Thursday, May 14, 2009

Random Thoughts

Now that I find myself in a sweet, drama-free relationship and things are going well I find myself wondering how I could have gone through all the insanity and chaos of the past few years. I know there was a time when I was not quite 'seasoned' enough in the cosmic stew-pot and some time in therapy definitely helped with that. My old pattern of attracting 'Damsels in Distress' and making their lives way too comfortable has been vanquished and I certainly don't miss that dynamic.

There is still a bit of a fear that comes from a deep and historically disappointed place inside. Because of a spate of short-lived flings where I lost my heart and the person vanished soon thereafter I sometimes worry that emotions for me are top-loaded. I have a fleeting worry that I represent the romantic equivalent of 'Achy-Breaky Heart'. Catchy at first and immediately enjoyable but a couple of months later you pretend you never heard of it and certainly never enjoyed it. I've definitely been the object of the inexplicable breakup on a few occasions.

See, I am good at inspiring initial crushes. Women do not seem to have a problem falling for me quickly. I just sometimes wonder what causes the disconnect down the line. I worry a bit that maybe I am missing an inner depth that holds the attention long-term.

Or, maybe I just dated a lot of screwed-up women.

Since K is probably the most emotionally healthy and stable person I've met in ages I'll go with the latter theory. I know the strange assortment of bi-polar, borderline and narcissistic objects of my affection were in no shape for a mature and sincere emotional connection. And of course not everyone is going to emotionally connect with you just because you connect with them. That doesn't make them a nut, just law of averages.

It took a while but I finally feel that I've gotten it right. I may be a little jumpy for a while but slowly I may be able to really trust and connect for the long haul. I have a wonderful inspiration for that now.


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