My Resolution

I've decided to give myself some time. Things are challenging for me right now and it seems when I have attempted to pull myself up by my bootstraps it doesn't work- and worse, it may ultimately hurt others.

My plan is to give myself until April to straighten out my head. Well, more specifically, my heart. I'm a walking disaster and have been for a while and no one needs to be subjected to that.

I'm not saying I am cutting myself off from possiblities, but I don't plan to 'put myself out there' for a while. If someone organically steps into my path and my heart melts a bit I will pursue that. Otherwise, I'm focusing on becoming more healthy- physically, mentally and spiritually- this winter.

So, call me up, unknown reader. I'll be available for movies, chilly winter walks, a cider at my local pub, time with nature and good friends. Otherwise, I'm hunkering down for a long winter, tending the fire beneath my ribs.

Better Than Therapy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUO0gd7cr9o

This vid is amazing and exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. Sara Bareilles, you write my heart. Thank you.

BTW, the song is from a CD of winter-oriented songs and sales benefit breast cancer research. I think it would be a very good investment.

The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of... Strippers?

Today is my birthday. Overall it was better than many I've had in the past. Usually most people are out of town for my birthday and planning a party is a pretty big disappointment. I know it shouldn't bother me- my whole life I've had to deal with everyone being out of school and out of town for my birthday but it really was a treat to gather a dozen or so of my friends for a swell party today.

I also have a thing about not wanting to plan parties for myself (at least not my birthday). Luckily my friend Janet offered to throw me a party and it really was the best I can remember. There was prime rib, potatoes with rosemary and this killer Gorgonzola cream sauce, asparagus, broccoli and made-from-scratch yeast rolls. There was also tons of Champagne for mimosas. Even the mimosa juices were more uptown than I typically see. They were these three yummy nectars of mango, passion fruit and apricot. Needless to say most attending got delightfully buzzed and my disparate group of friends got on swimmingly. Everyone got together to toast me and sing Happy Birthday, which embarrassed me to no end. Strangely enough, for as social as I am I absolutely hate when the attention of more than a couple of people is trained on me at once. With 12 or so people made me want to crawl into a corner and disappear. I think in those moments I go inside my head and wait for it to be over, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. Anyway, beyond a few tense moments being the center of attention I had a fantastic time.

When the party ended my lovely hostess and a couple other party goers tried to convince me to go to a strip club with them. Now I have in the past been tempted by such things but today it held little appeal. I instead knew how I wanted to spend my evening. Tonight The Sound of Music was playing on TV. I completely love that movie. There are at least four places where it makes me cry and the whole thing is just enchanting. My roomie discovered I had it on and was thrilled. She told me stories of how she loved it as a kid and teen and how she had a huge crush on Julie Andrews in the movie. I can see her appeal: short hair, cute as a button, sings great, total romantic, confused nun... mmm, dreamy. Conversely I have on occasion pictured myself as Captain Von Trapp. How WOULD I solve a problem like Maria?

So, if turning a certain age today inspires me to choose The Sound of Music over the lure of the Lap Dance so be it. I think I'm OK right where I am.

Relationships in the Modern World

A pen pal on OKCupid asked me an interesting question today. She wanted to know my opinion on why it is that many relationships do not last very long.

Interesting question, and I have a few theories:

1) I think modern society is modeling for everyone that everything on earth is impermanent and disposable. There are very few things in this world that someone commits to keep for a lifetime. If you think of it, every possession, career, living space and household object will be changed and replaced- and most will agree- at a an alarmingly faster rate than in the past. I'm sure most of you remember the permanence of our parent's generation. People got a single home, started work for a stable company and bought well-thought out belongings that were meant to last a lifetime. I think the same mentality factors in when thinking of relationships. Most of us have the best of intentions but just have no model for what a lifetime commitment would look like. We job-hop, city-hop, throw away everything from our razors to our cameras, so what exactly is permanence?

