My Dream World is Much Happier Than Real Life

I had a really great dream last night. It was very vivid and I remember many more details than I do typically for dreams. In the dream I was with the lover I forced myself to stop seeing a while ago. We were tumbling around in bed and giggling, which was something we did often and it holds fine memories for me. She was wearing her adorable striped jammie pants and white tee. She wrestled me over and leaned above my face and said,

"You know I really love you."

I was surprised because she had never said it this way before in real life.

"Really?" I said, surprised.

"Of course I do. You know that."

We continued to wrestle and laugh and I held her close. It felt amazing.

Then, as dreams often do, something totally weird happened but was treated as if it was not unusual in the least.

My ex wife walked by the bed and asked if we would be ready soon for the group breakfast she was planning. We agreed that we would be ready and then someone else from her family walked by and started bickering about their choice for breakfast locale.

I woke up and really regretted reality.

Straight?

I just got the weirdest IM message from someone on OKCupid the other night. She said when she attempted to IM me my stats listed me as straight! Yikes! I went back and double-checked my profile and no- I'm listed as gay. Weird.

I've always thought of myself as among the gayest of the gay. I do occasionally find transmen sexy and it always makes me feel slightly embarrassed and confused. I went out with a transman a while back to kind of explore what it was I felt. This one happened to be someone I had a huge crush on when he was a woman. He was still pretty feminine-looking when we hung out again. He had girly affected mannerisms and his voice, although deepened by the T, was still very feminine in character, which made him sound like a very swishy gay man. I found him attractive and realized this was about as much boy as I could handle on the intimacy scale so I kissed him.

I'm not sure what I was expecting but my reaction was somewhat comforting. He had rough wiskery skin and smelled unfamilar and, well... pretty unappealing. While he in female form was a huge crush and I had wanted to kiss 'her' for years, kissing 'him' made me feel nothing.It was an interesting experiment. I'll continue to admire transmen from afar but it is my destiny to be with women and I'm quite happy with that.

Random Synapse Firings

Or not.

Every time I hear the song "Buffalo Soldier" by Bob Marley I think it sounds like the theme for the weirdo TV show The Banana Splits. I see now that I am not the only one who follows this theory:

http://www.beachbumparadise.com/bob-marley-buffalo-soldiers-banana-splits/

Now I can sleep better at night...

Dating Adventure

I went on my first date in a while last night. I enjoyed how it didn't progress the typical way so it did make for kind of a good story.

She called me as I was about to leave to meet her at Enoteca and told me her car would not start and she was at work downtown. I suggested I pick her up and we go to dinner and try to start her car afterward. That was acceptable and I picked her up at Dog and Duck Pub by her office. We then had a very nice dinner, did a little browsing in the local shops while we waited for a table, had a nice wine, both enjoyed some very yummy food and good conversation.

Afterward I stopped at the cupcake trailor and we got a couple of cupcakes for later.
Then the fun began.

No, not that kind of fun.

I went back to her office to try to start her car. It was pretty obvious it was a battery issue. My date was a true high femme and was not only clueless about cars but also somewhat freaked out about the idea of jumper cables and the danger that might be involved. I had a tough time convincing her to hold one end of the cables while I attached the other end to the affected car. The other weird thing? My car battery is in the back of my car, under the floorboard by the spare tire. I attempted to jump from there- after taking all the flooring out of the back of my car- and no luck. I then consulted my car manual. Yes, being somewhat like a guy, I typically don't read directions before I attempt to do something I've done before. I then found out that the post for jumping the car are still under the hood of my car, even though the battery is in the back. I then took everything apart and tried again. Still her car would not take a jump. Now also remember I'm in a nice dress shirt and my date is in a skirt and heels and we are poking around under the hood of cars. I unhook everything and then suggest we clean the battery terminals on her car and also fill the battery with water. I try both these things, assisted by my date who gets me water and paper towels out of her office. So, battery has water, terminals are clean and dry, try again... nada. The car inside lights and radio, etc. definitely get better when the cables are connected but it is still not enough to start the car. I finally give up and offer to drive her home and let her deal with the next steps on her own, which probably involve buying a new battery. I then drive her home and drop her off at her door.

The verdict? Amusing adventure on a first official date. As for my date herself? A sweet person and very attractive. As for my feelings? Meh. She doesn't turn my crank.

I guess I shouln't expect to find anything amazing anytime soon and dating in itself is a fun activity but when I date and don't feel anything I start to worry that I will be that way for a while. I don't fall easily so I guess I will kick back and see how long this dry spell will last...

