Crappy New Year!

I am honestly wondering how so much drama can cram itself into the past few weeks. Not all of it has been bad, mind you- but enough to be exhausting. I'm honestly looking back with a bit of nostalgia at a month or so ago when I was shut down emotionally.

Strike one: Meeting that woman I refer to as 'the cool girl'. Not all of that was bad and it did show me I could get cranked up over someone, which hadn't happened in a while. Man it was a drama-fest though. I got put into and out of the 'friend' box so much it might take a while for me to assume normal shape. How did it all end? With a big case of blue box for me and her trotting off to see if she can make it work with M, the small spiky one. The funny part? It couldn't have happened at a better time. More about that in Strike three...

Strike two: I find out my ex is dating someone. Well, actually she corrected me when I said 'dating'. I think the acurate term is 'fucking'. Honestly it is kind of a relief since I felt a certain amount of guilt that I broke up with her and changed her expectations for the future. Problem is, it is someone I know which pulls in just a little oog factor for me. I dealt with that pretty well but the real drama part was that MANY people in my social circle knew about it and were keeping the information from me. It made it into far more than it really is and made me feel foolish and disrespected. I hate feeling like the last person to know something and that I'm being talked 'about' as opposed to 'to'. The last ironic thing about this whole thing is that I actually had 2 dates years ago with the woman K is 'seeing'. She's the woman I describe as 'the chick that bit my face', which pretty much insured I would not be having a 3rd date with her. I also rather insensitively at the time (way back when) armchair diagnosed her as borderline. I was wrong. She's actually bi-polar. Oh well, I hope this whole mess doesn't mean I won't get to see G anymore.

Strike 3- or a home run?: I heard from an old love a few days ago. It shook me to my foundations considering she has never really left my thoughts, even when I tried to create a life without her. Hearing from her made it very easy to counter 'cool girl's' vacillations about M and for me to tell her "go for it. I know what it is like to feel like you are not done with someone. It may be illogical but you have to follow that thing to the end. Otherwise you will be left wondering and every connection you have after them will be haunted by their ghost." Well, if you read my blog carefully a few posts back I will tell you that the 'Ghost of Christmas yet to come' has contacted me. I have no idea if I can resolve things with her or if she will ever want to see me again but I pretty much put everything out there to her in a letter and I hope she will at least consider it. I'm certainly ready to aquaint myself with a woman that in some ways I have never met before. The chem-free and sober C that would be replacing the one from the 4th demension. I know a lot of people would advise me not to move on this. But as I told H recently: If you make that kind of soul connection with someone, no matter how implausible, sometimes you just have to see where it will take you. So this is me waiting, clearing my slate and embracing the unknown. It's freaking terrifying- but I've never felt so alive.