Eddie is...

-tired of being the responsible one
-not perfect, but perfect for you
-waiting for flowers, or candy or a singing telegram
-the catch of the century
-pulled and pushed
-still a tool
-the best cock on the block today
-scared sometimes
-living out the family tradition
-still second guessing
-learning more every day
-wondering what will happen next
-jeolous of the train wrecks
-complex like you
-strangely detached
-not asking for patience
-looking for balance
-losing more friends the healthier I get
-blissfully unsure what will happen next
-deciding between a blowjob or a brownie with ice cream
-aware neither is an option
-going to bed

*disclaimer: This is not about anyone. More of an amalgom of everyone. It's a collection of things said to me, by me, about me or sometimes stolen from amazing artists like Grace Jones, Bitch and Animal and the phenominal Beth Puorro.

Keeping My Therapist Entertained

This has been the most insane start to the year that I can remember. Every two weeks when I visit my therapist I spend the whole hour (actually 50 minutes for you folks in the know) just catching her up on what has happened since the last time I came! I used to have a pretty ordinary life. Good friends, a girlfriend, a routine. Since I have been single I feel like I should have an 'Eddie-cam' to entertain people with normal lives.

So I mentioned in my last post about that I had contacted my ex g/f, C. Well, let me officially tell you that was a BIG strike 3! It seemed ok for a while, then it crumbled again. I can't even exactly tell you what happened, other than it almost totally matched the last push-pull experience I had with her. The nice part is thanks to my therapy, I didn't let it pull me as far this time. C is clean and sober alright, but honestly, I think maybe the drugs and alcohol made her more pleasant to be around! I noticed right away the things I had forgotten in my romanticizing of my past with her. She was combative, argumentative, aggressive, and gave me just enough vulnerability to make me keep trying. I found myself with that old familiar feeling. No, not romance or lust or sweetness, but discomfort. Walking on eggshells. Choosing my words, deciding not to comment or challenge. Oy! I don't know if it will ever help her but I hope someday she gets a formal diagnosis. After I really knew what to look for this time I could see it clearly. I'm about 90% sure she is Borderline. Yeah, and smart enough to make it seem like all her angst and hurt and anger are my fault. I'm writing this to remember. And the nice thing is this time I don't have the sex or the hot body or the pheromones to cloud my memory. Just some memories of tense phone calls, histrionics and a feeling I have slipped the noose. Thanks to all my friends for their support. I had to do this for myself, but I'm glad to have gotten away intact.

Now for the good stuff! I don't know about you but in the good news/bad news combo, I want the bad first. Get it over with. I won't even enjoy the good news if I know there is bad next!

Good stuff. My connection with H is strengthening. I'm enjoying spending time with her and she is recovering from an experience that is much more fresh than the re-run I had with C. This is her 1st time 'on the borderline' and it has really messed with her head. I feel for her. She is so tender, sweet, loving, and someone just used all that against her to try to make her feel like pure shyte.

BTW, did you know the word 'shyster' is a German word, meaning 'shitter'. No joke. They also at Christmastime have a little cardboard figure of a man with a 'gold' chocolate coin wedged in his butt-cheeks as a treat. He is called the 'Goldshyster', literally 'Gold-shitter' I got one at R's holiday party a few years ago. It cracked me up! Oh, and schmuck is a yiddish word for foreskin. Ain't I a treat?

OK, back to the H story. I don't know what will happen next and for some reason that does not disturb me at all. I know I like her. I like spending time with her, and we like many of the same things. She's also hella-pretty and yeah, uh... yummy. I don't think she knows what she wants yet either so in a lot of ways I see us as these two shell-shocked war survivors, crawling out of the ashes and tumbling towards each other. Who knows what will survive, but the important thing is- we both did.

Crappy New Year!

I am honestly wondering how so much drama can cram itself into the past few weeks. Not all of it has been bad, mind you- but enough to be exhausting. I'm honestly looking back with a bit of nostalgia at a month or so ago when I was shut down emotionally.

