to stop trying to pull it up by the roots and just let it be.

Now about this arugula. It's beautiful, smells good and is incredibly satisfying. I'm actually glad it is both an aquired taste and that not everyone embraces it or sees its amazing qualities. I guess I always did have a taste for the exotic. I'm looking forward to having it again soon- and often.

I don't want to be a grownup anymore...

2008-06-28T08:16:00.003-05:00

I have rats. Well, my backyard has rats anyway. I've known there were a few running around the back fence and that didn't really bother me until they decided my laundry room was cool digs. The idea that I could go in with a basket of laundry and hear scuttling behind my dryer was revolting. I had to do something. My options are somewhat limited. I was afraid of using poison since my dog might get hold of a sick or dead rat. Then I discovered my dog is the polar opposite of a ratter. I once tried to get her to 'finish off' an injured rat caught in a trap and instead she ever-so-gently picked up the rat from the concrete and put it on the soft grass in the yard, obviously showing pity for its plight. Great. So I had to whack the mortally wounded rat to finish the job. Ick.

So I decided to go with a trap. I've caught 3 so far and times like this really make me appreciate the woman my grandmother was. When I lived with her in college we discerned there was a rat living on the back porch. MY room was the closest to the back porch so I was freaked. At one point said rat got into the house proper and my grandmother chased it with the handle of a plunger. She managed to chase the rat into the bathroom where she proceeded to whack at it mercilessly until said terrified rat pounced from surfaced to surface, finally jumping into the toilet and swimming down the drain to a merciful drowning, which was much preferred to the manic granny with a stick. I- at the time this unfolded- was curled up in a fetal position on my bed with the doors closed, whimpering like a little girl.

Well dammit, I may never have the nerves of steel of my grandmother but I have been forced to be a grownup and lure rats to their demise. I bait my medieval contraption with peanut butter, gently set the mechanism of death and retire for the evening. The next morning I peek out the back door and more often than not, am greeted by another victim. I haven't found a good disposal option so I am burying them in various spots around the front yard.

At this moment I am far from hungry for breakfast and feel like Tony Soprano with various graves and body locations stored in my head. I send out a psychic message to rats in my perimeter. Stay away. Don't make me kill again. Your deaths erode my soul.

Payoff

2008-06-27T08:11:00.006-05:00

Ye-ha and all good things! I got a job offer yesterday! I got a call from a placement company for a job as a Tech Writer/ Project Manager for the Texas Department of Health. It's not a perm gig, just a few months most likely, but good enough for government work- literally.

A few more details-

I think the pay is $26 an hour. Less than Dell but since I won't be having a lot of withholdings I will probably have an even bigger take-home pay.

It is rediculously close to my house. At 45th and Lamar. I can easily bike to work and that is my plan. I've gotten addicted to the changes in my body from my work with Beth so I want to keep the good stuff going.

I was starting to worry I would have to go back to tech support. This job does draw on my background in that. They wanted someone to document training for Citrix and other applications so the geeky side is helping the nerdy one.

Thanks to everyone who bought me dinners, drinks, had me over, etc. when I had no money (or at least thought I didn't). I owe many folks a night on the town so I'll be making that happen soon.

First things first though. Saturday night I have a date with a time traveler. We'll see where I end up. At the moment I'm really liking the here and now.

Now

2008-06-22T17:45:00.003-05:00

Every day I grow stronger.
I'm pushing myself because it is currently how I survive.
I've adapted well.
I see the space transform from 1970s retro to clean and modern.
I get compliments and approval from one who thickened my skin years ago and taught me never to expect it.
It's been years since my work has been physical.
My first jobs were always the hardest on my body.
Peach picking, scrubbing floors, pulling machinery out of an oven and testing for leaks...
I miss my body from those days.
It is welcome to see it returning.
To see the definition in my arms and shoulders.
The rope-like muscle popping out at my neck.
It is nice to go to bed tired from the day. I even like the pain a bit...

Emotionally this has been a lifesaver. A couple more weeks and depression would have set in. Depression I can't treat because of my chemical imbalance.
The exercise and distraction are doing wonders.

Now if someone would meet me at the door and lick off all this salty sweat...

1 Down, 1 To Go

2008-06-07T17:59:00.004-05:00

Yeah, better.

I met a girl.

She zeroed in on me at speed dating and I although didn't initially think it was the best idea (she's young), I went ahead and asked her out.

