A Legacy of Passion

I was thinking of my nephew today. He is 16. Nothing is more intense and huge and important as when you are 16. He fell for a girl about a year ago. It was a long-distance thing. I have no idea how far it went but he was certainly smitten. Just as randomly as it began, she dropped him. He really has not been the same since. He told me he has no interest in dating now because he doesn't want to get hurt like that again.

Yeah, welcome to the Edwards legacy of lovers who experience great loss.

My brother nearly committed suicide over love. His great love dropped him and he came unhinged. My mom and I had to fight him down as he tried to take the gun out of my dresser and go looking for the guy this girl dropped him for. A year or so later he admitted he sneaked the gun again and locked himself in his room with it, determined he did not want to live. The only thing that stopped him was knowing the horror that would await his family once that door was opened.

My father of course also loves in a big way, but he seems to aim a bit lower than his progeny. He just chooses desperate cafe waitresses and women with low self-esteem that seem to never go away (even though I would really like it if they did).

And then there is me. I join the ranks of the Edwards 'men who love too much' by being a butch lesbian. BTW-- The women in my family-- much more pragmatic.

For me, I love fully, fearlessly. Some would say recklessly.

Yeah, maybe, but I know what moves me.

I fall for intelligence, intensity, and unfortunately, brooding types. Are you distant? Driven? Slightly surly? Mmm, yummy.

Unfortunately, this type does not readily express kindness. In turn I am not treasured, adored or seen as fully the absolute gift that I am to this person. Does that sound narcissitic? Calling myself a gift? Well, honestly I am. For the woman lucky enough to recognize it I am a wish fulfilled. For the right one I am steadfast, kind, challenging, supportive and true. I am also capable of a passion and devotion to which others cannot fathom. That lucky person will have my heart and will deserve it. Obviously though, I'm not currently doing enough to draw the right person to me. I believe in sending out energy of intention into the universe so this post is a step. I do firmly believe when I open the path to myself wide enough, the right person will walk through. Until then, I still have some lessons to learn.