Strike one: Meeting that woman I refer to as 'the cool girl'. Not all of that was bad and it did show me I could get cranked up over someone, which hadn't happened in a while. Man it was a drama-fest though. I got put into and out of the 'friend' box so much it might take a while for me to assume normal shape. How did it all end? With a big case of blue box for me and her trotting off to see if she can make it work with M, the small spiky one. The funny part? It couldn't have happened at a better time. More about that in Strike three...

Strike two: I find out my ex is dating someone. Well, actually she corrected me when I said 'dating'. I think the acurate term is 'fucking'. Honestly it is kind of a relief since I felt a certain amount of guilt that I broke up with her and changed her expectations for the future. Problem is, it is someone I know which pulls in just a little oog factor for me. I dealt with that pretty well but the real drama part was that MANY people in my social circle knew about it and were keeping the information from me. It made it into far more than it really is and made me feel foolish and disrespected. I hate feeling like the last person to know something and that I'm being talked 'about' as opposed to 'to'. The last ironic thing about this whole thing is that I actually had 2 dates years ago with the woman K is 'seeing'. She's the woman I describe as 'the chick that bit my face', which pretty much insured I would not be having a 3rd date with her. I also rather insensitively at the time (way back when) armchair diagnosed her as borderline. I was wrong. She's actually bi-polar. Oh well, I hope this whole mess doesn't mean I won't get to see G anymore.

Strike 3- or a home run?: I heard from an old love a few days ago. It shook me to my foundations considering she has never really left my thoughts, even when I tried to create a life without her. Hearing from her made it very easy to counter 'cool girl's' vacillations about M and for me to tell her "go for it. I know what it is like to feel like you are not done with someone. It may be illogical but you have to follow that thing to the end. Otherwise you will be left wondering and every connection you have after them will be haunted by their ghost." Well, if you read my blog carefully a few posts back I will tell you that the 'Ghost of Christmas yet to come' has contacted me. I have no idea if I can resolve things with her or if she will ever want to see me again but I pretty much put everything out there to her in a letter and I hope she will at least consider it. I'm certainly ready to aquaint myself with a woman that in some ways I have never met before. The chem-free and sober C that would be replacing the one from the 4th demension. I know a lot of people would advise me not to move on this. But as I told H recently: If you make that kind of soul connection with someone, no matter how implausible, sometimes you just have to see where it will take you. So this is me waiting, clearing my slate and embracing the unknown. It's freaking terrifying- but I've never felt so alive.

Rumi- friend to the emotional freak-out

Sometimes I forget completely what companionship is.
Unconscious and insane, I spill sad energy everywhere.
My story gets told in various ways:
a romance, a dirty joke, a war, a vacancy.
Divide up my forgetfulness to any number,
it will go around.
These dark suggestions that I follow,
are they part of some plan?
Friends, be careful. Don't come near me
out of curiousity, or sympathy.
-Rumi

Great movie-- crappy ending

It's gonna be really great when I see my therapist. Thursday can't get here soon enough. I know there are qualities in me that attract the wrong people. I know those qualities also inspire me to make really bad decisions around them. Like ever thinking I could wait someone out and be their fall-back plan.

What is it about the human condition that draws us to people that either don't want us, keep us at arm's length, or just plain old disrespect us? The things I see as intolerable in someone I want to date are played out in smaller scale by me. I assume if I'm wonderful and practically bend over backwards to show someone how great I am it will pull all their energy and affection toward me.

Nah, they still want the shiny, spiky, fucked up object that hurts them. What I also have to recognize is that I still want the shiny, imperiled, dependent girly-girl to rescue.

Put me back in the oven God, I'm not done yet.

At least Rumi knows what I'm talking about:

'A night full of talking that hurts,
my worst held-back secrets. Everything
has to do with loving and not loving.
This night will pass.
Then we have work to do.'