She's pretty rockin. I think our biggest challenge will be trying not to out-nice each other. We both tend to be caretakers and enablers in relationships so I don't know the outcome when two of those types start to date.

Anyway, she's pretty awesome from what I can tell so far. She's well read, smart, big vocabulary... Oh, were you asking about her or me? Yeah, same applies. She seems to really care about me- like my comfort and happiness. Cooks for me, brings me tea, gives me backrubs... yeah, good stuff. Oh, and did I happen to mention- Hottie McHotterson? Yeah, body that won't quit. Cutest butt ever! Looks drop dead gee-orgious in evening wear. A model and a cook. Who did I bribe upstairs for that?

I have no ideas on the future but things are going well so far and I try to remind myself to live in the moment and stop trying to kill off the good feelings with worry about what will happen down the line. At this point I can tell you I've got a steady. Hopefully it will stay steady as she goes.

Oh, as for the job stuff. Bleah. I've pretty much decided there are a LOT of unemployed tech writers out there. They must also be more experienced than me since I'm applying for lots of jobs and getting next to 0 interviews. I finally gave up and sent in my rez for a couple tech support jobs. Now THAT makes the phone ring. Damn, with the way this is going I'll end up back in PC and network support at half my old salary. Double-bleah. Think good thoughts. I really don't want to go backward.

No Job, No Girl, At Least I Have My Health!

2008-05-22T08:35:00.002-05:00

So...

Yeah, no luck lately in the amor department. I think the hottie European seems to have cooled and it was probably a bad idea anyway. Not writing her off entirely but unless she decides to free herself from what is looking more and more like a pretty serious connection to another person I think I'm done. It was great for my ego though.

I finished my last day at the temp job yesterday so I am officially unemployed- again. I have sent out my resume to myriad places but still don't have a really firm lead. I was thinking I was going to get this really sweet job with Apple but they never called me back. I wish I could at least hear "No" so I could give up and move on.

Wow, my love life and job life are remarkably parallel right now. Both are up in the air, big teases and giving no idication how they will turn out. I always land on my feet but not knowing how or when gives me a stomachache.

Keep tuning in- your guess is as good as mine on what will happen next. Maybe considering I'll be hosting about 40 or more single lesbians on Saturday night for Speed Dating I could be whistling a different tune this time next week...

Transition

2008-05-08T21:38:00.002-05:00

Seems there have been many transitions in my life this year. I guess I started it all when I broke my engagement and cut myself loose from a life I thought I wanted. Ever since, it has been non-stop... well, chaos really.

I wanted to say thank you to someone out there. Don't know if she will read this but that is never really what this is about anyway. But if she does... thanks M Darcy. Through very little effort of your own you pushed my ideas and ideals of gender and attraction and goaded me out of my comfy little box. It's nice to know theoretically I can appreciate such a wide range of gender expression, even if just for a little while. I hope you find what you want out there. Have a wonderful time looking either way.

So after stretching and testing the shape of the world from outside my box I have smacked headlong into an amazing woman who, by the way, fits quite neatly into my original realm of attraction. K is stunningly beautiful. Long red hair, killer smile, slender with these muscles that just pop outta nowhere. She is girly with this slight andro edge I mistook originally for her being European. No, not in that "Lesbian or German Lady Tourist" kind of way, but just a 'quality', if you will. She's Slovakian, Master's in English, speaks 4 languages- a word nerd's dream. I immediately put her in the 'crush-worthy but verboten' straight girl category but I may have been wrong. She kinda had to smack me over the head to make me realize that yes, I was very wrong. Taking things slow- and of course this is MY life, so nothing is uncomplicated so we'll see... Please Santa--I've been such a good boi all year...

Weeds

2008-04-20T23:07:00.002-05:00

I thought I'd go back to the 'garden as metaphor for life and love again'. It's a favorite topic of mine.

I had to break down and weed my garden this weekend. Not that weeding is that uncommon but I had to pull massive amounts of Arugula, which is a fancy and expensive thing. Arugula is unique and interesting but it took over. It choked out my other lettuce and caused my cauliflower to never come up. It was so impressive, sitting there like a lush lawn, that I hesitated to remove it. I knew I couldn't use that much of it myself but I thought something so valuable could be of use to others. I put out the call and got almost no takers. I decided to ignore it and let it grow. Welcome it into my space. Allow it to flourish. Ultimately a bad idea. It began to take over to such a big extent that there was no room for anything else.