2) Another factor that somewhat ties in to the theory above is the feeling that if you settle for one person, all those other gillions of options are done- and what if one of those was better? We are in a place of actually shopping for PEOPLE online! OKCupid, Yahoo Personals, Craigslist-- we look for people like buying a product and with the constant draw of 'next month's selection' how can anyone find a real connection and be content? Just living in a city with lots of things to do and attractive, interesting people everywhere can give anyone the 'grass is greener' syndrome. In past generations, especially in more rural societies most everyone found a partner at an early age, started having kids and Mr. Johnson's wife was no better than your own- and think of the scandal at your church if something out-of-line happened! So- more anonymity, less accountability, more temptation, less permanence.

3) Years ago the life-span of people was decidedly shorter, therefore 'forever' with a wife/husband may be 20 or 30 years less than it is now. It is pretty easy to commit when you will be dead at 45 anyway.

4) There is also the factor that since our generation has less parents that have been married all of OUR lives, we do not have as many people who actually have lifetime commitment MODELED for them. It is easier to think of ditching a partner if the people who raised you couldn't make it work either.

Who knows what will happen to the future of 'lifetime' commitment but I don't like the direction this is heading. I am one of the lucky 'old school' types that has parents that just celebrated 50 years of marriage. My father has worked for the same company since 1969 and I lived in the same house from 2nd grade until I left for college. I'm a dying breed, which is why I look at potential lovers and connections with such a jaundiced eye, but I was built for the long haul. Maybe someday I will find someone who was also.

I'm Dreaming of a (Surprisingly) White Christmas

I had friends over again last night to enjoy a bit of holiday cheer. My first gathering was so much fun I thought I'd do another.

This time my roomie and I made a really yummy dinner and after dessert we settled in to watch Holiday Inn. I knew almost nothing about the film except that it was the first time the song White Christmas was sung in a movie. I love old movies and was looking forward to watching it and sharing with my friends.

Well Holy racism batman! Movies like this really make me realize how much times have changed! First there is an stereotypical Aunt Jemima type character named Maimey, complete with two silent children and no visible father. As if that were not bad enough, one of the big scenes in the movie was a tribute number to Abe Lincoln done in blackface! Blackface! Bing Crosby and a ton of other white people with black makeup drawling in 'yes massa' type diction! Horrors! And- I kid you not- the Maimey character sang this line in the song:

When black folks lived in slavery
Who was it set the darkie free?
Abraham, Abraham

Wow. We were sitting there transfixed and horrified, periodically yelling out our shock and dismay. I now see why this is not a movie that is replayed on TV- and why I have never seen it before. I think in the future I will stick with White Christmas, which was made a bit later and does not include a blackface number. Oh, and there was pretty rampant sexism in the movie too, but it was definitely overshadowed by the racist stereotypes. I guess I am glad I saw the movie, if for nothing else than to understand how far we have come. Now I excitedly wait for Jan. 20th to see the inauguration of our first black president. I wouldn't mind seeing a big musical number based on that, but hold the blackface.

Collected Wisdom and Why I Love Austin

Saw this on the bathroom wall of Hole In the Wall last night:


"My Mother made me a lesbian"

Someone else wrote below:

"If I give her yarn will she make me one too?"



Saw this on an old Ford pickup parked next to me at Midas this morning:

I'm starting to really like my co-workers...

Random quote from my co-worker Mark (which is so much better when taken out of context)

"You just never expect a song about prostitutes leaving the farm to turn into a classic Christmas song, but there ya go."

As for the context, another co-worker was listening to hold music at a site and they were playing "Hard Candy Christmas" from "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas".

Let's add a few more quotes about the same subject:

Chris: 'What is the movie about anyway?'

Jimmy: 'It's about the UT vs. A&M football game.'

Steve: 'You know, I wasted 3 hours driving out there one time. I heard the song and thought- Hey, I wanna check this place out!'

