Hike as Metaphor for Love

My first hike with the new lesbian hiking group- I affectionately call them the 'dyke-hikers' was last weekend. We went on something called the Hill of Life, which in the context of this story, was very appropriate. I started out walking fairly slowly because I wanted to keep an acquaintance company but she seemed to be having problems with the steep downhill rocky terrain and kept twisting her ankle. I realized quickly I had made a bad move by matching her pace because the major part of the group was pulling ahead of us. Finally, in a move kind of like the heartfelt and cheesy ending to a war movie, she bravely said- "Go on without me- I may not make it." I momentarily hesitated, then pushed on ahead, with only a twinge of guilt.

By the time I made it to the bottom of the hill I couldn't see my fellow hikers. I asked a biker if he had seen them and since he hadn't I knew they had gone the opposite way. I then cranked up my pace to high gear in an attempt to catch up. I hiked furiously, thinking any minute I'd see the group around the next rise, but nothing.

There were only a few spots where it was possible to see more than 10-15 yards ahead because of all the twists and turns in the path. I couldn't figure out how I had not caught up with them after about 20 minutes. Finally I slowed my pace and decided they were all hiking at breakneck speed and I should just concentrate on enjoying the hike on my own.

For the first time that day I really felt calm and enjoyed my environment. I saw the path around me- the soft dirt and spongy fallen leaves, twisted trees melded together in an achingly beautiful embrace, nandina, lantana, mountain laurel, oak and ash combined for a swirling cacophony of sight, sensation and smell. I was happy.

I kept moving along, taking in the sights and about 10 minutes later I heard someone call my name. From behind me.

The hiking group leader rushed up and said: "There you are! You must have been hiking at a blazing speed! We kept asking about you and several people saw you but we could never catch up!"

They had gone off a side-trail for a moment to the water to let the dog jump in and had been trying to catch me for over half an hour. So- lots of lessons learned that can be easily parallelled with love:

1) When I seek it, it cannot be found.
2) When I focus on finding it, I don't have a good time.
3) When I stop looking and see the beauty around me I truly connect with the universe.
4) When I both stop looking and connect with the universe, what I seek finds me.

Always remember to stop and smell the Mountain Laurel. It's what makes life worth living- and I think love always seeks out the one spinning with delight in the middle of the woods.

1, 2, and the dreaded 3

I am much better from the angry place I was in a few days ago. I think I hadn't quite gotten over my stomach queasiness and it made me a total cranky-pants. Now my pants- and the rest of me are much happier!

So I was hanging out with C doing my typical Thursday Scrabble game last night and we got into a delightful discussion. She told me she and P had been talking about how people are in 3 categories. There are 1's, who are generally good-natured, not overly suspicious, have no major mental health issues and are easygoing and good partner material.

Then there are 2's, who have some issues, can be unpredictable, engage in drama, but are honest and self-aware enough to know THEY are the problem and admit that.

Then there are the dreaded 3's. These are people who are big giant balls of drama, have major issues and worst of all, they refuse to take responsibility for their fucked-upedness and instead blame those around them when chaos ensues.

I enjoyed hearing about these categories and was curious how my circle fit into them. C then said, "There are about 4 or 5 "1's" that I know. Herself, me, P, S and then I mentioned our mutual friend Sean and she agreed with that.'

She said 3's should be put onto a boat, carted off to an island and dropped off there like Lost so they couldn't hurt others. I agreed and then said it seemed that I had dated a lot of 2's. She laughed heartily and said, "Darlin, you ALWAYS date 3's!" I started to argue with her.

"But ___ wasn't like that..." my voice trailed off. C cocks an eyebrow and snorts.
"But what about __?" I asked.
She stares.
"OK, you are right. And ___?"
She nods
"But ___ was good to me..."
C frowns and shakes her head.

Oh my G-d. I date 3's. I fall for 3's. They are awful to me. How do I stop?

C said I can't really expect I will find that many 1's, but dating some 2's would at least keep me from being sucked in and/or having my self-esteem and well-being battered by these walking disasters.

I quietly agreed. Then sat for a moment.

"Could I at least vacation on the island after we drop them all off?"
"No!"
"Damn. I'll miss them."
Why do 3's have to be so damn good-looking?

The Stereotypical Angry Dyke

Not sure why but I've been uncharacteristically cranky this week. I haven't had bad things happen in the past few days but I feel like I just want to bite someone's head off. Must be hormonal but I'm not PMS'ing. Maybe I deserve to be a jerk once in a while.

I did get taken for a ride a few days ago but I wasn't invested in it enough to have it really ruin my week.

See, I met a woman who seemed to have good energy. She was stable, intelligent and seemed really into me. Turns out she was already dating someone else 'casually'. I don't mind that but I ended up getting used as starter fluid to ramp up the intensity and interest of the other person she was seeing. After that mission was accomplished she added further insult but pointing out someone on a singles site she thought 'would have a lot in common with me'. I think that may have been the most inconsiderate and offensive series of events I have lived through in quite some time. Thing is, I had to really consider asking this woman out. She wasn't the type I typically date. She wasn't outstandingly good looking, and she didn't have a great body but she did have a pleasant personality and she seemed considerate on first meeting. She caught my attention because she brought a gift for the child of a woman at the group dinner we were attending. I figure anyone who goes that extra mile must be more than they appear. She was also in her last relationship for 15 years. Staying power is important to me so another mark in her favor. Anyway, ultimately it ended up going south and not in the way SHE wanted. Seems she wanted to jump into the sack with me right away and I would not even consider it. I may be a slut but I'm an ethical slut and I did not want that kind of dynamic with this person.