Thing is, you can't blame the plant. It only wants to grow and live. It was my fault. I should have stepped in earlier and I could have saved my garden for things I loved more. Ultimately I stared at my Arugula-filled space and knew I had to do it. I gingerly stepped over the fence and began to pull. With each handful I thought to myself- "You are valuable and precious but you cannot stay. I have to make room for other things."

In the end it was painful to see all the waste but I now have a fresh row of mixed squash planted and my tomatoes now have room to grow. I still look at the drying clumps of sharp-smelling delicacy with some amount of regret, but I know I did the right thing.

I will say this though. I bless this gift from God for coming into my life. There is probably enough seed for it to come back, but I will have to establish something else in the space first, then I'll consider its return.

One last thought. I have learned to think of love and attraction in this way when it doesn't work out: Enjoy the feast. Don't curse the bounty when it is gone and you again find yourself hungry.

Life Update

2008-04-20T22:52:00.005-05:00

It's been a month like... well, I was about to say 'none other' but these things do tend to happen to me. More often than I would like.

I lost my job a couple weeks ago. Laid off from the Great and Powerful Dell. Funny thing is, I didn't get that upset. Never even shed a tear about it, although I almost choked up a little when my ex asked me what I needed. She can be rather sweet when I least expect it. Probably some sort of hidden superpower. Anyway, I think with all the prior layoffs and the feeling that my job was kind of nebulous, I was almost a little relieved. I also couldn't take it that personally. I know it didn't have to do with performance, or even whether they liked me. I was pretty well liked and my performance was above average. Someone on high just decided they could survive without a peripherals content developer.

So, for a few weeks I'm working a weird temp job I typically pick up between major jobs. It's grading essay exams for standardized tests. I'm grading Ohio right now and I have to say, if these kids are going to be controlling the economy when I am getting Social Security- bury your money in the backyard right now. Oh, and convert it to gold. There's hard times ahead.

I'm sure I won't be out of work terribly long but the unknown aspect of it has me living on a shoestring budget and kind of making a game of it. "How little can I live on?" "Can I go 3 days without spending a single bit of money?" Kind of puts a damper on my social life but who wants an unemployed date anyway? Guess I'll lay low for a while.

I'll update when I get a job. I have a lead on a long-term contract position at Apple but I don't know when I will interview. It would be a sweet job if it comes through. 10K more than I was making at Dell and (from what I hear) a much better environment. Send good energy out for me. This could the thing I seek.

Art for Art's Sake

2008-03-27T23:08:00.004-05:00

I don't often find myself in the position of having no idea what I will do next. I however seem to have stumbled into it lately. I like my life and the excitement that is around every turn in the past few weeks. I like not knowing who will call or who I will spend time with next. I figure my time for this kind of folly is limited so if someone calls with an unusual invitation you only live once, right?

So along with this non-stop fun is a quandary. Someone who stepped into my path and doesn't fit my pattern. Doesn't fit a pattern I recognize and is unlike anyone I have met in years. While she gives me less time than it takes to gulp a glass of wine to recover she seems to pop up in my path as the sane and logical as opposed to the train wrecks and bait and switch types that have appeared on my horizon as of late.

This one challenges my ideas of gender roles, attraction and even what draws me to certain women at all. I feel as though I have been plucked up out of my comfort zone and dropped into another place altogether. This is a place of Picasso or Dali when I was browsing through Da Vinci.

It is not an unpleasant space. It is actually quite beautiful. But who knows if I can get over myself enough to accept it or if I will chase off the opportunity and follow some winding and impossible path of convention played out in unconventional terms. The one thing it is forcing me to learn is- it's all art; and it all makes life worth living.

Thank you.

Death and Destruction

2008-03-12T13:09:00.003-05:00

Truly there are things in this world that test our faith. The fact that religious leaders cannot tell us any more than anyone else why there is senseless death, disease and tragedy in this world does not comfort us. It tends to upset most of all the somewhat faithful, that see blind faith as belonging to their parents, but somehow missing the big picture for themselves.

I met an atheist recently. We were out on a date and she told me she doesn't believe in God. I found this to be the biggest red flag of the evening. I can certainly understand being an educated person and- if you have no particular religious indoctrination- seeing faith as somewhat antiquated and superstitious. That said, I can't imagine being in a relationship with an atheist. Agnostic- sure. Pagan, Wiccan, Jew, fallen Catholic, Buddhist, whatever the flavor- but no belief in a higher power at all has me stumped. I think it would affect how I saw them.

