Home. There and Here.

I've been traveling for my contract job for the past month. Home a bit but also in lots of medium-sized Texas towns. I had an ex that said she used to love that feeling of waking up and not being sure where she was for just a moment. I find that feeling disturbing and couldn't imagine enjoying it. In the past few weeks I have awoken in Waco, College Station, my parents house, a few cars- pretty much everywhere but my own bed.

Being around my parents was rejuvinating. My mom treated me like royalty- making all my favorite foods, clearing my dishes, making my favorite pie- even making my bed if I didn't beat her to it! We didn't talk about my love life but I defintely benefitted from the special treatment and TLC. It was great for my self-esteem to bathe in unconditional love and a strange sort of popularity I seem to have when I visit. My name is called so much when I am there I wonder what they do when I am not around to fuss over.

The travel has been a bit of a balm for my loneliness. Yes, I still miss her very much but have to keep telling myself it is for the best. Sometimes it feels like convincing myself it was better to leave a mangled body part and walk away not intact- but alive. I am alive but I miss the part I severed when I stumbled away with what I had left. I tell myself I should date again but I don't think I'm ready. I know I'm going to be hellishly picky and that in itself is depressing...

Now on to good news. I start a new permanent job on Monday the 6th. I was offered a job with the state Health Department as support for software issues related to the WIC program. The salary is good and of course the benefits are amazing so I'm thrilled my 6 month sojourn is coming to a close.

In other good news I'm set to watch the VP debate tonight. I'm actually allowing myself the tiniest of hopes that the Dems might get back into the White House this year. After 8 wretched years I still can barely whisper the idea out loud but things are looking promising. Of course I won't truly be able to breathe freely until November 5th.

Speaking of the election I got into an actual screaming match with my brother over politics while I was visiting my family last week. He actually believes a bizarre scenario in which Obama will be elected, then killed, sparking race riots that will threaten all white people. He also spouted off about my black friends turning on me if anything like this comes to pass. I find it almost impossible I grew up in the same environment as this man. I think I know why I am gay. Because if something in my own life had not forced me to look at the world differently I might have turned out like him. If I have never said it before I'll say it now: Thank you G-d for making me gay!

Again I return to a path I know well. The unlighted, unknown trail of infinite possibility to which no outcome is known. Like those first confusing moments of conciousness wondering where I am- I am disoriented, somewhat fearful, but starting the new day.