Mark: 'Steve, the song was written in 1974- did you really think it was still around?'

A Legacy of Passion

I was thinking of my nephew today. He is 16. Nothing is more intense and huge and important as when you are 16. He fell for a girl about a year ago. It was a long-distance thing. I have no idea how far it went but he was certainly smitten. Just as randomly as it began, she dropped him. He really has not been the same since. He told me he has no interest in dating now because he doesn't want to get hurt like that again.

Yeah, welcome to the Edwards legacy of lovers who experience great loss.

My brother nearly committed suicide over love. His great love dropped him and he came unhinged. My mom and I had to fight him down as he tried to take the gun out of my dresser and go looking for the guy this girl dropped him for. A year or so later he admitted he sneaked the gun again and locked himself in his room with it, determined he did not want to live. The only thing that stopped him was knowing the horror that would await his family once that door was opened.

My father of course also loves in a big way, but he seems to aim a bit lower than his progeny. He just chooses desperate cafe waitresses and women with low self-esteem that seem to never go away (even though I would really like it if they did).

And then there is me. I join the ranks of the Edwards 'men who love too much' by being a butch lesbian. BTW-- The women in my family-- much more pragmatic.

For me, I love fully, fearlessly. Some would say recklessly.

Yeah, maybe, but I know what moves me.

I fall for intelligence, intensity, and unfortunately, brooding types. Are you distant? Driven? Slightly surly? Mmm, yummy.

Unfortunately, this type does not readily express kindness. In turn I am not treasured, adored or seen as fully the absolute gift that I am to this person. Does that sound narcissitic? Calling myself a gift? Well, honestly I am. For the woman lucky enough to recognize it I am a wish fulfilled. For the right one I am steadfast, kind, challenging, supportive and true. I am also capable of a passion and devotion to which others cannot fathom. That lucky person will have my heart and will deserve it. Obviously though, I'm not currently doing enough to draw the right person to me. I believe in sending out energy of intention into the universe so this post is a step. I do firmly believe when I open the path to myself wide enough, the right person will walk through. Until then, I still have some lessons to learn.

Cet obscur objet du désir

I had a holiday tree-decorating party on Sunday and invited a few close friends to create a new holiday tradition of friendship, goodwill and warmth. It was a great success. The gathering allowed some important people in my life to meet and it sparked an interesting conversation the next day.

I chatted the next day with Mr. Darcy and she mentioned that my ex, M, had a strange energy that makes her quite fascinating. I realized that others have felt that when they meet her but it was very gratifying to actually speak of it. I admitted that M was probably the closest I have ever felt to experiencing love at first sight. I met her at a dinner gathering for a couple of friends who were getting married. I remember arriving at the party and being hot, sweaty, and very hungry- to the point of feeling a hypoglycemic loopyness. My main objective was some sort of meat product on the grill and into my path steps M. She looked at me more directly and intensely than anyone I could remember. Looking back, I couldn't tell you anyone else in my environment past the point when she and I locked eyes. A couple days later I danced with her at the wedding and when I put my arm around her waist she leaned her head on my shoulder and I heard her breathe "Mmmm" into my ear.

I was hooked. She lived half a country away, she had a girlfriend and nothing about her life coincided with mine.

I didn't care.

Mr. Darcy said that although she felt something resembling this energy, she also felt her spirit guides touch her shoulder and guide her away.

It must be nice to have the universe look after you in that way.

Overall though, I think the experiences I have with my loves far outweigh the hard jolts when I hit the ground. I may not say that in the moments right after something blows up in my face but after a time and the opportunity for some perspective I know the truth. Loves that come into my life enhance me immeasurably. What would my life have been like without all those women who have broken my heart?

Decidedly empty.

When in my advanced age I look back at my life I believe I will feel very lucky to have experienced as much love as I have. I bless them all, and look forward to the opportunity to reach those heights again, even for just a little while.