News of the Strange and Tragic

I heard a few weeks ago from Cora that her transplant recipient was not doing well. To catch you all up, Cora (formerly known as Corey, my ex) had a friend that suffered a stroke a while back and his kidneys failed. Cora went in for a test to see if her kidney happened to be compatible and against a good many odds, it was. She decided to donate her kidney to her friend because in her words, "I've seen too many of my friends die and if I can do something to save one of them I will".

So, a couple of months ago Cora donated her kidney to her friend who lived in L.A.

Today she told me her friend died.

He had been battling various infections and things since pretty soon after the transplant.

My heart goes out to her. I can't imagine giving up an organ to save someone and having them die anyway. She is in my thoughts, and I hope the creator can find some way to make her feel her sacrifice was not in vain.

I prayed a lot for this fellow to make it. When I heard he died I thought "Now what possible good could come from that?" Today I wonder if I should ever pray for what I want. I have pretty much decided that prayer as intersession does not work. It might be better overall to just pray for the strength to accept whatever happens since we have no freaking power over it anyway.

Maybe I need someone to pray for me today.

In other news, I got a call for a job interview today. If I get it I will be working really weird hours. What my mom calls 'Graveyard'. It is for a job at UT doing computer support and staffing a computer center that houses a 3 million dollar computer system from the National Science Foundation. The hours would be midnight to 8am, M-F. If times were better I wouldn't consider it, but since this is the first interview I have gotten since finding my current job will end this Friday, I'm pretty motivated to take what I can get. I figure I would sleep from 8:30am or so until around 4 in the afternoon, still have my social schedule between 5-11 and then go to work. I think I could tolerate it- at least until I found something else.

Well, I guess that's it for today. I tragic, one strange. I guess that's life.

A Confession

I can no longer deny it.

I'm bored. Bored to the point of wandering the halls. Bored to the point of calling people just to talk and going to websites in which I have absolutely no interest. This "job" is sucking my soul.

You'd think I could be happy just sitting in a chair all day and getting $25 an hour for the privilege of taking up space.

No.

I hate it.

I've tried not to hate it, but honestly this 'job' is like the employment equivilent of a sensory deprivation chamber. I have no co-workers. I have no team. I barely have a manager. I'm sitting in an office with my back against my boss- who is constantly in meetings and although he gives me a cheerful greeting every day- really has almost no interaction with me. As bad as it sounds I really hope this job ends in two weeks. I can't handle the lack of structure, the lack of real accomplishment, the knowledge that I contributed exactly zero to the success of this organization.

I look at the people I pass in the hall and think, "I bet you do something for your pay." It is also pretty intolerable to know most people around me actually think I'm working. For a while this was novel. Now its just misery.

I'm applying for jobs, but I have to admit- there are even fewer jobs in my field available now than when I lost my job in April. I also haven't gotten more than an automated response or two and some outright rejections from the applications I have sent out so far. I may be out of work longer this time than the last.

You would think ANY work would be better than unemployment. Working for the 'job-that-is- not-work' doesn't really qualify.

If you read this, send some good energy out for me. I need a perm job that really does expect me to accomplish something. This has really turned into the No Purpose Driven Job.

Seasonal Lover Reviews

I find there are so many parallels between work/career and romantic relationships I have kind of synthesized a new belief about reviews.

Both employer and employee value their relationships enough to agree that performance reviews are important. Why- when most people see love relationships as (at least to a lot of people) more important than a job, why do we not have periodic relationship reviews?

I think quarterly reviews would be best. Once or twice a year is way too long to go without a serious check-in on how both parties feel in the relationship. The main thing about this idea is- you really are allowed to decide at this point the relationship is not going to work out-- so going into a 'relationship review', much like a performance review at a job, can sometimes have life-changing results. Reviews are serious and both parties would have to agree to the results- meaning you have to be prepared for both an excellent or a poor review. Someone may be put on a 'performance review' plan, in which if specific issues are not worked upon and actual major results are achieved... well... we might just have to 'let you go'. Thing is- without being held accountable, an employee's performance can go downhill. Same with a relationship. You have to be reminded that you have a responsibility. Many responsibilities. Responsibilities such as these:

• Pay attention to your surroundings and make an effort in the relationship.
  
  
• Take care of your health- both physical and mental.
  