Hmm- maybe I am more angry about this than I thought. You know what else she did? She agreed to go to dance lessons with me earlier in the week and then a couple days before, IM'd me and said she had decided to go with the other person she was dating instead, and "hoped I would say hi when we ran into each other." WTF?!? Obviously in a 15 year relationship this woman has lost her social skills.

Well, I have a busy week and weekend coming up so maybe I can work out my frustration in hiking, parties and picnics. Hopefully I will be better company than the cheesed off little ass I feel kicking inside my chest right now.

When the Belly is Empty, the Soul Takes Over

I've been suffering with some sort of stomach bug since Wednesday night. It has put a kink into my workout routine since, void of the energy producing yummy stuff that usually runs through my system, my muscles are not feeling much like pumping iron and seem to jeer at me when I do anything more strenuous than browsing the internet.

I think the illness is affecting my sleep, which usually kicks off strange dreams. Last night I dreamt of an old lover. She wasn't in my space in a romantic way, but at one point I unconsciously reached for her hand under a table where we were sitting and she warmly grasped it. It was a comforting feeling and I realised when I awoke that is a level of intimacy I miss. The feeling of human connection that you don't have to explain. It doesn't have to mean you want to possess them. It doesn't mean you want them as a lover. It just is what it is. I do that with my friends sometimes. I love how when I walk with my friend C she puts her arm through mine and leans against my shoulder as we walk. I love how I can absentmindedly squeeze her hand while we are driving somewhere and she never thinks I am making a pass. I also love how my friend D can come and lounge all over me like a sleepy greyhound and it just feels comfortable and good. In a lot of ways I think I have the best of all possible worlds. I have intimate friendships, and when I really desire it- a lover. I told my NSA partner 'A' yesterday- "I think you are the most stable partner I've had in years".

I guess certain levels of intimacy just cause all those waters to get muddied. I've kept it clean with A- and we are great together. Naughty text messages, dirty Scrabble games on Facebook- and I tell her when drama crops up in my life- and when I have successfully squelched it out again. She says all the right things of course, but never requires anything of me other than my attention when I visit her every couple of months. And the occasional really creative dirty Scrabble word.

Anyway, I did some kundalini yoga chanting in church this morning. Yeah- LOVE my church. It helped me to center and focus on what I need for myself right now. I sent a prayer out to myself. Then sent one to persons in my life I care about- especially those who need healing and protection right now- and then sent one to the universe.

I think what I re-learned for myself is what my ex-wife used to tell me about people in my dreams. She said the people in your dreams are not really who they are in real life, but are instead aspects of the dreamer. So all the good and desirable qualities of the old loves or admired friends or treasured gurus are actually all within ourselves. We just need to celebrate them in ourselves as much as we do when we recognize them in others.

It is nice to feel a place of emotional and spiritual clarity. It would have been nice to get here without the complications of the stomach flu.

Apropos of Nothing

Award-Winning* Big Veg Hunter Veggie Chili

1 package (regular sized bag) pinto beans (or a package of bean soup mix works well for variety)
½ package (or box) of barley
½ cup lentils (may not be needed if you use bean soup mix)
1 can Ro-Tel tomatoes and green chilies
1 large can crushed tomatoes
4 to 6 dried chili peppers
1 onion
1 tablespoon olive oil
Garlic or garlic powder to taste
1 tablespoon powdered cumin
1-2 teaspoons Tony’s Cajun Seasoning
Salt to taste

Soak beans 2 hours before cooking, then drain and add to large crock-pot.
Break open dried chilies and remove stems and seeds, then put them into a small pot of boiling water to soften. Boil about 3-5 minutes. Drain, put peppers into a food processor and puree to a paste. Add this and all other ingredients, fill with water at least 2 inches above bean mixture and cook 6-8 hours, adding water if needed.


Suggestions:
If you like a lot of spice, drain the water from boiling the chilies into the crock pot. This will make a darker, slightly hotter chili.

If you don’t have dried chilies, the recipe works well with chili seasoning mix- just omit most of the spices.

Low fat Frito pie can be made by adding low-fat tortilla chips and reduced fat chedder cheese.

*Seriously, I won a chili cook-off with this at Dell.

Mmm- meat

I have to keep reminding myself of my Lenten promise. A couple days ago I took out what I thought to be chicken and rice from the freezer and when I opened it I realized it was Jambalaya. Sausage and Pork Chop Jambalaya. Damn. Well, Moonshine had a nice snack and the rest went back in the freezer. I settled for Wild Mushroom Ravioli with Vodka creme sauce.

I had a lovely weekend with various social connections. Friday night I went with Camille to the Long Center to see Oscar Wilde's An Ideal Husband. I adore Wilde's work and his wit is unsurpassed.

Saturday I went to a show downtown with my friend Dorothy. We had a great time.

Tonight I went to a showing of the L Word at the home of the barest of acquaintances. A friend through Facebook who added me to a mailing list for her L Word gatherings and I showed up with wine and two people they had never met. They were very good sports and I read their palms at the end of the evening. It seemed like a fair trade off.

Beyond that I've located a big stash of wood down the street and snagged that, then chainsawed up a good bit on Saturday. I got a very fun package delivery. (If you ask nicely I'll tell you more- but know that 'package' is the operative word).

I also went to church this morning and I finally signed up to do the membership classes, which start on Wednesday evening. It is funny how in the Baptist church I was hounded to join but this church I practically have to hunt them down and beg to join the roles. Oh well- I guess that is why I want to join. I was always suspicious of any org that wanted me for a member too much.