Trust

As animals, we humans learn from both positive and negative experiences. We learn more from negative, like 'don't pick up that hot thing' or 'don't touch that hissing kitty'. Pain ingrains experience in us the way nothing else can.

Knowing this, how can we expect that negative romantic experiences will not teach us that trusting- loving- depending on someone outside ourselves is not dangerous and foolish?

I certainly feel I have learned that lesson. I have had 2 major relationships that were long-lasting and geared toward a lifetime together. [I of course have had many others that were at least entered into with the best of intentions but for the purpose of this story I'm focusing on the most important ones here] Two major relationships in my life have spoken of a life together and created a vision of crotchety old ladies in rocking chairs on porches somewhere. The first never involved a marriage, but we were very compatible and it felt like we were in it for the long haul. Certainly it felt like a real possibility that this could be the last romantic connection of my life. We worked well together, got along well, pushed each other in positive ways, matched each other in intelligence... then it ended. Ended with her trotting off to live in another country with a traveler she met. I don't think I have felt a pain that intense since. I went beyond losing a partner. I lost any idea of structure in my life and it felt like gravity itself had been yanked out from under me. I'd never lived on my own, and had long since forgotten how to date and be single. I was totally disoriented. After losing 20 pounds on the tragedy diet plan and wandering in a stupor barely knowing how to function I found myself. I found a sexuality I had repressed, a circle of friends with which I could truly connect and most of all, I found that I was much more capable than I ever knew myself to be. Without knowing it, my partnership had hobbled me. I wasn't living to my full potential and within 6 months I was toasting my ex saying "Here's to N. Thank God you left me!"

After some time of delightful dating and amazing romances I met my future wife. We connected instantly and within weeks we were in love. Still stinging from my negative experiences with long-term commitment, my wife made special efforts to convince me she was sincere and dedicated and wanted a lifetime commitment. I was skeptical and not very trusting but she kept saying words like 'forever' and 'lifetime' and 'promise' and 'faith'. Eventually I believed her. We made plans to get married. I knew I could commit for life and set up a picture in my head of the rest of my life. For a few years it went well. Then my wife met my old college friend. Then bad things happened. Many bad things. Ultimately I was alone again.

I have continued to date and have had varying degrees of success- even fell in love a couple more times, but I know I can't count on anyone to complete the crotchety old ladies on the porch picture for me. My faith is broken and I can only depend on myself. Luckily, the porch with just me on it doesn't frighten me like it once may have. And I'll leave an extra chair out for anyone who might want to stop by and sit a spell.