You are a strange little critter, aren't you?

You read my blog regularly and get mad if I visit yours. As hostile as you are, I have no idea why I care about your well-being. I do though. Sorry if that distresses or angers you. I assume you care about mine, or maybe you just want to see if someday I talk about you.

Well, this is as close as you will get.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I let you push me away after I committed in my own heart to be a support for you. See, unconditional love didn't work on you. It seemed to only make you worse. I seemed to enable you so hopefully removing the support allowed you to land in a better place.

I do wish you well. Its just obvious I have to wish it from afar.

I Used To Be Crazy.

I wrote this to a friend recently who was having some problems with anxiety and I figured others might be having the problem too so I would pass this on:

Ok, I don't know if we have talked about this before but I used to have anxiety big time. Big time like can't get out of bed, intense fear of everything, especially death, horrible life shrinking constant dread. Yeah, that. So, I've been there. It's hellish, it sucked and it robbed me of my joy. I'm now cured. Wanna be too? Here's the answer: http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/homepage/group/telchlab/home.htm.
These folks do a therapy treatment for anxiety and panic attacks that has an amazing success rate. I recently referred a co-worker and she's on her way to being cured too. Wanna know more good stuff? It's free. Its free because it is the graduate study program at UT and they are training students how to use this technique in their future practices.
See, anxiety and panic are learned reactions to chemicals released in our systems. It is considered a behavioral disorder. Not crazy town. The more it happens, the more it will. Mine used to be much worse during allergy season because I mouth-breathed (stuffy nose) and that brings on more panic because we (the royal we) hyperventilate very easily mouth-breathing. The study is 3-fold. They educate the hell out of you about anxiety and panic, convince you all your symptoms are REALLY anxiety. No- really. REALLY. Then they break down individual yucky symptoms and have found very creative ways to bring them on one at a time. They then desensitize you to these symptoms by flooding you and forcing you to bring them on over and over until they no longer bother you. Then they teach you how to breathe again. This is probably the most important part.
Anyway, when I used to have anxiety my biggest questions was 'why me?' I think my answer is- to help others that also have it. Contact me if you wanna talk more. Get mad at being robbed and do this.

I'm Suddenly In A Movie

OK, my life has taken some strange turns lately. I'm single again- kind of. After Thanksgiving C and I agreed to be monogomous and try to have a real relationship. Shortly thereafter (within a couple weeks) circumstances convened and said "No way." Thats a long story but ultimately it was no one's fault and hopefully we can be friends in the long run.

I have noticed something about my life though. I have a pattern. I fall for a specific 'type' and the type seems to include a certain amount of unattainability. I heard there was some sort of study that showed that people's future choices for partners were based on the success of their first relationship. Since my first relationships were all about unrequited crushes and the unattainable, it seems those are the ones I find most desirable. That is seriously fucked up. Nice to figure it out. My only challenge now is how do I fall in love with someone who doesn't fit into my pattern?

Oh, my movie: Jerry McGuire. Right now there is someone out there I could have at "Hello". Do I have the staying power for that when they don't fit my pattern? Well, my mama likes them and that's half the battle...

Thanks for listening,

Sparks