When the Belly is Empty, the Soul Takes Over

I've been suffering with some sort of stomach bug since Wednesday night. It has put a kink into my workout routine since, void of the energy producing yummy stuff that usually runs through my system, my muscles are not feeling much like pumping iron and seem to jeer at me when I do anything more strenuous than browsing the internet.

I think the illness is affecting my sleep, which usually kicks off strange dreams. Last night I dreamt of an old lover. She wasn't in my space in a romantic way, but at one point I unconsciously reached for her hand under a table where we were sitting and she warmly grasped it. It was a comforting feeling and I realised when I awoke that is a level of intimacy I miss. The feeling of human connection that you don't have to explain. It doesn't have to mean you want to possess them. It doesn't mean you want them as a lover. It just is what it is. I do that with my friends sometimes. I love how when I walk with my friend C she puts her arm through mine and leans against my shoulder as we walk. I love how I can absentmindedly squeeze her hand while we are driving somewhere and she never thinks I am making a pass. I also love how my friend D can come and lounge all over me like a sleepy greyhound and it just feels comfortable and good. In a lot of ways I think I have the best of all possible worlds. I have intimate friendships, and when I really desire it- a lover. I told my NSA partner 'A' yesterday- "I think you are the most stable partner I've had in years".

I guess certain levels of intimacy just cause all those waters to get muddied. I've kept it clean with A- and we are great together. Naughty text messages, dirty Scrabble games on Facebook- and I tell her when drama crops up in my life- and when I have successfully squelched it out again. She says all the right things of course, but never requires anything of me other than my attention when I visit her every couple of months. And the occasional really creative dirty Scrabble word.

Anyway, I did some kundalini yoga chanting in church this morning. Yeah- LOVE my church. It helped me to center and focus on what I need for myself right now. I sent a prayer out to myself. Then sent one to persons in my life I care about- especially those who need healing and protection right now- and then sent one to the universe.

I think what I re-learned for myself is what my ex-wife used to tell me about people in my dreams. She said the people in your dreams are not really who they are in real life, but are instead aspects of the dreamer. So all the good and desirable qualities of the old loves or admired friends or treasured gurus are actually all within ourselves. We just need to celebrate them in ourselves as much as we do when we recognize them in others.

It is nice to feel a place of emotional and spiritual clarity. It would have been nice to get here without the complications of the stomach flu.