  
• Improve yourself in some appreciable way (classes, social events, hobbies, spirituality)
  
  
• Think of sex as not just an enjoyable activity, but a serious bonding experience that is essential to the health of your relationship.
  
  
• Be present and realize your attitude affects your partner. Be the best person you can be and expect the same from them.

So, if a person really followed these guidelines they would not fear the 'relationship review'. There should be no surprises-- just a confirmation of your perception of the past 'quarter'. I think it would be appropriate to have these 'reviews' at the change of seasons. Set up appointments on the Solstice and Equinox dates and confirm that you and your partner are on equal and healthy footing Spring, Summer, Winter and Fall.

Think about it-- if you took your relationship as seriously as your job wouldn't there be a lot fewer surprises? You probably wouldn't have nearly as many incidents where you bopped onto the job site to discover your 'employer' had hired someone else to 'fill your position'.

Here's wishing everyone long and happy 'careers' together.

My Recurring Dream

I have a dream that recurs about every couple of weeks. It is never exactly the same every time but the theme and activities are so similar I know it is 'that' dream again taking a slightly different form.

The dream is of travel. Sometimes I am driving on a road trip, sometimes I am on a train, sometimes a plane (those usually involve more stress and tension and are much more disturbing) and overwhelmingly of late they have been on boats. The pattern of the dream is that I obviously have a destination but something sidetracks me in the dream and I either stop for a rest (if driving) or I stop for something like a train change or I'm waiting with the plane on the ground because of a delay. Anyway, whatever way it presents itself I always end up on some sort of side adventure that makes my trip longer- or sometimes causes me to miss the next part of my trip. It is never overly upsetting (in the cases of flight it is actually a relief) and I seem to enjoy the interruption as much as I would have enjoyed the destination. One other common thing about this dream is that I am always traveling alone.

I long ago decided this dream represented my life. I never reach my destination- which I have determined to be the end of my life. The side adventures are always enjoyable and although I have a vague feeling that I should continue on my journey, I never mind the interruptions that much and ultimately decide the break in my plans was worthwhile and significant.

I had the dream again last night. I was sailing out of Galveston to the Caribbean. As usual, something caused a change in plans and as usual I didn't mind.

There was one thing that was different this time though. This time I had a partner with me. It was incredibly comforting and I realized how much I enjoyed seeing old things again and pointing them out and also seeing new things knowing she was thrilled to be on the adventure with me. I'm not sure exactly what my dream was trying to tell me this time. Maybe just that it is not always best to plan your life journey alone. I do know it felt very profound when I awoke. I certainly liked the feeling of someone I loved at my side on the ocean. Whatever the message, it has certainly been on my mind today. And so has she.

Trust

As animals, we humans learn from both positive and negative experiences. We learn more from negative, like 'don't pick up that hot thing' or 'don't touch that hissing kitty'. Pain ingrains experience in us the way nothing else can.

Knowing this, how can we expect that negative romantic experiences will not teach us that trusting- loving- depending on someone outside ourselves is not dangerous and foolish?

I certainly feel I have learned that lesson. I have had 2 major relationships that were long-lasting and geared toward a lifetime together. [I of course have had many others that were at least entered into with the best of intentions but for the purpose of this story I'm focusing on the most important ones here] Two major relationships in my life have spoken of a life together and created a vision of crotchety old ladies in rocking chairs on porches somewhere. The first never involved a marriage, but we were very compatible and it felt like we were in it for the long haul. Certainly it felt like a real possibility that this could be the last romantic connection of my life. We worked well together, got along well, pushed each other in positive ways, matched each other in intelligence... then it ended. Ended with her trotting off to live in another country with a traveler she met. I don't think I have felt a pain that intense since. I went beyond losing a partner. I lost any idea of structure in my life and it felt like gravity itself had been yanked out from under me. I'd never lived on my own, and had long since forgotten how to date and be single. I was totally disoriented. After losing 20 pounds on the tragedy diet plan and wandering in a stupor barely knowing how to function I found myself. I found a sexuality I had repressed, a circle of friends with which I could truly connect and most of all, I found that I was much more capable than I ever knew myself to be. Without knowing it, my partnership had hobbled me. I wasn't living to my full potential and within 6 months I was toasting my ex saying "Here's to N. Thank God you left me!"