My Shallow Dating Pool

So I went to a speed dating event last night. I was pretty ambivalent about it but figured I could use a change in routine and I liked the idea of meeting new people, even just for the sake of entertainment.

Entertaining it was. No love connections but I wasn't really expecting any. I was in a bar after all and that doesn't bring out the type to which I am drawn. I'm glad I went though. I met some interesting people, and some people who were interesting in that train wreck kind of way. I met a few women that made 3 minutes seem like an eternity- especially the dried up old barfly that treated me like a therapist. My diagnosis: depression aided by rampant alcoholism. The environment did force me to chat with some women I would not have normally and some were surprising. I liked meeting the former military tomboi that delighted me with her love for the old-fashioned hand-written letter. She also had a strong wit and a nice advocacy for proper English grammar. She would make a nice friend. I also met a fascinating scientist. She studies marine life, specifically sharks. She had a delightful German accent I mistakenly guessed was Austrian and seemed very stable and together. She was a foreign exchange student that never went home after high school. I felt a compulsion to invite her for Thanksgiving dinner. There was also an assortment of oddities I will only identify with nicknames like Alpaca girl, chipmunk girl and fast food girl.

Oh, and to add to the strangeness of the night- my ex K was in the bar with what looked like a... -what would you call a butch girl version of a harem? A stud stable? Yeah, so she was perched on a bar stool behind me as I did my silly "Hi, nice to meet you..." stuff, surrounded by bois in waiting. That was weird. It is strange and amusing that one of her 'thangs (J) is strikingly like me. That makes the 2nd woman J and I have both dated in common. In some strange way I consider it a compliment. I managed to leave without saying hi to K- not as a slight, but I was just overstimulated I was over my human interaction limit for the night.

I did meet one woman I would like to meet again for an actual date. I didn't learn enough about her to know if she really has potential but she is pretty rockin from what I could tell in 3 minutes. She looks like an old-school high gloss femme. Perfectly applied makeup, corkscrew-curly dark hair and a killer smile. She says she likes bookstores, coffeehouses and considers herself a foodie. Yeah, I hope she picked me. I love to cook and I'd like a nice old-fashioned date.

OK, back to work for the State of Texas. Have a great weekend everyone.

Home. There and Here.

I've been traveling for my contract job for the past month. Home a bit but also in lots of medium-sized Texas towns. I had an ex that said she used to love that feeling of waking up and not being sure where she was for just a moment. I find that feeling disturbing and couldn't imagine enjoying it. In the past few weeks I have awoken in Waco, College Station, my parents house, a few cars- pretty much everywhere but my own bed.

Being around my parents was rejuvinating. My mom treated me like royalty- making all my favorite foods, clearing my dishes, making my favorite pie- even making my bed if I didn't beat her to it! We didn't talk about my love life but I defintely benefitted from the special treatment and TLC. It was great for my self-esteem to bathe in unconditional love and a strange sort of popularity I seem to have when I visit. My name is called so much when I am there I wonder what they do when I am not around to fuss over.

The travel has been a bit of a balm for my loneliness. Yes, I still miss her very much but have to keep telling myself it is for the best. Sometimes it feels like convincing myself it was better to leave a mangled body part and walk away not intact- but alive. I am alive but I miss the part I severed when I stumbled away with what I had left. I tell myself I should date again but I don't think I'm ready. I know I'm going to be hellishly picky and that in itself is depressing...

Now on to good news. I start a new permanent job on Monday the 6th. I was offered a job with the state Health Department as support for software issues related to the WIC program. The salary is good and of course the benefits are amazing so I'm thrilled my 6 month sojourn is coming to a close.

In other good news I'm set to watch the VP debate tonight. I'm actually allowing myself the tiniest of hopes that the Dems might get back into the White House this year. After 8 wretched years I still can barely whisper the idea out loud but things are looking promising. Of course I won't truly be able to breathe freely until November 5th.

Speaking of the election I got into an actual screaming match with my brother over politics while I was visiting my family last week. He actually believes a bizarre scenario in which Obama will be elected, then killed, sparking race riots that will threaten all white people. He also spouted off about my black friends turning on me if anything like this comes to pass. I find it almost impossible I grew up in the same environment as this man. I think I know why I am gay. Because if something in my own life had not forced me to look at the world differently I might have turned out like him. If I have never said it before I'll say it now: Thank you G-d for making me gay!

Again I return to a path I know well. The unlighted, unknown trail of infinite possibility to which no outcome is known. Like those first confusing moments of conciousness wondering where I am- I am disoriented, somewhat fearful, but starting the new day.