Funny though, I probably had my biggest crises of faith when I was between the place of knowing nothing to knowing... well, a bit more than nothing where I am now. I renewed my faith when I started to see the nature of God as loving energy that set us in motion. We are far too small to control like puppets so I don't think that is God's purpose at all. Just as you won't (and in most cases- can't) control your children in certain decisions, you instead provide a framework and trust that even if they make the wrong decisions, they are learning- and the purpose of life is to learn.

I found out on Monday that a friend's sister committed suicide. I have no words for my friend to comfort her but I can tell you that this incident forced my roommate R to speak to me for the first time in 3 weeks. It also put a few petty grievances in perspective. I was telling someone the other day that we have a short lifespan for a reason. We have pain and tragedy for a reason too. I honestly believe that love would not exist if there was never a chance it could be lost. We appreciate things and pay attention because it is fleeting. How many of us remember more fondly the short-lived intense connections that broke our heart while not always fully giving thanks for the sweet person at our side day after day?

There are those out there that will always curse the rain and ignore the sunshine. Sometimes that person is me. Today I'm lucky.

The Dime Story

2008-02-15T19:44:00.004-06:00

I found a dime last night when I was horrid and cranky and awful to my sweet friend trying to cheer me up. The dime made my night which confused J, who had been trying all night to get me to smile the way I did when I found it. She was pretty irked until I told her the dime story and then she told me I needed to write it, so here goes...

Several years ago I was selling my old car. It was one I had bought from my aunt and uncle after my cousin (the former owner) died of AIDS. I was finally making enough money so I decided to buy a new car all on my own for the first time in my life. I arranged to have my old car picked up midday from my office and all I needed was to walk to the bus stop from work and take the bus downtown to the dealership for the new car.

When I started walking towards the stop I realized I only had a dollar bill and 40 cents in change in my pocket. Now the bus driver doesn't give change and I didn't want to use my whole dollar for a fifty cent fare so I sent a message to the universe (God). I told God I needed a dime. Just a dime, not much to ask for and certainly He could afford it. So, I set about the walk from the office to the stop, keeping my eyes peeled for the dime I had faith to find on the way. I stared at every shiny object, every crevice, every round flat bit of detritus, knowing I would find my dime before arriving at the stop.

So, what happened next? Well, the neatly packaged inspirational story would have me find my dime and my prayer would be answered, showing all that God rewards the faithful.

Well, no.

I didn't find the dime and had to give my whole dollar for the bus fare and I was none too pleased.

So, I had another convo with the big guy. "Geez, was it so much to ask? One dime? I ask so little of life, I mean really?"

Well, after that experience I now, consistently, regularly, at every turn, every opportunity, and especially every trying, low time in my life, find dimes. Everywhere. Parking lots, coin returns, on hikes, on sidewalks, every imaginable location.

So, is this some sort of universal joke? Yes. God has a great sense of humor. See, I may think I know when something is needed but God replies- "Not your schedule. Mine." Now as I find my regular gift of a dime, I grin a huge grin and know God and the angels are laughing with delight. And I am loved, not forgotten, and always looked after.

It's nice to have an inside joke with the creator.

Here's hoping you find your dimes.

Batting 1000

2008-02-14T23:47:00.002-06:00

So New Years sucked, and now Valentine's Day sucked. I think holidays are just out to get me this year.

I don't know why I ventured out to the bar scene tonight. All I wanted was a quiet evening at home but no. Three women- all of which are dating people- still managed to schedule band practice in my house, which forced me out into the night in a foul mood. Janet tried her best to pull me out but I was having none of it. I was cranky, negative, lethargic and dark. Adding to the irony was hearing her say some of the same things I said to H last night- to me tonight. "You just don't know what's out there waiting for you." Yeah, well it's not waiting at The CockPit or Rainbow Cattle Company. I absolutely hate going to bars when I'm in a dark mood. I tend to find myself in RCC surveying the crowd and thinking, "This is my dating pool. Kill me now."

Nothing to worry about, my small but loyal group of readers. I'm sure this is the tail end of some sort of hormonal swing and I'll be back to my chipper self in no time. But of course when I'm happy I don't feel compelled to write so look for me again when the darkness is nigh.