After some time of delightful dating and amazing romances I met my future wife. We connected instantly and within weeks we were in love. Still stinging from my negative experiences with long-term commitment, my wife made special efforts to convince me she was sincere and dedicated and wanted a lifetime commitment. I was skeptical and not very trusting but she kept saying words like 'forever' and 'lifetime' and 'promise' and 'faith'. Eventually I believed her. We made plans to get married. I knew I could commit for life and set up a picture in my head of the rest of my life. For a few years it went well. Then my wife met my old college friend. Then bad things happened. Many bad things. Ultimately I was alone again.

I have continued to date and have had varying degrees of success- even fell in love a couple more times, but I know I can't count on anyone to complete the crotchety old ladies on the porch picture for me. My faith is broken and I can only depend on myself. Luckily, the porch with just me on it doesn't frighten me like it once may have. And I'll leave an extra chair out for anyone who might want to stop by and sit a spell.

What I Have Been Missing...

Obviously my life is missing a bunny letter opener. I must have one.

Besides this obvious void, my life is pretty darn good. My energy is still inconsistent but I'm feeling better physically than I did a few days ago and overall, things are dandy. I have the usual worries such as how much longer will my job last? Are my roomies planning to move out? And of course I have a litany of things I have been procrastinating, such as getting my dog to the vet for a checkup, getting myself to the dentist for a checkup, getting the oil changed in my car, and getting better health insurance.

I updated my resume this week. I really can't imagine them keeping me past the end of the month at this job. Although my skills as a political researcher are second-to-none, (reading CNN.com, MSNBC.com, crooksandliars.com, airamerica.com, electionprojection.com) that is really not in a part of my job description and I wouldn't mind doing actual work to ease my guilt a bit. Anyway, it was hard describing my current job considering how little I have done but luckily, creative writing IS one of my many skills! Someone called me about my old Dell job-- well a contract position doing my old Dell job anyway- yet again. I've been called about 6 times for contract jobs in my old department and I've never gotten an interview. Makes me wonder-- are there others out there that are actually more qualified than me to do the job I used to do? I shall ponder this...

Here Comes The Rain Again...

I'm worried I may be getting sick again. It hasn't happened in so long I think I was half convinced it had gone away. Amazing how feeling good can make you forget how utterly crappy you feel when you don't anymore.

Anyway, I've noticed I haven't been sleeping as well and I caught some kind of respiratory infection that I'm clearing up with antibiotics. Although that part feels better, I'm starting to get the little signs and symptoms that say trouble is coming. This is usually a time when flares come on. Right after an illness that leaves you vulnerable. One of the first things that happens when a Fibro-flare (as I affectionately call them) is coming is that my muscles start to randomly jump and twitch. Some people experience it on their eyelid on occasion but people with FMS have it everywhere. Especially our arms and legs. A couple days ago my thigh muscles started twitching and I think "Oh crap- not now". Like there is ever a good time to get sick with this stuff.

Anyway, I have noticed I don't have as much energy lately and a lot of activities seem like too much effort. Today I started feeling the 'drunk' feeling I hate. It is a mild dizziness that feels like I've had about 2 drinks. It can sometimes cause me to 'list' a bit when I walk and it throws off my perception slightly, like wearing someone else's eyeglasses. Things look... just not quite right- especially when I'm in the open walking. It can be rather frightening but lately it just feels familiarly annoying. A few years ago before I was diagnosed I went to an Ear Nose and Throat specialist and they did the most unpleasant battery of tests... The worst involved forcing first warm and then cold water into my eardrum until the room started spinning like the worst drunk you can imagine. Then while that torture is going on, the assistant-demon asks you math questions. WTF? At one point mid-torture I just whined and said "I don't know- leave me alone." It took forever for my equilibrium to come back post torture-test. You are told not to eat before the test because most people do throw up if they have anything in their stomachs. Charming.

So, I don't know if I am heading for a full-blown flare, or how long it would last if so, but I need to be aware of this and start doing better self-care for a while. Clean up my diet, get better sleep, up the supplements, mild exercise, probably some meditation would help.

Expect I may withdraw from all but essential social functions until I get a handle on this. I don't make good company when it is going on anyway. Wish me luck in vanquishing this quickly so I can rejoin the humans soon.